Dear Robbie and Rango,
Tomorrow your sister has to make a family tree for her assignment. We had to rush around tonight and find pictures of everyone in the family (she has a big family, and you both do too!). And going through the pictures I saw pictures of you both in my belly, your ultrasounds, your footprints. I asked your sister if she was going to put your names on her tree. She hesitated, and thought for a minute. She wasn't sure if you boys were still family, even if you were in Heaven. Tonight before she went to bed, she told me she was going to draw two angels on her tree, to represent you both. I wish your sisters were able to know you, and meet you both. I know Emily bonded with you Rango. I know they do miss you both.
Could you please send them some pennies if you can spare a few please? Don't rob St. Peter...pennies are still good (although anything you can get your hands on would be fine).
I am thinking of you boys every day. I miss you and love you so much!!!
Love,
mommy
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Dear Robbie,
Its been nine months since you grew your angel wings. Nine very long months, but yet it seems like an eternity has gone by since I last felt you kick and punch me. As your daddy says, it seems like we've been without you so much longer.
I am constantly thinking about what we were doing last year at this time. And I remember the terrible morning sickness. Lying in your T.T.'s pool, in an inflatable donut, just waiting for the nausea to pass. I remember going shopping with your aunt because I needed maternity clothes, and some flexible summer stuff, since you were growing so much. I would give anything to have that time back. A year ago we also saw your heartbeat for the first time. That little flicker...so much I want to say, but I just don't have enough words.
I am so tempted to let my mind wander to the "what should we be doing"...to think of the 4-5 month old baby you would be. What milestones you would be reaching. But this only serves to make me more depressed and sad and angry. I can hope for that, but I know in reality, my two boys are angels watching over us. You are in a place where the roads are paved with gold (your sister E told me that this week--she learned in in vacation bible school). Your sisters also accepted Jesus into their hearts this week, and one thing they know is that now they will be able to see you and Rango again. And they are excited about meeting the two of you.
But Robbie, I miss you so much. But I know (on my better days) that you were so sick, and God took you home so He could take care of you. Its not that I wasn't going to be a good mommy, or your daddy wasn't going to love you and cuddle you. It was that He could give you what you need. And I know that you are healthy running around in Heaven, sitting on everyone's laps that will read to you. I hope your great grandparents, and all of our family who is already in Heaven, are telling you stories all about me and your dad.
We miss you, and know that in the nine months since you left us, we haven't forgotten you, and while we are moving on in our lives here, you will never be replaced. You will always have a piece of my heart, just as your sisters and Rango have.
I love you my first son...Behave until I get to see you!
Love
Mommy
Its been nine months since you grew your angel wings. Nine very long months, but yet it seems like an eternity has gone by since I last felt you kick and punch me. As your daddy says, it seems like we've been without you so much longer.
I am constantly thinking about what we were doing last year at this time. And I remember the terrible morning sickness. Lying in your T.T.'s pool, in an inflatable donut, just waiting for the nausea to pass. I remember going shopping with your aunt because I needed maternity clothes, and some flexible summer stuff, since you were growing so much. I would give anything to have that time back. A year ago we also saw your heartbeat for the first time. That little flicker...so much I want to say, but I just don't have enough words.
I am so tempted to let my mind wander to the "what should we be doing"...to think of the 4-5 month old baby you would be. What milestones you would be reaching. But this only serves to make me more depressed and sad and angry. I can hope for that, but I know in reality, my two boys are angels watching over us. You are in a place where the roads are paved with gold (your sister E told me that this week--she learned in in vacation bible school). Your sisters also accepted Jesus into their hearts this week, and one thing they know is that now they will be able to see you and Rango again. And they are excited about meeting the two of you.
But Robbie, I miss you so much. But I know (on my better days) that you were so sick, and God took you home so He could take care of you. Its not that I wasn't going to be a good mommy, or your daddy wasn't going to love you and cuddle you. It was that He could give you what you need. And I know that you are healthy running around in Heaven, sitting on everyone's laps that will read to you. I hope your great grandparents, and all of our family who is already in Heaven, are telling you stories all about me and your dad.
We miss you, and know that in the nine months since you left us, we haven't forgotten you, and while we are moving on in our lives here, you will never be replaced. You will always have a piece of my heart, just as your sisters and Rango have.
I love you my first son...Behave until I get to see you!
Love
Mommy
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Thank you boys
Hi Robbie and Rango,
I know I already spoke with you guys today...but I wanted to say thank you for my flowers. Your sisters bring me dandelions all the time. It was very special to look down at the spot where I was standing and see the two little dandelions between my feet.
i can't stop thinking about you two...how robbie would have been almost 5 months old already, and rango we would be registering and getting your crib. its hard to think of you two simultaneously. if robbie hadn't been sick and gone to heaven, we never would have had you Rango. But is it selfish of me to want both of you?
I know you are in good hands up there--make sure you listen to your great grandparents! and please make sure you are playing nice with all the other babies up there--i know their mommies, daddies and families are missing them too. don't cause too much trouble!
and if either of you could please help out your sister--A is still upset, and misses you both. E on the other hand thinks of you, and told me she wants to be able to go to heaven to play with you both one day.
I love you both!
Mommy
I know I already spoke with you guys today...but I wanted to say thank you for my flowers. Your sisters bring me dandelions all the time. It was very special to look down at the spot where I was standing and see the two little dandelions between my feet.
i can't stop thinking about you two...how robbie would have been almost 5 months old already, and rango we would be registering and getting your crib. its hard to think of you two simultaneously. if robbie hadn't been sick and gone to heaven, we never would have had you Rango. But is it selfish of me to want both of you?
I know you are in good hands up there--make sure you listen to your great grandparents! and please make sure you are playing nice with all the other babies up there--i know their mommies, daddies and families are missing them too. don't cause too much trouble!
and if either of you could please help out your sister--A is still upset, and misses you both. E on the other hand thinks of you, and told me she wants to be able to go to heaven to play with you both one day.
I love you both!
Mommy
Thursday, July 21, 2011
A year since the first positive test...
Dear Robbie & Rango,
It's been a year since your dad and I learned that Robbie was growing and forming inside me. Little did we know how much you boys would teach us, and how much we would change, individually, as a couple, and as a family. Robbie, you would be 4 months old--I saw families on the beach with infants, and wondered if you would be a beach baby, or a poolside baby or both? What would your brother have been? I know you both know, but I won't know for a very long time.
I also saw babies on the rides in ocean city--your sisters would have loved to ride on the rides with you.
But I guess you boys can ride on all the rides you want on your own, can't you? Or at least your great grandparents are busy taking you all sorts of places.
I know I say it often, but I do miss you, and your brother, and wonder everyday what you two would have been like. I don't know if the heartache will ever go away completely.
I just wanted to be able to hold you boys, and rock you to sleep, and cuddle you when you were fussy. To share you boys with your father and sisters and dog...I love you both very much!
Love,
Mommy
It's been a year since your dad and I learned that Robbie was growing and forming inside me. Little did we know how much you boys would teach us, and how much we would change, individually, as a couple, and as a family. Robbie, you would be 4 months old--I saw families on the beach with infants, and wondered if you would be a beach baby, or a poolside baby or both? What would your brother have been? I know you both know, but I won't know for a very long time.
I also saw babies on the rides in ocean city--your sisters would have loved to ride on the rides with you.
But I guess you boys can ride on all the rides you want on your own, can't you? Or at least your great grandparents are busy taking you all sorts of places.
I know I say it often, but I do miss you, and your brother, and wonder everyday what you two would have been like. I don't know if the heartache will ever go away completely.
I just wanted to be able to hold you boys, and rock you to sleep, and cuddle you when you were fussy. To share you boys with your father and sisters and dog...I love you both very much!
Love,
Mommy
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Bump Pictures
Dear Robbie,
Tonight we went to see the photographer that not only took our wedding photos, but also took some baby bump shots of me and you. The first set was when you were about 10w. The second set we couldn't find, but the last set was taken October 23rd. The differences between how much I grew in that two month period was amazing. But even more amazing was that instead of getting upset on seeing the pictures (I thought going in I was going to be so sad and missing you and your brother even more!), they comforted me.
While your dad and I were stressed about getting ready for you, and have a lot of guilt because I felt we weren't ready for you and therefore didn't enjoy the pregnancy and my time with you as I should of, the pictures soothed me. They showed a different memory. There is nothing but love and anticipation in all of the photos. And as I reflected back to the sittings, I remember each pose. What I was thinking...and it shows on my expression.
The best one, one of my favorites, is a shot of me holding you in the belly, and I am laughing. And immediately I remembered that pose...you were kicking and moving and squirming so much. We were talking about you (the photographer and I) and as we talked, you kept kicking!
Those pictures are pictures of hope, of a carefree time. I wish I would have enjoyed my pregnancy with you more and cherished each day. But I am grateful that your dad and I got these pictures taken, because today they are the best gift I could have gotten. They are a reminder of my time with you, short as it was.
I love you and I miss you so much!!! It hurts me to even admit that you would be 4 months old this month, and enjoying your first summer at the beach and pool. Sitting up, and starting to play with your sisters and dog.
I wish you were here with us!
I love you!
Mommy
Tonight we went to see the photographer that not only took our wedding photos, but also took some baby bump shots of me and you. The first set was when you were about 10w. The second set we couldn't find, but the last set was taken October 23rd. The differences between how much I grew in that two month period was amazing. But even more amazing was that instead of getting upset on seeing the pictures (I thought going in I was going to be so sad and missing you and your brother even more!), they comforted me.
While your dad and I were stressed about getting ready for you, and have a lot of guilt because I felt we weren't ready for you and therefore didn't enjoy the pregnancy and my time with you as I should of, the pictures soothed me. They showed a different memory. There is nothing but love and anticipation in all of the photos. And as I reflected back to the sittings, I remember each pose. What I was thinking...and it shows on my expression.
The best one, one of my favorites, is a shot of me holding you in the belly, and I am laughing. And immediately I remembered that pose...you were kicking and moving and squirming so much. We were talking about you (the photographer and I) and as we talked, you kept kicking!
Those pictures are pictures of hope, of a carefree time. I wish I would have enjoyed my pregnancy with you more and cherished each day. But I am grateful that your dad and I got these pictures taken, because today they are the best gift I could have gotten. They are a reminder of my time with you, short as it was.
I love you and I miss you so much!!! It hurts me to even admit that you would be 4 months old this month, and enjoying your first summer at the beach and pool. Sitting up, and starting to play with your sisters and dog.
I wish you were here with us!
I love you!
Mommy
Saturday, July 9, 2011
1 month
Dear Rango,
It's been 1 month since I last felt you kicking and squirming. It's been a fast month, but unbearably slow as well. Just like I can still remember what it felt like when Robbie kicked, you were a different kind of mover. You were subtle. You would make little bumps against me that I would feel. We were just starting to be able to feel you kick from the outside. That's how I know you were still alive as I got ready for work that fateful morning. I know you were squirming as I was getting ready. I don't know when your heart stopped beating, at what point during the day. I don't want to know when.
Your daddy thinks my premonition Wednesday night was your way of telling me something was wrong. I couldn't stop crying and I was so scared something was happening. I just kept seeing the same scene over and over...we were in the delivery room, and the doctor had delivered you, but I was bleeding uncontrollably. And then it would go black. But you were okay--you were with your daddy. The doctors were working on me. But 24 hrs later, you were gone, not me. I regret not taking the doppler out that morning before work--I had done it so many other mornings. But I know you were moving. But it would have been the last time we heard your heartbeat.
We miss you (and your brother) so much. Your sisters still cry over both of you. I cry every day...I relive those moments when I knew you weren't moving and they were busy checking my placenta on the ultrasound. By the time they went to check your heartbeat, I already knew. My worst nightmare coming true again.
I am grateful we spent the time we had with you. That we did cherish every moment, and made you a part of the family even before we could hold you. I don't regret any minute of that. The doctor says if I do get pregnant again, it would be normal and expected of me not to bond with the next baby. But while I understand why I would do that, I also know that your daddy and I cherish every day we had with you.
We miss you and love you!
Love,
Mommy
It's been 1 month since I last felt you kicking and squirming. It's been a fast month, but unbearably slow as well. Just like I can still remember what it felt like when Robbie kicked, you were a different kind of mover. You were subtle. You would make little bumps against me that I would feel. We were just starting to be able to feel you kick from the outside. That's how I know you were still alive as I got ready for work that fateful morning. I know you were squirming as I was getting ready. I don't know when your heart stopped beating, at what point during the day. I don't want to know when.
Your daddy thinks my premonition Wednesday night was your way of telling me something was wrong. I couldn't stop crying and I was so scared something was happening. I just kept seeing the same scene over and over...we were in the delivery room, and the doctor had delivered you, but I was bleeding uncontrollably. And then it would go black. But you were okay--you were with your daddy. The doctors were working on me. But 24 hrs later, you were gone, not me. I regret not taking the doppler out that morning before work--I had done it so many other mornings. But I know you were moving. But it would have been the last time we heard your heartbeat.
We miss you (and your brother) so much. Your sisters still cry over both of you. I cry every day...I relive those moments when I knew you weren't moving and they were busy checking my placenta on the ultrasound. By the time they went to check your heartbeat, I already knew. My worst nightmare coming true again.
I am grateful we spent the time we had with you. That we did cherish every moment, and made you a part of the family even before we could hold you. I don't regret any minute of that. The doctor says if I do get pregnant again, it would be normal and expected of me not to bond with the next baby. But while I understand why I would do that, I also know that your daddy and I cherish every day we had with you.
We miss you and love you!
Love,
Mommy
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Thinking of you today
Dear Boys,
Today was the first day that I was able to be alone. And by alone I mean no phone, no body talking to me, just me and my thoughts, and wanting to have some quiet time with you. But since I was driving to the doctors, every time I tried to think of either of you, I got very emotional, and started to cry. So needless to say, I turned up the radio and just sang. What else could I do? I know both of you listened to my wonderful radio singing...and you knew how it would calm me down.
Your dad has your sisters looking for pennies now. He found one at the ice cream stand last night. And he went searching around for the other one. Your sisters wanted to know what he was looking for...and I explained it to them. So now they are looking for pennies, if you can spare a few for them.
Your sisters are also asking a lot of questions about you boys today. I'm answering them the best I can, but I know they miss you both, and really want a baby brother. Instead of a funeral for Rango, your sisters want to have a party instead. What do you think about that? If we release balloons, will you catch them for us (and share them with your friends up there? I know you must be playing with Arianna and your other little friends, and your great grandparents!). It does make me a little happier knowing that you two have each other, and have other friends to play with.
I miss you both. I love you both.
Love,
Mommy
Today was the first day that I was able to be alone. And by alone I mean no phone, no body talking to me, just me and my thoughts, and wanting to have some quiet time with you. But since I was driving to the doctors, every time I tried to think of either of you, I got very emotional, and started to cry. So needless to say, I turned up the radio and just sang. What else could I do? I know both of you listened to my wonderful radio singing...and you knew how it would calm me down.
Your dad has your sisters looking for pennies now. He found one at the ice cream stand last night. And he went searching around for the other one. Your sisters wanted to know what he was looking for...and I explained it to them. So now they are looking for pennies, if you can spare a few for them.
Your sisters are also asking a lot of questions about you boys today. I'm answering them the best I can, but I know they miss you both, and really want a baby brother. Instead of a funeral for Rango, your sisters want to have a party instead. What do you think about that? If we release balloons, will you catch them for us (and share them with your friends up there? I know you must be playing with Arianna and your other little friends, and your great grandparents!). It does make me a little happier knowing that you two have each other, and have other friends to play with.
I miss you both. I love you both.
Love,
Mommy
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Dear Boys...
Thank you for the two pennies we found in the airport yesterday. Again, your dad found them before I noticed. But he told me he looks for them. He also found only one at the resort before we left Florida...I told him one of you must not have been paying attention, or was slacking off. Now I think it was just in a spot we couldn't see.
And I know its silly, but the lizards always seemed to come out as I walked--instead of running away, they would watch me carefully. Did either of you have anything to do with that? I've never been able to look at and examine a lizard quite that carefully! I told your daddy I think you two are watching over me.
But when we were walking on the beach, talking about trying for another baby (your dad is ready, I'm not.), we both found the same exact type of shell at the same time, and the only difference is that one was bigger than the other. I know you boys are trying to communicate with us, and you both need to know how much that means to me and your dad. There isn't a day that goes by that we don't think of you, and miss you both so much. Rango, we got your pictures yesterday in the mail. Your dad and I want to put them all in a frame. Robbie, your ultrasounds will go first, then Rango's ultrasound and one of the pictures from when we could hold him.
We love you both so much, and miss you so much!
Love,
Mommy
And I know its silly, but the lizards always seemed to come out as I walked--instead of running away, they would watch me carefully. Did either of you have anything to do with that? I've never been able to look at and examine a lizard quite that carefully! I told your daddy I think you two are watching over me.
But when we were walking on the beach, talking about trying for another baby (your dad is ready, I'm not.), we both found the same exact type of shell at the same time, and the only difference is that one was bigger than the other. I know you boys are trying to communicate with us, and you both need to know how much that means to me and your dad. There isn't a day that goes by that we don't think of you, and miss you both so much. Rango, we got your pictures yesterday in the mail. Your dad and I want to put them all in a frame. Robbie, your ultrasounds will go first, then Rango's ultrasound and one of the pictures from when we could hold him.
We love you both so much, and miss you so much!
Love,
Mommy
Monday, June 20, 2011
It feels like not only has a scab been removed, but cut open and cut deeper. I thought after Robbie died my heart couldn't shatter anymore. I thought I couldn't hurt that badly once the scab began to heal. But I was wrong. Now I am mourning two sons, not just one. And all the while I compare myself to where I was this time with Robbie (weight wise, emotional wise, how capable I was of leaving the house at certain days after the d & e). And I feel guilt because I feel like this new hurt about Rango is overshadowing the grief for Robbie that is still present. That while I want either, (preferably both) of my boys with me, I know that Robbie didn't come back, and neither will Rango.
This pain, this grief is indescribable. There aren't words to express what I am thinking or feeling.
This pain, this grief is indescribable. There aren't words to express what I am thinking or feeling.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Take care of your brother
Dear Robbie,
Today you met your little brother, Rango. I hope you two don't fight like your older sisters! Please play with him, and be nice to him. You two are both very special to me, and my heart is broken that I will never be able to hold either of you. But I am glad that you two will have each other. I hope that one day I will be able to play with you two finally, but for now, get to know each other and love each other. Know that your mommy and daddy and all of your great big family love you and miss you! We would give anything to have you with us and your sisters.
You will both always be my little boys. I love you Robbie! Give your brother a hug and a kiss everyday from me.
Love,
Mommy
Today you met your little brother, Rango. I hope you two don't fight like your older sisters! Please play with him, and be nice to him. You two are both very special to me, and my heart is broken that I will never be able to hold either of you. But I am glad that you two will have each other. I hope that one day I will be able to play with you two finally, but for now, get to know each other and love each other. Know that your mommy and daddy and all of your great big family love you and miss you! We would give anything to have you with us and your sisters.
You will both always be my little boys. I love you Robbie! Give your brother a hug and a kiss everyday from me.
Love,
Mommy
Sunday, June 5, 2011
This is my 4th pregnancy
At a wedding Friday night, several people came up and asked me when I was due. Which was followed by was this my first pregnancy/child. To be honest, while I knew this question would get asked, I wasn't prepared to answer it completely. I knew, and have been answering that this is my 4th pregnancy, and I have two little girls at home. A few people gave me an odd look, as I could see they were crunching the numbers in their heads. 2 girls at one, one due in October, there was 1 child missing.
But lucky for me my husband was right next to me, and while I had decided 1) it wasn't anybody's business about our third child 2) it was a happy occasion, and I would not be the downer in the guest list, my husband wasn't bashful at all. In fact, it was the first time I've ever seen him initiate Robbie's story. To anyone. I was so touched, and so emotional, at how he talked about Robbie and what happened, and answered the questions as guests asked (to be fair, they were strangers to me, but they knew my husband).
The next day, as I reflected on this, my husband wanted to go to the cemetery where we planted the tree for Robbie, to make sure it was doing okay. It was too much for me emotionally to handle. I was in tears as we drove through the cemetery, knowing how much my husband loves his soon Robbie, and how much we miss him. We are looking forward to Rango, and already love him so much. But to know that Robbie is so close to us every day, and that neither one of us will forget him, is so bittersweet and heartwrenching.
And for the first time I realized how much not just I have changed, but how he has changed as well, and how our marriage has grown. I was forced to finally look outside of how this affected me, to how it affected my husband, and how we interact. And seeing him talk about Robbie and initiate going to the cemetery made me realize how grateful I am for such an amazing husband. He didn't shut me out, when he could have. We grieve together (because I don't think we'll ever stop grieving for what should have been), we celebrate together, and we remember together.
But lucky for me my husband was right next to me, and while I had decided 1) it wasn't anybody's business about our third child 2) it was a happy occasion, and I would not be the downer in the guest list, my husband wasn't bashful at all. In fact, it was the first time I've ever seen him initiate Robbie's story. To anyone. I was so touched, and so emotional, at how he talked about Robbie and what happened, and answered the questions as guests asked (to be fair, they were strangers to me, but they knew my husband).
The next day, as I reflected on this, my husband wanted to go to the cemetery where we planted the tree for Robbie, to make sure it was doing okay. It was too much for me emotionally to handle. I was in tears as we drove through the cemetery, knowing how much my husband loves his soon Robbie, and how much we miss him. We are looking forward to Rango, and already love him so much. But to know that Robbie is so close to us every day, and that neither one of us will forget him, is so bittersweet and heartwrenching.
And for the first time I realized how much not just I have changed, but how he has changed as well, and how our marriage has grown. I was forced to finally look outside of how this affected me, to how it affected my husband, and how we interact. And seeing him talk about Robbie and initiate going to the cemetery made me realize how grateful I am for such an amazing husband. He didn't shut me out, when he could have. We grieve together (because I don't think we'll ever stop grieving for what should have been), we celebrate together, and we remember together.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
When One Door Closes....
I have to say in the last 6 months this expression, or anything similar to it, has become my most despised "words of comfort". To realize that 6 months ago our lives were exposed to the extreme grief and darkness that follows a loss such as ours (while it was a stillbirth, he was still our little boy), and didn't know how to make it through day by day, being here today and still standing is amazing. Mario and I have prioritized, making our family first, and limiting how much stress can come from work. Maybe this was more of a lesson for me than him. But it still hurts to think that we should have a 2 month old right now. I am grateful for Rango. For our opportunity to have another child, that maybe Robbie just wasn't "finished" yet. Today we took a tree (dwarf tree) and planted it by my husband's grandparents grave (Robbie's namesakes are his great-grandfathers...Robert for Mario's grandfather, and Francis for mine). It was emotional, and sad, but we knew we had to do it. We had been putting it off for too long. I thought the 6th month anniversary was appropriate. Just every time we remember that scab gets ripped off again. But as we watered the tree, and cried, the sun did break through. We came home, took the dog to park and let him swim in the lake, and then came home and got cleaned up.
But I have yet to see what good is coming from Robbie's death. Or what door is going to open next...it doesn't make sense--still.
I also learned this week that my district is non-renewing me for next school year. Ouch. Not completely unexpected, but to think of everything we've been through, and what a support system this school has been during these last 6 months, it was still a bit of a shock when I was called in for the conference on Wednesday.
But, this is where the constant support and people hugging me may have made it worse for me. They kept saying that this shouldn't have happened, but something good would come out of it.
So, here's my train of thought: Right now I would be on maternity leave. In December/January I would have been at work, so any of the situations that did come up while I was out grieving, wouldn't have existed and would have been handled by me immediately. If Robbie was here, I would still be returning to work in the fall in the same district. If Robbie didn't die, I wouldn't be here right now, staring at unemployment and another non-renewal. And I am struggling to see how these last 6 months were meant to have good come from all the events that occurred.
Can't I just get a break? Why is it those who aren't nice and lie always seem to get ahead, and those of us who do the right thing and work hard get trampled? Why was it my baby that died? I just don't understand life. And while I have been through trials throughout my entire life, I think at this point I am just tired and hurt and want things to happen easily just once. Why can't life be fair just once in someone's life?
But I have yet to see what good is coming from Robbie's death. Or what door is going to open next...it doesn't make sense--still.
I also learned this week that my district is non-renewing me for next school year. Ouch. Not completely unexpected, but to think of everything we've been through, and what a support system this school has been during these last 6 months, it was still a bit of a shock when I was called in for the conference on Wednesday.
But, this is where the constant support and people hugging me may have made it worse for me. They kept saying that this shouldn't have happened, but something good would come out of it.
So, here's my train of thought: Right now I would be on maternity leave. In December/January I would have been at work, so any of the situations that did come up while I was out grieving, wouldn't have existed and would have been handled by me immediately. If Robbie was here, I would still be returning to work in the fall in the same district. If Robbie didn't die, I wouldn't be here right now, staring at unemployment and another non-renewal. And I am struggling to see how these last 6 months were meant to have good come from all the events that occurred.
Can't I just get a break? Why is it those who aren't nice and lie always seem to get ahead, and those of us who do the right thing and work hard get trampled? Why was it my baby that died? I just don't understand life. And while I have been through trials throughout my entire life, I think at this point I am just tired and hurt and want things to happen easily just once. Why can't life be fair just once in someone's life?
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Bittersweetness
There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of Robbie. What he would be doing right now, what we would be doing right now, what milestones he would have made. And each day brought with it a new set of challenges. One of the biggest challenges I've had is talking to/looking at/ acknowledging anyone who was pregnant while I was pregnant, due around Robbie's due date, or just plain are inconsiderate about how they act during their pregnancy (meaning complaining about the aches and pains of it, not realizing I would give anything to have felt the 3rd trimester, even late 2nd trimester pains and uncomfortableness instead of this empty ache in my heart).
And I've felt very guilty about this--babies are a wonderful gift and should be celebrated. It saddens me to think of those women that think having a baby is a competition, and they can be the only ones pregnant at that time. We should all be so lucky to have healthy pregnancies at the same time! I thought this was even before we lost Robbie. I think even more so now. So the fact that I couldn't look at several women I work with that were pregnant (b/c they would complain in earshot of me about how they didn't fit into anything, and how fat they were, and other normal complaints), because I was so sensitive.
But this week I learned that a friend, someone who checked in on me while I was home from work grieving, is finally pregnant! And she is super excited, and for some reason, I am excited and happy too! And while all my fear isn't instantly gone, I feel a bit hopeful about my own pregnancy this time. You know how they say misery loves company? Maybe her happiness and ability to enjoy her pregnancy and not worry will rub off on me! I was just relieved to see that I am moving past this intolerance of other pregnant women. I know its unreasonable, and I don't know every woman's backstory--I'm sure that some women have stories just like mine. But I am seeing this as a sign of healing, of moving forward.
I will never forget my son, my first son. And not a day goes by that I don't wonder what he looked like, what his personality would be. But to know he is in my heart, and I can move on and be happy with the short time I was allowed to be his mom, is okay. Its taking baby steps, but its better than staying in the abyss forever.
There is hope, and the sorrow does lessen. It will never go away---but it will change.
And I've felt very guilty about this--babies are a wonderful gift and should be celebrated. It saddens me to think of those women that think having a baby is a competition, and they can be the only ones pregnant at that time. We should all be so lucky to have healthy pregnancies at the same time! I thought this was even before we lost Robbie. I think even more so now. So the fact that I couldn't look at several women I work with that were pregnant (b/c they would complain in earshot of me about how they didn't fit into anything, and how fat they were, and other normal complaints), because I was so sensitive.
But this week I learned that a friend, someone who checked in on me while I was home from work grieving, is finally pregnant! And she is super excited, and for some reason, I am excited and happy too! And while all my fear isn't instantly gone, I feel a bit hopeful about my own pregnancy this time. You know how they say misery loves company? Maybe her happiness and ability to enjoy her pregnancy and not worry will rub off on me! I was just relieved to see that I am moving past this intolerance of other pregnant women. I know its unreasonable, and I don't know every woman's backstory--I'm sure that some women have stories just like mine. But I am seeing this as a sign of healing, of moving forward.
I will never forget my son, my first son. And not a day goes by that I don't wonder what he looked like, what his personality would be. But to know he is in my heart, and I can move on and be happy with the short time I was allowed to be his mom, is okay. Its taking baby steps, but its better than staying in the abyss forever.
There is hope, and the sorrow does lessen. It will never go away---but it will change.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Missed Firsts...
I've been meaning to write more, but I have been keeping so busy to keep my mind occupied. But I just had to get this out....
I was shopping for my girls' Easter baskets in Target last week, and I always get the same thing, bathing suits and summer pjs. And as I went by the infant section, I realized that today should have been Robbie's first Easter. His first Easter basket, his first Easter egg hunt. And while I am grateful for the little baby growing now, it still stung that my baby boy isn't here today. At church, I saw all these new infants with their families, and I started to cry several times. I should also be holding my baby. But my arms were empty.
And to think I thought the next hardest date would be in November. But I am starting to realize that Mother's Day will be hard, and Father's Day will be too. Then will be July 4th weekend--a special day for me and my husband. I just wish there was some way to fast forward through the heartache....
I was shopping for my girls' Easter baskets in Target last week, and I always get the same thing, bathing suits and summer pjs. And as I went by the infant section, I realized that today should have been Robbie's first Easter. His first Easter basket, his first Easter egg hunt. And while I am grateful for the little baby growing now, it still stung that my baby boy isn't here today. At church, I saw all these new infants with their families, and I started to cry several times. I should also be holding my baby. But my arms were empty.
And to think I thought the next hardest date would be in November. But I am starting to realize that Mother's Day will be hard, and Father's Day will be too. Then will be July 4th weekend--a special day for me and my husband. I just wish there was some way to fast forward through the heartache....
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Today has to be one of the worse days since I've been back to work. And like usual my students are not the issue. I need to vent, because I am sitting here crying I am so upset. The issues that were at play today deal more with situations that occurred after Robbie died, and I just want to know if I am staying at Clearview, or if I have to mentally prepare myself for moving on and making other plans next year.
For starters, let's just remind ourselves that it doesn't matter that I am pregnant--I cannot deal with pregnant women. It still upsets me. So I am on permanent baby bump watch so that I know who to avoid. Seriously, I am not kidding around with this. I will turn and walk out of my way if I even think for a second I'll have to have a conversation or say hello to a pregnant woman. So I knew that one of my co-workers who was recently married would probably be starting a family soon, nevermind that people did tell me that she was trying. I don't know this woman, she and I honestly have always clashed, so I make sure I avoid her at all costs anyway. She is one of the few people in my department who has my supervisor's ear, and the only person he'll listen too. And he asks her for her opinions of me, who she doesn't know!!!! So yes, when I returned to work, I was on baby bump watch for my own emotional health. And about a month ago, the bump and pregnancy look to her was evident. The next fear was that my supervisor, who is completely insensitive and clueless (and doesn't care if he upsets me, as long as this unnamed co-worker is happy), would announce her pregnancy at a department meeting. So I asked my friends to let me know if she was, or if they knew the announcement was coming so that I could excuse myself from the meeting. I didn't want to get upset, and secondly, take away from her joy in that moment by having to flee the room.
But once I knew (again about 2-4 weeks ago) because, well, she looks pregnant--there's a bump, her face is different, I just began to avoid her at all costs. There are 2 other women at work I avoid, and honestly, I'm sorry if they are offended, but I have to do what is best for me right now.
So, yesterday, I shared my news with a teacher who was suspicious that I was pregnant again, and she slipped and said something about this pregnant teacher. Well, the pregnant teacher found out and was furious. My friend, who was caught up in the middle of it, wanted to try to make things better, but only got more upset it seemed. I decided, since I was the one who found out the news and wasn't supposed to know anyway, to go down and tell her that I already knew because she was showing. Wow, I was not prepared for the bitchiness that came from her for no reason!!! And that people defended her reasoning, I'm sorry but that is no excuse to unleash like that on someone. Please know that I just didn't come right out and say that I knew, but I tried to ease into it. I got a lecture on how its her private and personal life, and she doesn't like people talking about her behind her back (well, we see how well I listened to that wish by her), and she went on and on. I explained that no one was being mean, but it slipped, and it wasn't anything I didn't already know. She said she didn't appreciate that I talked to someone about if she was pregnant or not (trying to see if I had to avoid her), and it wasn't my business. I agreed and told her it wasn't, and it has/had nothing to do with me, and I honestly don't care if she is or isn't, but it is obvious she is because she is showing. So whether she likes it or not, people are going to say things. She continued to lash out, and when she was done she turned around and told me I can come in when I want to observe her--like I have any desire to go in and observe her now--the pregnant bitch!!!
So on top of this, because apparently this is "If you are pregnant come and annoy me Day", the other co-worker, who is also pregnant, went behind my back and went to my supervisor (who is avoiding me and not returning emails or making himself available to meet with me), with my ideas!!!! I am fighting for my job right now...after Robbie, some people were incredibly insensitive and the things that happened while I was home waiting for the d & e, and even after, would just make your skin curl. It was inappropriate and ill-timed to say the least. So after I returned things got worse with him, and I had to file a grievance against him. After a conference, I thought things were improving, but he still has yet to come observe me or meet with me (November 12 was the last time I was observed).
Okay...rant over. I miss Robbie, and I want things to go back the way they were before.
I don't want to not be able to be around pregnant women-I don't feel good about myself that that's what I have to do to protect myself emotionally. Just saying....
For starters, let's just remind ourselves that it doesn't matter that I am pregnant--I cannot deal with pregnant women. It still upsets me. So I am on permanent baby bump watch so that I know who to avoid. Seriously, I am not kidding around with this. I will turn and walk out of my way if I even think for a second I'll have to have a conversation or say hello to a pregnant woman. So I knew that one of my co-workers who was recently married would probably be starting a family soon, nevermind that people did tell me that she was trying. I don't know this woman, she and I honestly have always clashed, so I make sure I avoid her at all costs anyway. She is one of the few people in my department who has my supervisor's ear, and the only person he'll listen too. And he asks her for her opinions of me, who she doesn't know!!!! So yes, when I returned to work, I was on baby bump watch for my own emotional health. And about a month ago, the bump and pregnancy look to her was evident. The next fear was that my supervisor, who is completely insensitive and clueless (and doesn't care if he upsets me, as long as this unnamed co-worker is happy), would announce her pregnancy at a department meeting. So I asked my friends to let me know if she was, or if they knew the announcement was coming so that I could excuse myself from the meeting. I didn't want to get upset, and secondly, take away from her joy in that moment by having to flee the room.
But once I knew (again about 2-4 weeks ago) because, well, she looks pregnant--there's a bump, her face is different, I just began to avoid her at all costs. There are 2 other women at work I avoid, and honestly, I'm sorry if they are offended, but I have to do what is best for me right now.
So, yesterday, I shared my news with a teacher who was suspicious that I was pregnant again, and she slipped and said something about this pregnant teacher. Well, the pregnant teacher found out and was furious. My friend, who was caught up in the middle of it, wanted to try to make things better, but only got more upset it seemed. I decided, since I was the one who found out the news and wasn't supposed to know anyway, to go down and tell her that I already knew because she was showing. Wow, I was not prepared for the bitchiness that came from her for no reason!!! And that people defended her reasoning, I'm sorry but that is no excuse to unleash like that on someone. Please know that I just didn't come right out and say that I knew, but I tried to ease into it. I got a lecture on how its her private and personal life, and she doesn't like people talking about her behind her back (well, we see how well I listened to that wish by her), and she went on and on. I explained that no one was being mean, but it slipped, and it wasn't anything I didn't already know. She said she didn't appreciate that I talked to someone about if she was pregnant or not (trying to see if I had to avoid her), and it wasn't my business. I agreed and told her it wasn't, and it has/had nothing to do with me, and I honestly don't care if she is or isn't, but it is obvious she is because she is showing. So whether she likes it or not, people are going to say things. She continued to lash out, and when she was done she turned around and told me I can come in when I want to observe her--like I have any desire to go in and observe her now--the pregnant bitch!!!
So on top of this, because apparently this is "If you are pregnant come and annoy me Day", the other co-worker, who is also pregnant, went behind my back and went to my supervisor (who is avoiding me and not returning emails or making himself available to meet with me), with my ideas!!!! I am fighting for my job right now...after Robbie, some people were incredibly insensitive and the things that happened while I was home waiting for the d & e, and even after, would just make your skin curl. It was inappropriate and ill-timed to say the least. So after I returned things got worse with him, and I had to file a grievance against him. After a conference, I thought things were improving, but he still has yet to come observe me or meet with me (November 12 was the last time I was observed).
Okay...rant over. I miss Robbie, and I want things to go back the way they were before.
I don't want to not be able to be around pregnant women-I don't feel good about myself that that's what I have to do to protect myself emotionally. Just saying....
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Thank you Picture People
I came home yesterday to a coupon from Picture People to start recording those memories right when we take our baby home from the hospital. I've been fortunate because my husband has been hiding all the diaper and formula information and samples that come our way. But of course, I get this one.
I don't think it mattered how much I read and sympathized with those who had EDD of angel babies. I wasn't prepared in the least for the onslaught of emotions I had, starting with my dreams last night. Last night when I went to bed, I wasn't looking forward to the morning, but I thought I'd handle it ok. I mean, I'm not crying as often as I used too. My heart still aches, but it is becoming bearable.
But last night, throughout the night I had disjointed dreams. All centered around me, my husband, doctors, Robbie, and our Rango. They were odd, short, and disturbing. I would wake up crying, shaking, or just had a bad feeling I couldn't shake. By the time the alarm sounded at 5:30, I was more exhausted than when I went to bed, and I know I had slept! One dream in particular had me and Mario at my Ob/Gyn's office, and they wanted to do a new test on the baby (Rango), called the Luteal Phase test. Not to get graphic but it was like I picture a d & e, without any blood. In the dream they told me it was to ensure that the new baby was safe and not sick. I'm sure part was imagination, but I think my subconscious was on over drive. Like when my body refused to let me lose the baby weight because it thought I was still pregnant, I think my subconscious knew that today I should have been giving birth (granted via c-section). I don't know.
But between 5:30 and 6:30 I couldn't move. I was crying, and my husband was doing everything he could to console me. I knew I was going to be late to work, but I couldn't will myself to move, or stop getting upset. I called work at 6:50 to let them know I needed homeroom coverage, and I allowed myself time to get ready and stop for moments of crying. To say today was difficult is an understatement. I still don't know how I made it the entire day without leaving.
It felt like a scab had been ripped off, and I was raw with emotions again. Any little thing triggered tears. I tried to keep busy but there were moments of calm and quiet that unfortunately started my thoughts of how Robbie should be here, in my arms. By the end of the day, after many hugs and co-workers (and some students) checking on me, I survived. I made it home.
I know this is just another milestone, and this year will be filled with them. I just miss my son so much, and wish I could have seen him, see what he looked like, and held him, even for just a moment.
Robbie I love you so much, and I know you are watching over us. While today is really not your birthday, it was the date we had marked on our calendars that we were going to meet you. I can't wait to meet you in heaven. But for now, have fun with Daddy's grandparents and my Poppop--I'm sure they can tell you about us! Your sisters miss you too! Love, Mommy
I don't think it mattered how much I read and sympathized with those who had EDD of angel babies. I wasn't prepared in the least for the onslaught of emotions I had, starting with my dreams last night. Last night when I went to bed, I wasn't looking forward to the morning, but I thought I'd handle it ok. I mean, I'm not crying as often as I used too. My heart still aches, but it is becoming bearable.
But last night, throughout the night I had disjointed dreams. All centered around me, my husband, doctors, Robbie, and our Rango. They were odd, short, and disturbing. I would wake up crying, shaking, or just had a bad feeling I couldn't shake. By the time the alarm sounded at 5:30, I was more exhausted than when I went to bed, and I know I had slept! One dream in particular had me and Mario at my Ob/Gyn's office, and they wanted to do a new test on the baby (Rango), called the Luteal Phase test. Not to get graphic but it was like I picture a d & e, without any blood. In the dream they told me it was to ensure that the new baby was safe and not sick. I'm sure part was imagination, but I think my subconscious was on over drive. Like when my body refused to let me lose the baby weight because it thought I was still pregnant, I think my subconscious knew that today I should have been giving birth (granted via c-section). I don't know.
But between 5:30 and 6:30 I couldn't move. I was crying, and my husband was doing everything he could to console me. I knew I was going to be late to work, but I couldn't will myself to move, or stop getting upset. I called work at 6:50 to let them know I needed homeroom coverage, and I allowed myself time to get ready and stop for moments of crying. To say today was difficult is an understatement. I still don't know how I made it the entire day without leaving.
It felt like a scab had been ripped off, and I was raw with emotions again. Any little thing triggered tears. I tried to keep busy but there were moments of calm and quiet that unfortunately started my thoughts of how Robbie should be here, in my arms. By the end of the day, after many hugs and co-workers (and some students) checking on me, I survived. I made it home.
I know this is just another milestone, and this year will be filled with them. I just miss my son so much, and wish I could have seen him, see what he looked like, and held him, even for just a moment.
Robbie I love you so much, and I know you are watching over us. While today is really not your birthday, it was the date we had marked on our calendars that we were going to meet you. I can't wait to meet you in heaven. But for now, have fun with Daddy's grandparents and my Poppop--I'm sure they can tell you about us! Your sisters miss you too! Love, Mommy
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Apparently I have lost all track of dates!
My apologies (but at the same time I guess a date is just a date)....the 22nd is Tuesday, not Monday....i guess i'm just anxious about it, and while I don't want it to be over, I want it to get here....
Saturday, March 19, 2011
What I Should Be Doing....
As I was getting agitated at my supervisor in an impromptu meeting on Thursday it dawned on me that Thursday would have be, in most likelihood, my last day of work before maternity leave. So while I listened to help demonstrate a lesson on "being able to walk through a hole in a piece of paper), inside I wanted to just scream. But I didn't. I walked out, and went to class and taught my freshmen as if nothing was wrong. Yesterday I should have been at the hospital doing all of my pre-op work, then running around doing little things to get the nursery ready. Instead, I went to work (thank God I do love my job), then came home to meet the exterminator about our ant problem. Today we went out and ran errands, one of which was trying to return the stroller system that arrived damaged from Target.
I know I wanted to originally do something special on the due date (I was torn b/c while the due date was the 28th, the c-section was scheduled for the 22nd). But the more I thought about it the more I realized that the due date meant nothing except past hopes and dreams. And it was best for us to just continue to move on and heal.
But that doesn't make this weekend any easier. I am dreading Monday will all my heart. And I'm not sure, except for my blogging followers, that anyone else realizes how much my heart hurts right now, and how big of a day this is. I know there is so much to look forward too, but its hard to just forget what was supposed to be.
Robbie, I miss you so much and really wish that we could meet you on Monday. I love you! Mommy
I know I wanted to originally do something special on the due date (I was torn b/c while the due date was the 28th, the c-section was scheduled for the 22nd). But the more I thought about it the more I realized that the due date meant nothing except past hopes and dreams. And it was best for us to just continue to move on and heal.
But that doesn't make this weekend any easier. I am dreading Monday will all my heart. And I'm not sure, except for my blogging followers, that anyone else realizes how much my heart hurts right now, and how big of a day this is. I know there is so much to look forward too, but its hard to just forget what was supposed to be.
Robbie, I miss you so much and really wish that we could meet you on Monday. I love you! Mommy
Sunday, March 13, 2011
4 months
I was at a bridal shower today, and it dawned on me that not only has it been 4 months since our little boy's demise, but next Monday was my scheduled c-section. It was a happy, fun shower for a dear friend (well, friend of my husband's since high school, and i've gotten to know her too). and i hated the fact that one comment was made at the table i was sitting at, and it had my mind just swirling with emotions.
On the way home I listened to Pearl Jam, and the song "Just Breathe" came on. Its funny how things have taken on new meaning. I could have sworn 4 months and 1 day ago I took this song one way, but today as I listened to it, it spoke to me and my tears.
On the way home I listened to Pearl Jam, and the song "Just Breathe" came on. Its funny how things have taken on new meaning. I could have sworn 4 months and 1 day ago I took this song one way, but today as I listened to it, it spoke to me and my tears.
"Yes I understand that every life must end, aw huh,..
As we sit alone, I know someday we must go, aw huh,..
I’m a lucky man to count on both hands
The ones I love,..
As we sit alone, I know someday we must go, aw huh,..
I’m a lucky man to count on both hands
The ones I love,..
Some folks just have one,
Others they got none, aw huh,..
Others they got none, aw huh,..
Stay with me,..
Let’s just breathe.
Let’s just breathe.
Practiced are my sins,
Never gonna let me win, aw huh,..
Under everything, just another human being, aw huh,..
Yeh, I don’t wanna hurt, there’s so much in this world
To make me bleed.
Never gonna let me win, aw huh,..
Under everything, just another human being, aw huh,..
Yeh, I don’t wanna hurt, there’s so much in this world
To make me bleed.
Stay with me,..
You’re all I see.
You’re all I see.
Did I say that I need you?
Did I say that I want you?
Oh, if I didn’t now I’m a fool you see,..
No one knows this more than me.
As I come clean.
Did I say that I want you?
Oh, if I didn’t now I’m a fool you see,..
No one knows this more than me.
As I come clean.
I wonder everyday
as I look upon your face, aw huh,..
Everything you gave
And nothing you would take, aw huh,..
Nothing you would take,..
Everything you gave.
as I look upon your face, aw huh,..
Everything you gave
And nothing you would take, aw huh,..
Nothing you would take,..
Everything you gave.
Did I say that I need you?
Oh, Did I say that I want you?
Oh, if I didn’t now I’m a fool you see,..
No one know this more than me.
As I come clean.
Oh, Did I say that I want you?
Oh, if I didn’t now I’m a fool you see,..
No one know this more than me.
As I come clean.
Nothing you would take,..
everything you gave.
Hold me till I die,..
Meet you on the other side."
everything you gave.
Hold me till I die,..
Meet you on the other side."
There's no more words for today...I'm sure i'm entering into a very difficult week.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Remembering Robbie
Of course Robbie has been on my mind a lot lately. The fact that he would have been joining us in just 21 short days. That while I've been through morning sickness already and didn't have my baby to take home, I get to go through it again, during what I know will be one of my roughest months ever. I've already decided that this blog is dedicated to the memory of my son, and to chart my walk while I learn to live with my grief. Maybe our little firefly will have a blog. But I will only mention my pregnancy as it pertains to my healing, and adjusting to the fact that my little boy won't be coming home with us on March 22nd (the scheduled c-section date).
I've spoken with my mom, my husband, and two friends about my dilemma about taking a personal day on Robbie's due date. I felt very conflicted. On one hand, I don't want to minimize our loss, and ignore the fact that that date (well, a date around it) would be his birthday. But on the other I can rationalize that like so many other mothers (I think of mom's with preemies), sometimes our little ones don't make it to their due date. Our babies chose their own birthdate. And Robbie has his. Not in the way we thought, or imagined. But the dates November 14th, November 17th and November 24th will always be the dates associated with our son. Not March 22nd or 28th. So while we will do something on that day, I don't think staying at home, reflecting on what should have been, is healthy or necessary. Nor does my son want me getting myself upset. So I'm not having a baby in March. I'm not 8 months pregnant. But I will be 8 months pregnant someday. I can look forward to the future. The past is the past, and its not what I wanted. But I also can't live in the past, of the "what should have been".
When my assistant superintendent and I spoke this week I mentioned this to her, and she told me how mature that was, and how far I've obviously come in my healing. But also knew that I was still going through a process, and this was just one step in a series of steps. But she acknowledged my son, and that he did exist. For someone out side of the family to acknowledge this was so touching.
I know my family will never forget Robbie--he is a part of our family, our story. Today I was talking with a co-worker about women who had 3 girls, and wanted just 1 boy, and when it was a 4th girl, they were devastated, and really neglected their daughter because she was the wrong sex. And we chatted about how people should just be grateful for a healthy child. And I mentioned how in my family, for the last 3 generations, we only had girls naturally. So something is obviously in our gene pool that chooses that x-chromosome sperm over the y-chromosome sperm...something about acidity. But she stopped me and said "But you had a boy. You had Robbie." I was stunned. I mean, I knew I had a boy. But I never thought of it like that. And that a non-family member not only reminded me, but called him by name...I was speechless.
It touched me that while I know I talk about all 3 of my children, other people are acknowledging Robbie as my boy, not just as a taboo subject (if we don't mention him then maybe she won't talk about him).
It does help me to know going into the next 22 days that while I know I will never forget my son, neither will those around me! And it doesn't matter how I choose to formally remember him. The fact that people talk about him means that he won't be forgotten!
I've spoken with my mom, my husband, and two friends about my dilemma about taking a personal day on Robbie's due date. I felt very conflicted. On one hand, I don't want to minimize our loss, and ignore the fact that that date (well, a date around it) would be his birthday. But on the other I can rationalize that like so many other mothers (I think of mom's with preemies), sometimes our little ones don't make it to their due date. Our babies chose their own birthdate. And Robbie has his. Not in the way we thought, or imagined. But the dates November 14th, November 17th and November 24th will always be the dates associated with our son. Not March 22nd or 28th. So while we will do something on that day, I don't think staying at home, reflecting on what should have been, is healthy or necessary. Nor does my son want me getting myself upset. So I'm not having a baby in March. I'm not 8 months pregnant. But I will be 8 months pregnant someday. I can look forward to the future. The past is the past, and its not what I wanted. But I also can't live in the past, of the "what should have been".
When my assistant superintendent and I spoke this week I mentioned this to her, and she told me how mature that was, and how far I've obviously come in my healing. But also knew that I was still going through a process, and this was just one step in a series of steps. But she acknowledged my son, and that he did exist. For someone out side of the family to acknowledge this was so touching.
I know my family will never forget Robbie--he is a part of our family, our story. Today I was talking with a co-worker about women who had 3 girls, and wanted just 1 boy, and when it was a 4th girl, they were devastated, and really neglected their daughter because she was the wrong sex. And we chatted about how people should just be grateful for a healthy child. And I mentioned how in my family, for the last 3 generations, we only had girls naturally. So something is obviously in our gene pool that chooses that x-chromosome sperm over the y-chromosome sperm...something about acidity. But she stopped me and said "But you had a boy. You had Robbie." I was stunned. I mean, I knew I had a boy. But I never thought of it like that. And that a non-family member not only reminded me, but called him by name...I was speechless.
It touched me that while I know I talk about all 3 of my children, other people are acknowledging Robbie as my boy, not just as a taboo subject (if we don't mention him then maybe she won't talk about him).
It does help me to know going into the next 22 days that while I know I will never forget my son, neither will those around me! And it doesn't matter how I choose to formally remember him. The fact that people talk about him means that he won't be forgotten!
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Time
It's been three months since we said goodbye to our little boy. He grew his wings on a Sunday, and we found out that following Wednesday. So where the actual "3 month" mark is, I'm not sure. In my memory, those days all blurred together, like some bad dream.
3 months ago our world fell apart, the carpet ripped out from under us. It was dark, and bleak. I don't remember hours, or days, just stretches of time. Albert Einstein said that time slows down as we approach the speed of light (quantum physics), but honestly, time halted for us during the first two months. Each day was marked by milestones and tv shows and mealtimes when we had the girls. I don't remember looking at a clock, or caring what time it was. I still don't pay attention to time as much as I used to. Its just not important anymore. What's important is spending the time doing quality things. Instead of scheduling something so that we had to be someplace at a certain time, now I'll get there when we get there. Bedtime has been flexible to whatever we are doing as a family.
I know my mantra especially in those first few weeks, and still today, is taking it day by day. I don't know what tomorrow will be, or what will happen. I know what is happening now, and what we might want to do later.
When you plan for a baby you look forward to the 9 months of carrying that baby. You know the timing, up the day when you are going to meet your little one for the first time. We were cheated of that. Instead of looking forward to March 28th, and getting to deliver and hold our son, we are planning a memorial service locally for him. I have already taken the day off of work. But nothing is planned because you just don't know what is going to happen between now and then. Nothing is guaranteed. I just know that I am setting aside that day to remember my son, and mourn the fact that while I won't be meeting him on that particular day that we had been counting down to, I know that someday I will be meeting him. But there's no set time.
Time seems to have gone on for the rest of the world. In the last three months, we have friends getting married, friends who have little ones growing and making milestones. We have our girls who have their own lives they are living. Allie made Student of the Month, and Emily just had her fifth birthday. I know the world continues to move on, but in my mind, everything is in slow motion. Time seems to have slowed down.
I am also reflecting on the differences in me from the first 2 months, and this last month. I know I am making progress in healing. I know that we are moving on too, although never forgetting our little Robbie. The first two months I could barely function outside of my own head and emotions. Lately, I've been making my own lessons at school again. I feel my energy is back in the classroom, and the kids are seeing a difference as well. I had my daughter's party yesterday, and while there were siblings there around 1-2 years old, I didn't break down and cry. I was amazed at how cute and small they are, and almost in my grief I had forgotten all the joys of motherhood in those first few years. But I know that I want to still have that chance again, to change diapers, and hear them giggle, and cry, and try to be independent and be a big kid when they are still so young and dependent!
Time is a funny thing. For most of my life time just flew by, and I just moved from one thing to another. After Robbie, I am learning that time is really meaningless in hours and days. Time is valuable when you use it to spend with the ones you love, with no time restraints!
The last three months have felt like an endless eternity. I have been existing in a fog, and only now is the fog beginning to lift. And this fog has distorted my sense of time. My family has a lot to look forward too, and while it hurts so much that Robbie won't be with us physically to share it, I know he is looking out for us, and in a blink of an eye we will be with him, and sharing stories and memories! And time won't matter in the least!!
Robbie--I love you so much. Even though my heart aches to hold you, and feel you kick, I know you are watching over all of us. Your sister even writes in her diary about you. I know she misses you too. I know your dad thinks its silly, but our song always plays at the times I need to know you are ok, and still with me. And I know its your way of letting me know you are watching over us all. Please watch over your little brother or sister---and let them know how much we love you, and how much they are loved too! But let him/her know who you are so that they can tell us a little about you, maybe, one day. Love Mommy
3 months ago our world fell apart, the carpet ripped out from under us. It was dark, and bleak. I don't remember hours, or days, just stretches of time. Albert Einstein said that time slows down as we approach the speed of light (quantum physics), but honestly, time halted for us during the first two months. Each day was marked by milestones and tv shows and mealtimes when we had the girls. I don't remember looking at a clock, or caring what time it was. I still don't pay attention to time as much as I used to. Its just not important anymore. What's important is spending the time doing quality things. Instead of scheduling something so that we had to be someplace at a certain time, now I'll get there when we get there. Bedtime has been flexible to whatever we are doing as a family.
I know my mantra especially in those first few weeks, and still today, is taking it day by day. I don't know what tomorrow will be, or what will happen. I know what is happening now, and what we might want to do later.
When you plan for a baby you look forward to the 9 months of carrying that baby. You know the timing, up the day when you are going to meet your little one for the first time. We were cheated of that. Instead of looking forward to March 28th, and getting to deliver and hold our son, we are planning a memorial service locally for him. I have already taken the day off of work. But nothing is planned because you just don't know what is going to happen between now and then. Nothing is guaranteed. I just know that I am setting aside that day to remember my son, and mourn the fact that while I won't be meeting him on that particular day that we had been counting down to, I know that someday I will be meeting him. But there's no set time.
Time seems to have gone on for the rest of the world. In the last three months, we have friends getting married, friends who have little ones growing and making milestones. We have our girls who have their own lives they are living. Allie made Student of the Month, and Emily just had her fifth birthday. I know the world continues to move on, but in my mind, everything is in slow motion. Time seems to have slowed down.
I am also reflecting on the differences in me from the first 2 months, and this last month. I know I am making progress in healing. I know that we are moving on too, although never forgetting our little Robbie. The first two months I could barely function outside of my own head and emotions. Lately, I've been making my own lessons at school again. I feel my energy is back in the classroom, and the kids are seeing a difference as well. I had my daughter's party yesterday, and while there were siblings there around 1-2 years old, I didn't break down and cry. I was amazed at how cute and small they are, and almost in my grief I had forgotten all the joys of motherhood in those first few years. But I know that I want to still have that chance again, to change diapers, and hear them giggle, and cry, and try to be independent and be a big kid when they are still so young and dependent!
Time is a funny thing. For most of my life time just flew by, and I just moved from one thing to another. After Robbie, I am learning that time is really meaningless in hours and days. Time is valuable when you use it to spend with the ones you love, with no time restraints!
The last three months have felt like an endless eternity. I have been existing in a fog, and only now is the fog beginning to lift. And this fog has distorted my sense of time. My family has a lot to look forward too, and while it hurts so much that Robbie won't be with us physically to share it, I know he is looking out for us, and in a blink of an eye we will be with him, and sharing stories and memories! And time won't matter in the least!!
Robbie--I love you so much. Even though my heart aches to hold you, and feel you kick, I know you are watching over all of us. Your sister even writes in her diary about you. I know she misses you too. I know your dad thinks its silly, but our song always plays at the times I need to know you are ok, and still with me. And I know its your way of letting me know you are watching over us all. Please watch over your little brother or sister---and let them know how much we love you, and how much they are loved too! But let him/her know who you are so that they can tell us a little about you, maybe, one day. Love Mommy
Friday, February 4, 2011
Pictures
So I was browsing through pictures from this summer, without realizing the memories they would stir up. But its bittersweet. I want to share some with you. These were mostly all taken during a road trip Mario and I took from Flanders, NJ to Niagara Falls (Canada side) to Hershey Park.
This is me and Mario watching the hot air balloon festival with our friends Michelle and Mike. I was about 7-8 weeks pregnant.
Me and my college friend Michelle (pregnant with her son Drew)
Having dinner in Niagara Falls, the first night. My husband thought this was my baby bump, because my tummy had always been firm and flat.
In Niagara Falls, 7-8 weeks pregnant.
Our Summer of 2010 road trip
On the maid of the mist in Niagara Falls.
Yup, that's Mario, in the front of the roller coaster. Since I was pregnant, I was told "absolutely no rides" by my doctor. We planned this trip before we were pregnant, but I still wanted Mario to have some fun! So I was the photographer, and he got to ride the rides!
I wanted ice cream, so we went to the Hershey Studio place where you make your own sundae. It was cute, but over priced. This is how Mario got creative.
Yup, bittersweet. You can't tell me we weren't excited.
My lovely baby bump--I took these to send to my mom because I thought I was too big for how far along I was. It turns out, except for the professional bump shots I had taken (and still need to get), these are the only bump pics I have. Next time I'll be taking more! Really, these are my only shots of Robbie...
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Little Triggers
I know I haven't blogged for a while, but I've been so tired at night, and have had so much going on during the day. I guess its good that i'm super busy, it keeps the days going by faster, and I'm sleeping through the night in a deep sleep.
But last night I started teasing my husband about what plans was he making for my birthday. See, for the last 4 years that we've been together, he has forgotten my birthday every year, and I ended up making plans for myself. So a little background (and know that I love my husband very much, but his track record with planning birthdays is not great!):
The first year I was fortunate and had 2 great girlfriends who took me to AC for a night, and we had a very expensive, very tasty dessert, then dinner hours later!
The second year we were supposed to go to Sea Isle and stay in a friend's house for a weekend (us and the girls)...which I organized. But then I received an offer on my house, and stayed home that Friday we were supposed to leave to go down to the shore to pack up the dining room. My girls were acting up, and unpacking everything I had packed. Plus the weather was cold and miserable, so I cancelled it. The next day I decided "let's still go to ocean city and get some mack and manco's"...in the rain and wind. My oldest decided to have a temper tantrum in the pizza shop, and we went home, with no pizza and chilled to the bone. Happy birthday to me.
The 3rd year was my 30th birthday--I had been hinting at it for weeks, and while I didn't want anything big, I did want it acknowledged. He made no plans. Nothing, nada. The day before I turned the big "30" I learned he honestly didn't make any plans. So I called up some friends and we went to PF Chang's for dinner--just 5 of us. But I had to make the plans.
Then there was last year, the 4th year. I guilted him all year about dropping the ball on my 30th birthday, hoping something would spur him on. But, apparently not. I had to make last minute plans with dear friends to go out to dinner. Unfortunately (or fortunately for Mario), that was the night an hour before our friends were due to arrive we learned our basement started to flood. Therefore, we spent the whole night and into the next morning getting rugs and carpets and toys out of the basement and upstairs. Fun (well, at least memorable).
So onto the present...we were excited because I would be 9 months pregnant, weeks away from having our son, and celebrating our life. See, I was foolish enough to think that me saying I wanted to have my third child by the time I was 32 meant the universe would listen. But our plans are meaningless.
Last night I was teasing him about our plans for my birthday this year, only to learn that he hasn't even thought about it, or planned anything, again! Not even dinner out. And i'm giving him 5 weeks notice!!
So as I was teasing him, suddenly the tears began to fall, and next thing we knew I was in a heap on the floor, a mess of sobs, snot, and cries. I was supposed to be planning my maternity leave. I was supposed to be waddling around with a cute (while large) belly, knowing that my little boy would be greeting us in a short amount of time. I was supposed to be celebrating my birthday, not being sad about the path my life had taken.
It just sucks. Here I was moving along, actually doing quite well (yes, pat myself on the back), taking everything in stride and day by day (which my friends and family know is not me at all). And one little thing just set me off.
I know March is going to be a difficult month, just like next November and December when the anniversaries come around. I thought though I would have January and February to prepare myself. I wasn't prepared for the onslaught of emotion that hit me just trying to plan something as innocent as my birthday.
I can just hope that my 32nd year will be better than my 31st!
But last night I started teasing my husband about what plans was he making for my birthday. See, for the last 4 years that we've been together, he has forgotten my birthday every year, and I ended up making plans for myself. So a little background (and know that I love my husband very much, but his track record with planning birthdays is not great!):
The first year I was fortunate and had 2 great girlfriends who took me to AC for a night, and we had a very expensive, very tasty dessert, then dinner hours later!
The second year we were supposed to go to Sea Isle and stay in a friend's house for a weekend (us and the girls)...which I organized. But then I received an offer on my house, and stayed home that Friday we were supposed to leave to go down to the shore to pack up the dining room. My girls were acting up, and unpacking everything I had packed. Plus the weather was cold and miserable, so I cancelled it. The next day I decided "let's still go to ocean city and get some mack and manco's"...in the rain and wind. My oldest decided to have a temper tantrum in the pizza shop, and we went home, with no pizza and chilled to the bone. Happy birthday to me.
The 3rd year was my 30th birthday--I had been hinting at it for weeks, and while I didn't want anything big, I did want it acknowledged. He made no plans. Nothing, nada. The day before I turned the big "30" I learned he honestly didn't make any plans. So I called up some friends and we went to PF Chang's for dinner--just 5 of us. But I had to make the plans.
Then there was last year, the 4th year. I guilted him all year about dropping the ball on my 30th birthday, hoping something would spur him on. But, apparently not. I had to make last minute plans with dear friends to go out to dinner. Unfortunately (or fortunately for Mario), that was the night an hour before our friends were due to arrive we learned our basement started to flood. Therefore, we spent the whole night and into the next morning getting rugs and carpets and toys out of the basement and upstairs. Fun (well, at least memorable).
So onto the present...we were excited because I would be 9 months pregnant, weeks away from having our son, and celebrating our life. See, I was foolish enough to think that me saying I wanted to have my third child by the time I was 32 meant the universe would listen. But our plans are meaningless.
Last night I was teasing him about our plans for my birthday this year, only to learn that he hasn't even thought about it, or planned anything, again! Not even dinner out. And i'm giving him 5 weeks notice!!
So as I was teasing him, suddenly the tears began to fall, and next thing we knew I was in a heap on the floor, a mess of sobs, snot, and cries. I was supposed to be planning my maternity leave. I was supposed to be waddling around with a cute (while large) belly, knowing that my little boy would be greeting us in a short amount of time. I was supposed to be celebrating my birthday, not being sad about the path my life had taken.
It just sucks. Here I was moving along, actually doing quite well (yes, pat myself on the back), taking everything in stride and day by day (which my friends and family know is not me at all). And one little thing just set me off.
I know March is going to be a difficult month, just like next November and December when the anniversaries come around. I thought though I would have January and February to prepare myself. I wasn't prepared for the onslaught of emotion that hit me just trying to plan something as innocent as my birthday.
I can just hope that my 32nd year will be better than my 31st!
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Happiness
Ok, so its been a rough couple of weeks--I came down with this nasty cold that my husband gave to me over christmas break despite taking airborne, vitamin c and the gummy vitamins for immunity. Darn! But to top it off, the day I felt the worst (and apparently looked the worst), and had no voice I was observed for school by the assistant superintendent. And it was the same day that I found out my grandmother was being rushed in to surgery at 2:30 that afternoon, on the heels of an impending snowstorm, after falling down the stairs and fracturing her ankle in 3 places.
And if that wasn't enough for 1 day, I was also waiting to hear if an important letter was hand delivered to the superintendent regarding a situation at work. So to say my nerves were a bit rattled would be an understatement. So to walk into my third period, and see the assistant superintendent on my heels, I shrugged my shoulders and told myself it is what it is. Just do what comes naturally, and know that when I'm with my students, I am confident I am a good teacher. Honestly, for the book that I was told I have to follow word by word for this year, it was a boring lesson, and not something that I would normally be okay doing with the kids. But I was told to follow this new book by the letter (its scripted), and so I did, to the dismay of the students. The lesson was bad, and there just wasn't anyway without going off script that I could help it. But overall, it was a pretty typical day.
So a week and a half later, I meet with her to go over my post-observation. One of the first things she says to me is "How are you doing?". I replied honestly, "I'm making it day by day-thanks for asking." She then goes on to ask/tell me if I am happy, because the teacher she saw during the observation was not the same teacher she saw a year ago (well, yeah, duh!). She wanted to know if I was happy at my school. Because my face just isn't the same, neither is my demeanor. Not that I was negative, just not as excited or involved as I was last year, or during my demo lesson when I interviewed. She then told me she understood that I am going through a major traumatic experience, and that there is a part of me that is still grieving (again, duh!), but she just got the feeling that I was stressed and anxious and not enjoying my job anymore.
What do you say? What could I do? I actually have thought that in the last few weeks I have been coming out of the fog that is now my existence. I thought I was doing okay at work...joking with the kids, doing my thing, talking with co-workers. Yes, there are days I have to put the sad Stacey away and focus on getting through each class period. And my co-workers have told me that when I have rough days, they know, but its no different than any other teacher having a bad day. But to have her tell me that I look different, and I am just not the same, I just was speechless. How do you respond except by repeating that you are happy, and if you didn't like where you worked, you certainly wouldn't have come back as soon as I did after the baby?
Last week my aunt told my husband he looked sad. He told me later in the car, and he was confused too. So last night we talked about the fact that we keep getting comments about how sad we look, or how anxious we seem to be. And we came to the conclusion that we are doing the best we can, and to us, we are operating somewhat normally in the real world. We aren't going to be "normal". We are finding a new normal, our new selves after Robert died. It took me 28 years to find out who I was and be comfortable in that. I've been living 3 years comfortable knowing who I am. Now that has all changed--and I don't know what that means as far as people's perception of me.
But as far as happiness goes, I hope I can be happy again. I know that watching my daughters when they aren't fighting makes me happy, watching my dog act like an idiot over a stuffed cat makes me happy, and spending time with my husband makes me happy. But there are those moments when I realize life isn't what I thought it was, and I am sad. I am trying to make the best out of it, and learn to go through each day to find a bit of happiness. I am fortunate that my family and friends have helped with this.
Mario and I agreed that we really think people who tell us we "look sad" or "unhappy" are actually just projecting their feelings onto us. We are the pitied couple right now. People see us, and feel sorry for us. And in turn, they project those feelings onto us, and assume we are just sad or unhappy.
So, my response to am I happy?....Yes, I am happy. It's just not as frequent as I used to be. My moments of unhappiness/ sadness are so much greater and stronger than I have ever felt, but that is okay that I feel like that. I am supposed to feel like that. I am still grieving! I enjoy every moment in the classroom. I love my co-workers, and the support I have received through everything! I will try a little harder to bring a little more of "me" into my lessons like you suggested, and see if that makes a difference in my appearance. I don't know why I look different, but I am different. I try to hide my sadness at work, but it doesn't mean I am any lesser of a teacher because I am going through this.
I miss my son, I miss being pregnant. Not a day goes by I don't think I should be _____ weeks along, and doing __________- (any activities to prepare for the baby). But I am hopeful that maybe he'll be ready to come down from heaven soon, and we will finally get to meet.
Robbie---I miss you and feeling you move at night. I hate when I get the phantom kicks--its just another reminder that you aren't there anymore. But thank you for the song on Wednesday--I had no idea it would be so rough walking in. But everytime it plays, its just when I need it, and I know you are looking over me. I love you! Mommy
And if that wasn't enough for 1 day, I was also waiting to hear if an important letter was hand delivered to the superintendent regarding a situation at work. So to say my nerves were a bit rattled would be an understatement. So to walk into my third period, and see the assistant superintendent on my heels, I shrugged my shoulders and told myself it is what it is. Just do what comes naturally, and know that when I'm with my students, I am confident I am a good teacher. Honestly, for the book that I was told I have to follow word by word for this year, it was a boring lesson, and not something that I would normally be okay doing with the kids. But I was told to follow this new book by the letter (its scripted), and so I did, to the dismay of the students. The lesson was bad, and there just wasn't anyway without going off script that I could help it. But overall, it was a pretty typical day.
So a week and a half later, I meet with her to go over my post-observation. One of the first things she says to me is "How are you doing?". I replied honestly, "I'm making it day by day-thanks for asking." She then goes on to ask/tell me if I am happy, because the teacher she saw during the observation was not the same teacher she saw a year ago (well, yeah, duh!). She wanted to know if I was happy at my school. Because my face just isn't the same, neither is my demeanor. Not that I was negative, just not as excited or involved as I was last year, or during my demo lesson when I interviewed. She then told me she understood that I am going through a major traumatic experience, and that there is a part of me that is still grieving (again, duh!), but she just got the feeling that I was stressed and anxious and not enjoying my job anymore.
What do you say? What could I do? I actually have thought that in the last few weeks I have been coming out of the fog that is now my existence. I thought I was doing okay at work...joking with the kids, doing my thing, talking with co-workers. Yes, there are days I have to put the sad Stacey away and focus on getting through each class period. And my co-workers have told me that when I have rough days, they know, but its no different than any other teacher having a bad day. But to have her tell me that I look different, and I am just not the same, I just was speechless. How do you respond except by repeating that you are happy, and if you didn't like where you worked, you certainly wouldn't have come back as soon as I did after the baby?
Last week my aunt told my husband he looked sad. He told me later in the car, and he was confused too. So last night we talked about the fact that we keep getting comments about how sad we look, or how anxious we seem to be. And we came to the conclusion that we are doing the best we can, and to us, we are operating somewhat normally in the real world. We aren't going to be "normal". We are finding a new normal, our new selves after Robert died. It took me 28 years to find out who I was and be comfortable in that. I've been living 3 years comfortable knowing who I am. Now that has all changed--and I don't know what that means as far as people's perception of me.
But as far as happiness goes, I hope I can be happy again. I know that watching my daughters when they aren't fighting makes me happy, watching my dog act like an idiot over a stuffed cat makes me happy, and spending time with my husband makes me happy. But there are those moments when I realize life isn't what I thought it was, and I am sad. I am trying to make the best out of it, and learn to go through each day to find a bit of happiness. I am fortunate that my family and friends have helped with this.
Mario and I agreed that we really think people who tell us we "look sad" or "unhappy" are actually just projecting their feelings onto us. We are the pitied couple right now. People see us, and feel sorry for us. And in turn, they project those feelings onto us, and assume we are just sad or unhappy.
So, my response to am I happy?....Yes, I am happy. It's just not as frequent as I used to be. My moments of unhappiness/ sadness are so much greater and stronger than I have ever felt, but that is okay that I feel like that. I am supposed to feel like that. I am still grieving! I enjoy every moment in the classroom. I love my co-workers, and the support I have received through everything! I will try a little harder to bring a little more of "me" into my lessons like you suggested, and see if that makes a difference in my appearance. I don't know why I look different, but I am different. I try to hide my sadness at work, but it doesn't mean I am any lesser of a teacher because I am going through this.
I miss my son, I miss being pregnant. Not a day goes by I don't think I should be _____ weeks along, and doing __________- (any activities to prepare for the baby). But I am hopeful that maybe he'll be ready to come down from heaven soon, and we will finally get to meet.
Robbie---I miss you and feeling you move at night. I hate when I get the phantom kicks--its just another reminder that you aren't there anymore. But thank you for the song on Wednesday--I had no idea it would be so rough walking in. But everytime it plays, its just when I need it, and I know you are looking over me. I love you! Mommy
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Protection
I have been doing so well for about a week. After the family fall out, Mario and I were able to talk and get on the same page, and really hash out some issues that we had brewing from early on in the pregnancy. Mainly, confrontational issues. If you know me, you know that I like to just settle things right away, put things on the table, and argue and yell and get it all out and resolved. Mario doesn't. So in trying to protect me so that I don't get upset, he pushes issues aside and doesn't tell people the truth about what is wrong, which means that they continue their insulting behavior. Which in turns makes me more upset! And round and round we go until I finally just handle it, and the situation is resolved--normally not so well because it has been festering for so long, but at least the truth is out. But this past weekend, thanks to my mother in law, my husband saw that in order to protect me from getting upset, if you just tell people the truth at the start, perhaps they won't like it, but then at least it won't drag out for weeks! While he didn't say the truth of what was going on, my mother in law didn't mince words, and within 25 minutes my stress was gone (well, i was still upset for how they had hurt us, but the stress of confrontation was over).
Protection...everyone has tried so hard to protect these last 2 months. From needless worry, anxiety, stress, decision making, family issues. Our moms have been doing what moms do best--calling and checking on us daily, listening and offering advice, and when needed, arguing for us (and for them). But the kicker of the situation is that the things they are trying to protect us from now are so petty and minute compared to the loss of our son--that no one could have protected us from. My husband couldn't protect me from the procedures, from bleeding so much in the hospital, from the harsh reality that my baby bump just seemed to disappear overnight. I couldn't protect him from the fact that he doesn't get to feel his son kick, or hold his son in 2 months. Neither of us can protect each other of the hurt we feel when we walk into the nursery, and where the glider and crib should be, instead is an urn with the cremains of our son, with the only pictures we have of him on the wall. We can't protect each other from the reality that even if we try again, and are blessed with another baby, we might suffer this heartache again.
Today I have been feeling odd. Almost like I'm on the verge of a bad day. But nothing has really happened to make me feel this way. Yes, I had to go out and help him shovel again, when I mentally kept reminding myself that I should have been inside, but that doesn't matter right now. There is no baby in my uterus...I can push myself as hard as I want. Except that my body has tricked itself into thinking that I might still be carrying a child, and even though I have been exercising like crazy, and watching my diet, my body has apparently put itself into starvation mode, and I am not losing any weight at all. Nobody could have protected me from the hurt I feel about my body just not cooperating so I can fit into my old clothes. (although i love my cousin who told me i'm still skinny). There's just some things you have to muddle through because there is no short cut or easy option. Sometimes people can't protect you, as much as they want too.
So Sunday, after all of our revelations and realizations that we have to be clearer in what we need to feel safe and protected with each other (and our families), we ran to target. (Side note...my daughter was with her dad, and had to be rushed to the ER because she fell on the floor and put a deep gash in her chin...5 stitches later she was discharged and numb, and we had an afternoon out that we weren't anticipating). We picked up the normal items, and found ourselves walking right past the baby aisle to get to the registers. I have successfully avoided baby sections (hah---i was protecting myself). But I wanted to see the price of a jogger stroller---the cause of his cousin making another rift between him and her, to see really, what was the big deal. It was only $100--apparently the price to insult and hurt your cousin beyond words, and then tell him your relationship was over. He and I had no idea it was so low, and went ok. That is actually a reasonably priced object, and when we'll need it (6 months after a baby is born) we should be able to manage to buy it. But while we were in the aisle, I choose to just look at the baby items. Mario was hesitant, because he didn't want me to hurt and break down, but allowed us to wander around. See, while we never registered, or picked out a pattern for the pack and play, stroller/travel system, and high chair, we never found a new one we liked. The weekend before we found out about our baby, I had contacted several people, and had plans to purchase their used items that we liked more. I had everything lined up, all the staples plus a breast pump. We were going to pick them up the weekend before Thanksgiving. The only thing we had actually picked out was the bedding.
But the first item we saw was an Eddie Bauer highchair--the old fashioned wood looking kind--not the big plastic kind. We really liked it. We liked the cushion too. So Mario went and found the stroller system, and called me over, and we both loved it! We found the pack and play, and realized that we actually loved this pattern!
See, his cousin and I traded jogger strollers a while back--my double for her single. When we found out the baby died, I returned any baby items I had except the jogger. I just didn't need the reminders of what we had lost. But the stroller, which was needed for a 6month old or older baby, was the one piece of hope we were holding onto that maybe, maybe we would try again, and get our take home baby. It was in the garage, so we could go and glance at it, and take a deep breathe and know that maybe we would be able to move past the darkness and sadness, and try again. When his cousin demanded it back, because they needed it now, and wouldn't trade back the stroller, it struck a nerve with us. It was like they were telling us that we weren't going to ever need it again. They were assuming that because our baby died at 5 months, we weren't going to get an opportunity to try again and succeed, so they just wanted it back and didn't want to return our double stroller because they still needed it. We are sensitive, and we are allowed to be right now. But how they handled this situation was just wrong. And its something my husband won't get over anytime soon. We did end up deciding that it was better for us as a couple, and future parents, to just give them the damn stroller, and buy a new one with no negativity attached to it (or those who were not wishing us well).
Anyway, back to Target. We now have no baby stuff, nothing. I felt hopeless-I had nothing to cling too besides memories. But here we were, looking at a pattern we absolutely adore. It took so much self control not to buy all three pieces on the spot...because he and i looked at each other, and acknowledged that we were crazy, but we wanted something tangible to hold on to. We never ordered the crib, we never bought baby clothes. To protect ourselves in case something bad happened (which it did), we didn't buy anything that might remind us of what we lost. But in doing that, we were left with empty arms, and an empty room, and no hope of a bright future. I know that he and I want to buy the baby items now to protect us from the reminder that there might not be a baby in 2 months, but it doesn't mean it won't even happen. In protecting ourselves from hurting, we actually ended up being more hurt because we lost hope. I hope that makes sense, because while it makes sense to me, it may not to anyone else.
So we controlled ourselves, and called our moms to see if we were crazy. We were told we weren't. We then decided that one paycheck a month we are going to go out and buy one item for our next baby. We don't know when that will be, but who knows, maybe when we are done buying all these baby items we'll get the biggest surprise of all-a second chance. And the next time, I don't think he or I will try to distance ourselves from the baby, but instead embrace and enjoy everything moment we will have. Sometimes protection isn't always a good thing because you miss out on all the little moments you won't release/open your heart too.
Protection...everyone has tried so hard to protect these last 2 months. From needless worry, anxiety, stress, decision making, family issues. Our moms have been doing what moms do best--calling and checking on us daily, listening and offering advice, and when needed, arguing for us (and for them). But the kicker of the situation is that the things they are trying to protect us from now are so petty and minute compared to the loss of our son--that no one could have protected us from. My husband couldn't protect me from the procedures, from bleeding so much in the hospital, from the harsh reality that my baby bump just seemed to disappear overnight. I couldn't protect him from the fact that he doesn't get to feel his son kick, or hold his son in 2 months. Neither of us can protect each other of the hurt we feel when we walk into the nursery, and where the glider and crib should be, instead is an urn with the cremains of our son, with the only pictures we have of him on the wall. We can't protect each other from the reality that even if we try again, and are blessed with another baby, we might suffer this heartache again.
Today I have been feeling odd. Almost like I'm on the verge of a bad day. But nothing has really happened to make me feel this way. Yes, I had to go out and help him shovel again, when I mentally kept reminding myself that I should have been inside, but that doesn't matter right now. There is no baby in my uterus...I can push myself as hard as I want. Except that my body has tricked itself into thinking that I might still be carrying a child, and even though I have been exercising like crazy, and watching my diet, my body has apparently put itself into starvation mode, and I am not losing any weight at all. Nobody could have protected me from the hurt I feel about my body just not cooperating so I can fit into my old clothes. (although i love my cousin who told me i'm still skinny). There's just some things you have to muddle through because there is no short cut or easy option. Sometimes people can't protect you, as much as they want too.
So Sunday, after all of our revelations and realizations that we have to be clearer in what we need to feel safe and protected with each other (and our families), we ran to target. (Side note...my daughter was with her dad, and had to be rushed to the ER because she fell on the floor and put a deep gash in her chin...5 stitches later she was discharged and numb, and we had an afternoon out that we weren't anticipating). We picked up the normal items, and found ourselves walking right past the baby aisle to get to the registers. I have successfully avoided baby sections (hah---i was protecting myself). But I wanted to see the price of a jogger stroller---the cause of his cousin making another rift between him and her, to see really, what was the big deal. It was only $100--apparently the price to insult and hurt your cousin beyond words, and then tell him your relationship was over. He and I had no idea it was so low, and went ok. That is actually a reasonably priced object, and when we'll need it (6 months after a baby is born) we should be able to manage to buy it. But while we were in the aisle, I choose to just look at the baby items. Mario was hesitant, because he didn't want me to hurt and break down, but allowed us to wander around. See, while we never registered, or picked out a pattern for the pack and play, stroller/travel system, and high chair, we never found a new one we liked. The weekend before we found out about our baby, I had contacted several people, and had plans to purchase their used items that we liked more. I had everything lined up, all the staples plus a breast pump. We were going to pick them up the weekend before Thanksgiving. The only thing we had actually picked out was the bedding.
But the first item we saw was an Eddie Bauer highchair--the old fashioned wood looking kind--not the big plastic kind. We really liked it. We liked the cushion too. So Mario went and found the stroller system, and called me over, and we both loved it! We found the pack and play, and realized that we actually loved this pattern!
See, his cousin and I traded jogger strollers a while back--my double for her single. When we found out the baby died, I returned any baby items I had except the jogger. I just didn't need the reminders of what we had lost. But the stroller, which was needed for a 6month old or older baby, was the one piece of hope we were holding onto that maybe, maybe we would try again, and get our take home baby. It was in the garage, so we could go and glance at it, and take a deep breathe and know that maybe we would be able to move past the darkness and sadness, and try again. When his cousin demanded it back, because they needed it now, and wouldn't trade back the stroller, it struck a nerve with us. It was like they were telling us that we weren't going to ever need it again. They were assuming that because our baby died at 5 months, we weren't going to get an opportunity to try again and succeed, so they just wanted it back and didn't want to return our double stroller because they still needed it. We are sensitive, and we are allowed to be right now. But how they handled this situation was just wrong. And its something my husband won't get over anytime soon. We did end up deciding that it was better for us as a couple, and future parents, to just give them the damn stroller, and buy a new one with no negativity attached to it (or those who were not wishing us well).
Anyway, back to Target. We now have no baby stuff, nothing. I felt hopeless-I had nothing to cling too besides memories. But here we were, looking at a pattern we absolutely adore. It took so much self control not to buy all three pieces on the spot...because he and i looked at each other, and acknowledged that we were crazy, but we wanted something tangible to hold on to. We never ordered the crib, we never bought baby clothes. To protect ourselves in case something bad happened (which it did), we didn't buy anything that might remind us of what we lost. But in doing that, we were left with empty arms, and an empty room, and no hope of a bright future. I know that he and I want to buy the baby items now to protect us from the reminder that there might not be a baby in 2 months, but it doesn't mean it won't even happen. In protecting ourselves from hurting, we actually ended up being more hurt because we lost hope. I hope that makes sense, because while it makes sense to me, it may not to anyone else.
So we controlled ourselves, and called our moms to see if we were crazy. We were told we weren't. We then decided that one paycheck a month we are going to go out and buy one item for our next baby. We don't know when that will be, but who knows, maybe when we are done buying all these baby items we'll get the biggest surprise of all-a second chance. And the next time, I don't think he or I will try to distance ourselves from the baby, but instead embrace and enjoy everything moment we will have. Sometimes protection isn't always a good thing because you miss out on all the little moments you won't release/open your heart too.
Day 3: My First Love ( a day later)
Due to my grandmother fracturing her tibia in 3 places and have surgery yesterday to put a plate and pins in to stabilize it, during a winter storm, I was not able to post yesterday.
But this is short and brief....Huey Lewis. I loved "The Power of Love" when I first saw him perform in it Back To The Future. I had to be 5 or 6 or 7. I remember wanting to go see him in a concert. Yup, my first love (well, techinically it should be he-man, but I am only including real people, not cartoons)!
But this is short and brief....Huey Lewis. I loved "The Power of Love" when I first saw him perform in it Back To The Future. I had to be 5 or 6 or 7. I remember wanting to go see him in a concert. Yup, my first love (well, techinically it should be he-man, but I am only including real people, not cartoons)!
Monday, January 10, 2011
Day 2: My Blog Name
It actually is quite simple. The first summer I spent with my two daughters I wasn't working, and Faith Hill came out with her song "Fireflies". That song reflected so much of what was in my heart to teach to my daughters...especially in light of my failing marriage. So during and after the separation/ divorce, that song was always my song with my girls. The numbers, 0306, are their birth years respectively (2003, 2006). I've had that screen name/ email name for almost 5 years.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Day 1: 15 Interesting Facts
Now, 15 interesting facts about me....
1) I am a true Jersey girl. I was born and lived for the first 10 years in North Jersey. Then my family moved to South Jersey to a city called Vineland (known at the time for growing eggplants). When I went to college, I went back up north to Morristown, and commuted for 3 years to Princeton for a internship. After college my first husband and I settled in East Windsor (Central Jersey), only to move back down south 3 years later.
2) I love dolphins--always have, always will. One of my "bucket list" things was to swim with dolphins, which I finally got to do on my honeymoon last year!
3) I live in a town that is 1 sq mile. Literally, it is 3 streets wide. If I was motivated I could walk to the grocery store, the deli, my oldest daughter's school, and the hospital!
4) My ideal vacation is to go to a beach, sit in a chair and read a book, while my girls play in the sand and water and my husband builds sand sculptures
5) I am a dog person, not a cat person. I have a black lab/newfoundland/ shepard (we think) mix who is 2 years old.
6) I was raised catholic, went to catholic school, but then became a born again christian in my pre-teens. I was extremely bible-thumper christian, and my mission was to save everyone who wasn't christian. Boy, have I changed my views since then. I'm still Christian, but after seeing hypocrisy from too many congregations when my family (or other families) were hurting, I re-evaluated my faith, and my religion, and went back to my roots of Catholicism.
7) I was a medicinal chemist, and worked on making drugs to help with schizophrenia and depression, as well as cancer drugs. I worked at Bristol Myers Squibb as an intern, and for Wyeth Pharmaceuticals (bought out 2 years ago) for 2 or 3 years. I love chemistry.
8) When I was first married and wanted to start a family I realized my career as a chemist wasn't family friendly, and I wasn't happy in that job. So while praying and thinking, I realized I loved teaching---I had been an education major for 1 year in college, and loved every minute of it. So, I contacted my former advisor, and asked about getting my certification. This is my 8th year as a science teacher in NJ. And I love seeing the students' faces every day!
9) If I had known I would become a teacher, I probably would have been a history major instead of a chemistry major. I love history, and read every historical fiction novel I can get my hands on!
10) When I graduated high school, I was going to be a missionary doctor, and be an orthopedic surgeon--haha! All that changed during my first semester of college
11) I have two little girls, one of them looks like my dad's side (blonde and fair), and the other looks like my mom's side (dark curly hair, olive skin, very italian looking)
12) I met my husband while working at the same high school. I was dealing with my marriage that had ended, and he was just starting out and had his own relationship issues. We became friends and figured it was safe because neither one was what we were looking for. I needed time alone, and he wanted a young fresh chick and no kids ;-) he liked his peace and quiet...4 years later, peace and quiet doesn't describe our family at all!
13) I used to play the piano, and wish that I had room to put a piano in our home so that I could play to help me release stress!
14) When I was younger I went to Camp Deer Run on Lake Winnipesaukee in NH. Those were some of the best memories in my teenage summers!)
15) I am a talker and I don't shut up. Well, I did before. Now, while you can't tell from the blog, I don't say much. There's not much to comment on anymore.
Blog Challenge
I stole this blog challenge from two blogs that I follow. After reading their posts, I realize that while I started this blog to sort out my emotions, share my story and also help other people cope (with their own loss, or how to comfort those around them who have suffered a loss), it also has to be a process of finding the new me. As I stated in my last post, I am not the same me that I was 7 weeks ago, and I know I won't be the same. So maybe this challenge will help me start to know me again!
Day 1-Introduce, recent picture, 15 interesting facts
Day 2-Meaning behind your blog name
Day 3-Your first love
Day 4-Your parents
Day 5-Your siblings
Day 6-A picture of something that makes you happy
Day 7-Favorite movies
Day 8-A place you've traveled to
Day 9-A picture of your friends
Day 10-Something you're afraid of
Day 11-Favorite TV shows
Day 12-What you believe
Day 13-Goals
Day 14-A picture you love
Day 15-Bible verse
Day 16-Dream house
Day 17-Something you're looking forward to
Day 18-Something you regret
Day 19-Something you miss
Day 20-Nicknames
Day 21-Picture of yourself
Day 22-Favorite city
Day 23-Favorite vacation
Day 24-Something you've learned
Day 25-Put your iPod on shuffle, first 10 songs
Day 26-Picture of your family
Day 27-Pets
Day 28-Something that stresses you out
Day 29-3 Wishes
Day 30-a picture
Day 1-Introduce, recent picture, 15 interesting facts
Day 2-Meaning behind your blog name
Day 3-Your first love
Day 4-Your parents
Day 5-Your siblings
Day 6-A picture of something that makes you happy
Day 7-Favorite movies
Day 8-A place you've traveled to
Day 9-A picture of your friends
Day 10-Something you're afraid of
Day 11-Favorite TV shows
Day 12-What you believe
Day 13-Goals
Day 14-A picture you love
Day 15-Bible verse
Day 16-Dream house
Day 17-Something you're looking forward to
Day 18-Something you regret
Day 19-Something you miss
Day 20-Nicknames
Day 21-Picture of yourself
Day 22-Favorite city
Day 23-Favorite vacation
Day 24-Something you've learned
Day 25-Put your iPod on shuffle, first 10 songs
Day 26-Picture of your family
Day 27-Pets
Day 28-Something that stresses you out
Day 29-3 Wishes
Day 30-a picture
Friday, January 7, 2011
Everything Has Changed
So, Barenaked Ladies has a song with the title "Everything Has Changed" where the chorus repeats "Everything has changed, everything is strange". While the whole song doesn't apply to our loss, the chorus has been repeating in my head since a falling out with my husband's cousins last night. We were forced to take a look at the people that are surrounding us in this time of darkness and sadness. And those that disappointed us, and avoided us in the last 7 weeks-almost like we had the plague, or that we carried the virus of "baby loss". Someone posted on one of the message boards a question pertaining to how were we before all of our losses? This got me thinking...how was I before we saw Robert so still on the ultrasound screen? How did Mario and I just be able to lay next to each other in the morning and relax, and listen to the radio before having to get up? What has happened to that "carefree" (i use that loosely with us, we are a very excitable couple) thought process that he and I had? What happened to me? Work is no longer a priority--relationships with other people and students are. And if there is something going on at my daughter's school--you'd better believe i'm using my personal time! the students will survive without me. If a co-worker is having a bad day---or sharing-- and the bell rings, the kids can wait an extra second so i can give that hug too. If someone does something to offend me, I am sure of a heck a lot quicker to call them out on it. And those friends that ignore us, don't call or text us, well, screw them. We have learned through all this who are support system is. And its not who we expected. While we have a strong core family, my in laws have been amazing. my mom--(and she knows this is true)--and i have never been closer--for 31 years i finally have the relationship that i've always wanted with her (no psychologist would have said this would have helped!), my friends (some i met b/c they are parents of my daughter's friends, some have been my friends for years, and people i work with) are so thoughtful, and i've shared things with them that some of my former close friends never knew. I am not that same person I used to be. There is an underlying anger in me that is quick to come out. There is an intolerance for those family and friends who have "banished" us, who dare approach us inappropriately about things that just don't matter before asking us how we are. (they know who they are). There is an air of I just don't care about certain things anymore because its not important. I'm not the same wife I was when we were married. Our cuddle time now involves a crying session and talking it out. It is bittersweet, but hey, its how we are working it out between us. I am a different mother than I was before. While I now recognize the need for "me time" (exercising so I don't flip out at inappropriate times), I am quicker to play a game with my girls even if it means extending bedtime by 10 minutes. I am also quicker to discipline (hence emily getting coal on christmas), and have a higher expectation of the girls to love each other and be kind...for all they know, they're all they have! I've even changed as a teacher, as a friend, as a daughter in law. Emily now goes to the preschool in my school...having her there makes my day a little brighter because I know that by 3:00, I get to get a huge hug and a smile...and walk out of the building with her chatting away. In the morning I get to hold her hand as I walk her to her classroom. Its the little things that mean the most now.
I can't imagine what my life was like before--its odd. You normally have this thought after you take your baby home from the hospital--what was life like before him or her? But there's no baby...but i still have those thoughts. my life has changed forever. mario's life has changed forever. how did he and i use to just relax on a friday night, without having to cry, hug and talk about what bothered us today (not work related either!)? How did I go into Target without having to avoid the baby section? Its only been 7 weeks, but i dont remember how I was before. A co-worker/ friend told me today that I'm not the same that I was...and I'm not supposed to be. That surprised me--I thought I was acting as much like my old self as possible--but apparently I don't remember my old self that well.
We are so fortunate to be surrounded by family and friends that are helping us accept this new reality, and offer us their understanding and patience as we grieve. I just wish I could remember or find that little bit of the "old Stacey" that was here 7 weeks ago. but she might be gone. And what's left is a stronger version of me, a little bit sadder, more compassionate, and definitely not afraid to speak up and say what I need or how I feel. Like the chorus goes "everything has changed, everything is strange".
Robbie--I guess its a good thing that life will never go back to the way it was--you impacted our life so much for the brief time you were with us. Please keep watching over us and have fun with your friends! Love Mommy
I can't imagine what my life was like before--its odd. You normally have this thought after you take your baby home from the hospital--what was life like before him or her? But there's no baby...but i still have those thoughts. my life has changed forever. mario's life has changed forever. how did he and i use to just relax on a friday night, without having to cry, hug and talk about what bothered us today (not work related either!)? How did I go into Target without having to avoid the baby section? Its only been 7 weeks, but i dont remember how I was before. A co-worker/ friend told me today that I'm not the same that I was...and I'm not supposed to be. That surprised me--I thought I was acting as much like my old self as possible--but apparently I don't remember my old self that well.
We are so fortunate to be surrounded by family and friends that are helping us accept this new reality, and offer us their understanding and patience as we grieve. I just wish I could remember or find that little bit of the "old Stacey" that was here 7 weeks ago. but she might be gone. And what's left is a stronger version of me, a little bit sadder, more compassionate, and definitely not afraid to speak up and say what I need or how I feel. Like the chorus goes "everything has changed, everything is strange".
Robbie--I guess its a good thing that life will never go back to the way it was--you impacted our life so much for the brief time you were with us. Please keep watching over us and have fun with your friends! Love Mommy
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