Thank you Picture People

I came home yesterday to a coupon from Picture People to start recording those memories right when we take our baby home from the hospital.  I've been fortunate because my husband has been hiding all the diaper and formula information and samples that come our way.  But of course, I get this one.
I don't think it mattered how much I read and sympathized with those who had EDD of angel babies.  I wasn't prepared in the least for the onslaught of emotions I had, starting with my dreams last night.  Last night when I went to bed, I wasn't looking forward to the morning, but I thought I'd handle it ok.  I mean, I'm not crying as often as I used too.  My heart still aches, but it is becoming bearable.
But last night, throughout the night I had disjointed dreams.  All centered around me, my husband, doctors, Robbie, and our Rango.  They were odd, short, and disturbing.  I would wake up crying, shaking, or just had a bad feeling I couldn't shake.  By the time the alarm sounded at 5:30, I was more exhausted than when I went to bed, and I know I had slept!  One dream in particular had me and Mario at my Ob/Gyn's office, and they wanted to do a new test on the baby (Rango), called the Luteal Phase test.  Not to get graphic but it was like I picture a d & e, without any blood.  In the dream they told me it was to ensure that the new baby was safe and not sick.  I'm sure part was imagination, but I think my subconscious was on over drive.  Like when my body refused to let me lose the baby weight because it thought I was still pregnant, I think my subconscious knew that today I should have been giving birth (granted via c-section).  I don't know.
But between 5:30 and 6:30 I couldn't move.  I was crying, and my husband was doing everything he could to console me.  I knew I was going to be late to work, but I couldn't will myself to move, or stop getting upset.  I called work at 6:50 to let them know I needed homeroom coverage, and I allowed myself time to get ready and stop for moments of crying.  To say today was difficult is an understatement.  I still don't know how I made it the entire day without leaving.
It felt like a scab had been ripped off, and I was raw with emotions again.  Any little thing triggered tears.  I tried to keep busy but there were moments of calm and quiet that unfortunately started my thoughts of how Robbie should be here, in my arms.  By the end of the day, after many hugs and co-workers (and some students) checking on me, I survived.  I made it home.
I know this is just another milestone, and this year will be filled with them.  I just miss my son so much, and wish I could have seen him, see what he looked like, and held him, even for just a moment.
Robbie I love you so much, and I know you are watching over us.  While today is really not your birthday, it was the date we had marked on our calendars that we were going to meet you.  I can't wait to meet you in heaven.  But for now, have fun with Daddy's grandparents and my Poppop--I'm sure they can tell you about us!  Your sisters miss you too!  Love, Mommy