I came home yesterday to a coupon from Picture People to start recording those memories right when we take our baby home from the hospital. I've been fortunate because my husband has been hiding all the diaper and formula information and samples that come our way. But of course, I get this one.
I don't think it mattered how much I read and sympathized with those who had EDD of angel babies. I wasn't prepared in the least for the onslaught of emotions I had, starting with my dreams last night. Last night when I went to bed, I wasn't looking forward to the morning, but I thought I'd handle it ok. I mean, I'm not crying as often as I used too. My heart still aches, but it is becoming bearable.
But last night, throughout the night I had disjointed dreams. All centered around me, my husband, doctors, Robbie, and our Rango. They were odd, short, and disturbing. I would wake up crying, shaking, or just had a bad feeling I couldn't shake. By the time the alarm sounded at 5:30, I was more exhausted than when I went to bed, and I know I had slept! One dream in particular had me and Mario at my Ob/Gyn's office, and they wanted to do a new test on the baby (Rango), called the Luteal Phase test. Not to get graphic but it was like I picture a d & e, without any blood. In the dream they told me it was to ensure that the new baby was safe and not sick. I'm sure part was imagination, but I think my subconscious was on over drive. Like when my body refused to let me lose the baby weight because it thought I was still pregnant, I think my subconscious knew that today I should have been giving birth (granted via c-section). I don't know.
But between 5:30 and 6:30 I couldn't move. I was crying, and my husband was doing everything he could to console me. I knew I was going to be late to work, but I couldn't will myself to move, or stop getting upset. I called work at 6:50 to let them know I needed homeroom coverage, and I allowed myself time to get ready and stop for moments of crying. To say today was difficult is an understatement. I still don't know how I made it the entire day without leaving.
It felt like a scab had been ripped off, and I was raw with emotions again. Any little thing triggered tears. I tried to keep busy but there were moments of calm and quiet that unfortunately started my thoughts of how Robbie should be here, in my arms. By the end of the day, after many hugs and co-workers (and some students) checking on me, I survived. I made it home.
I know this is just another milestone, and this year will be filled with them. I just miss my son so much, and wish I could have seen him, see what he looked like, and held him, even for just a moment.
Robbie I love you so much, and I know you are watching over us. While today is really not your birthday, it was the date we had marked on our calendars that we were going to meet you. I can't wait to meet you in heaven. But for now, have fun with Daddy's grandparents and my Poppop--I'm sure they can tell you about us! Your sisters miss you too! Love, Mommy
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Apparently I have lost all track of dates!
My apologies (but at the same time I guess a date is just a date)....the 22nd is Tuesday, not Monday....i guess i'm just anxious about it, and while I don't want it to be over, I want it to get here....
Saturday, March 19, 2011
What I Should Be Doing....
As I was getting agitated at my supervisor in an impromptu meeting on Thursday it dawned on me that Thursday would have be, in most likelihood, my last day of work before maternity leave. So while I listened to help demonstrate a lesson on "being able to walk through a hole in a piece of paper), inside I wanted to just scream. But I didn't. I walked out, and went to class and taught my freshmen as if nothing was wrong. Yesterday I should have been at the hospital doing all of my pre-op work, then running around doing little things to get the nursery ready. Instead, I went to work (thank God I do love my job), then came home to meet the exterminator about our ant problem. Today we went out and ran errands, one of which was trying to return the stroller system that arrived damaged from Target.
I know I wanted to originally do something special on the due date (I was torn b/c while the due date was the 28th, the c-section was scheduled for the 22nd). But the more I thought about it the more I realized that the due date meant nothing except past hopes and dreams. And it was best for us to just continue to move on and heal.
But that doesn't make this weekend any easier. I am dreading Monday will all my heart. And I'm not sure, except for my blogging followers, that anyone else realizes how much my heart hurts right now, and how big of a day this is. I know there is so much to look forward too, but its hard to just forget what was supposed to be.
Robbie, I miss you so much and really wish that we could meet you on Monday. I love you! Mommy
I know I wanted to originally do something special on the due date (I was torn b/c while the due date was the 28th, the c-section was scheduled for the 22nd). But the more I thought about it the more I realized that the due date meant nothing except past hopes and dreams. And it was best for us to just continue to move on and heal.
But that doesn't make this weekend any easier. I am dreading Monday will all my heart. And I'm not sure, except for my blogging followers, that anyone else realizes how much my heart hurts right now, and how big of a day this is. I know there is so much to look forward too, but its hard to just forget what was supposed to be.
Robbie, I miss you so much and really wish that we could meet you on Monday. I love you! Mommy
Sunday, March 13, 2011
4 months
I was at a bridal shower today, and it dawned on me that not only has it been 4 months since our little boy's demise, but next Monday was my scheduled c-section. It was a happy, fun shower for a dear friend (well, friend of my husband's since high school, and i've gotten to know her too). and i hated the fact that one comment was made at the table i was sitting at, and it had my mind just swirling with emotions.
On the way home I listened to Pearl Jam, and the song "Just Breathe" came on. Its funny how things have taken on new meaning. I could have sworn 4 months and 1 day ago I took this song one way, but today as I listened to it, it spoke to me and my tears.
On the way home I listened to Pearl Jam, and the song "Just Breathe" came on. Its funny how things have taken on new meaning. I could have sworn 4 months and 1 day ago I took this song one way, but today as I listened to it, it spoke to me and my tears.
"Yes I understand that every life must end, aw huh,..
As we sit alone, I know someday we must go, aw huh,..
I’m a lucky man to count on both hands
The ones I love,..
As we sit alone, I know someday we must go, aw huh,..
I’m a lucky man to count on both hands
The ones I love,..
Some folks just have one,
Others they got none, aw huh,..
Others they got none, aw huh,..
Stay with me,..
Let’s just breathe.
Let’s just breathe.
Practiced are my sins,
Never gonna let me win, aw huh,..
Under everything, just another human being, aw huh,..
Yeh, I don’t wanna hurt, there’s so much in this world
To make me bleed.
Never gonna let me win, aw huh,..
Under everything, just another human being, aw huh,..
Yeh, I don’t wanna hurt, there’s so much in this world
To make me bleed.
Stay with me,..
You’re all I see.
You’re all I see.
Did I say that I need you?
Did I say that I want you?
Oh, if I didn’t now I’m a fool you see,..
No one knows this more than me.
As I come clean.
Did I say that I want you?
Oh, if I didn’t now I’m a fool you see,..
No one knows this more than me.
As I come clean.
I wonder everyday
as I look upon your face, aw huh,..
Everything you gave
And nothing you would take, aw huh,..
Nothing you would take,..
Everything you gave.
as I look upon your face, aw huh,..
Everything you gave
And nothing you would take, aw huh,..
Nothing you would take,..
Everything you gave.
Did I say that I need you?
Oh, Did I say that I want you?
Oh, if I didn’t now I’m a fool you see,..
No one know this more than me.
As I come clean.
Oh, Did I say that I want you?
Oh, if I didn’t now I’m a fool you see,..
No one know this more than me.
As I come clean.
Nothing you would take,..
everything you gave.
Hold me till I die,..
Meet you on the other side."
everything you gave.
Hold me till I die,..
Meet you on the other side."
There's no more words for today...I'm sure i'm entering into a very difficult week.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Remembering Robbie
Of course Robbie has been on my mind a lot lately. The fact that he would have been joining us in just 21 short days. That while I've been through morning sickness already and didn't have my baby to take home, I get to go through it again, during what I know will be one of my roughest months ever. I've already decided that this blog is dedicated to the memory of my son, and to chart my walk while I learn to live with my grief. Maybe our little firefly will have a blog. But I will only mention my pregnancy as it pertains to my healing, and adjusting to the fact that my little boy won't be coming home with us on March 22nd (the scheduled c-section date).
I've spoken with my mom, my husband, and two friends about my dilemma about taking a personal day on Robbie's due date. I felt very conflicted. On one hand, I don't want to minimize our loss, and ignore the fact that that date (well, a date around it) would be his birthday. But on the other I can rationalize that like so many other mothers (I think of mom's with preemies), sometimes our little ones don't make it to their due date. Our babies chose their own birthdate. And Robbie has his. Not in the way we thought, or imagined. But the dates November 14th, November 17th and November 24th will always be the dates associated with our son. Not March 22nd or 28th. So while we will do something on that day, I don't think staying at home, reflecting on what should have been, is healthy or necessary. Nor does my son want me getting myself upset. So I'm not having a baby in March. I'm not 8 months pregnant. But I will be 8 months pregnant someday. I can look forward to the future. The past is the past, and its not what I wanted. But I also can't live in the past, of the "what should have been".
When my assistant superintendent and I spoke this week I mentioned this to her, and she told me how mature that was, and how far I've obviously come in my healing. But also knew that I was still going through a process, and this was just one step in a series of steps. But she acknowledged my son, and that he did exist. For someone out side of the family to acknowledge this was so touching.
I know my family will never forget Robbie--he is a part of our family, our story. Today I was talking with a co-worker about women who had 3 girls, and wanted just 1 boy, and when it was a 4th girl, they were devastated, and really neglected their daughter because she was the wrong sex. And we chatted about how people should just be grateful for a healthy child. And I mentioned how in my family, for the last 3 generations, we only had girls naturally. So something is obviously in our gene pool that chooses that x-chromosome sperm over the y-chromosome sperm...something about acidity. But she stopped me and said "But you had a boy. You had Robbie." I was stunned. I mean, I knew I had a boy. But I never thought of it like that. And that a non-family member not only reminded me, but called him by name...I was speechless.
It touched me that while I know I talk about all 3 of my children, other people are acknowledging Robbie as my boy, not just as a taboo subject (if we don't mention him then maybe she won't talk about him).
It does help me to know going into the next 22 days that while I know I will never forget my son, neither will those around me! And it doesn't matter how I choose to formally remember him. The fact that people talk about him means that he won't be forgotten!
I've spoken with my mom, my husband, and two friends about my dilemma about taking a personal day on Robbie's due date. I felt very conflicted. On one hand, I don't want to minimize our loss, and ignore the fact that that date (well, a date around it) would be his birthday. But on the other I can rationalize that like so many other mothers (I think of mom's with preemies), sometimes our little ones don't make it to their due date. Our babies chose their own birthdate. And Robbie has his. Not in the way we thought, or imagined. But the dates November 14th, November 17th and November 24th will always be the dates associated with our son. Not March 22nd or 28th. So while we will do something on that day, I don't think staying at home, reflecting on what should have been, is healthy or necessary. Nor does my son want me getting myself upset. So I'm not having a baby in March. I'm not 8 months pregnant. But I will be 8 months pregnant someday. I can look forward to the future. The past is the past, and its not what I wanted. But I also can't live in the past, of the "what should have been".
When my assistant superintendent and I spoke this week I mentioned this to her, and she told me how mature that was, and how far I've obviously come in my healing. But also knew that I was still going through a process, and this was just one step in a series of steps. But she acknowledged my son, and that he did exist. For someone out side of the family to acknowledge this was so touching.
I know my family will never forget Robbie--he is a part of our family, our story. Today I was talking with a co-worker about women who had 3 girls, and wanted just 1 boy, and when it was a 4th girl, they were devastated, and really neglected their daughter because she was the wrong sex. And we chatted about how people should just be grateful for a healthy child. And I mentioned how in my family, for the last 3 generations, we only had girls naturally. So something is obviously in our gene pool that chooses that x-chromosome sperm over the y-chromosome sperm...something about acidity. But she stopped me and said "But you had a boy. You had Robbie." I was stunned. I mean, I knew I had a boy. But I never thought of it like that. And that a non-family member not only reminded me, but called him by name...I was speechless.
It touched me that while I know I talk about all 3 of my children, other people are acknowledging Robbie as my boy, not just as a taboo subject (if we don't mention him then maybe she won't talk about him).
It does help me to know going into the next 22 days that while I know I will never forget my son, neither will those around me! And it doesn't matter how I choose to formally remember him. The fact that people talk about him means that he won't be forgotten!
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