It feels like not only has a scab been removed, but cut open and cut deeper.  I thought after Robbie died my heart couldn't shatter anymore.  I thought I couldn't hurt that badly once the scab began to heal.  But I was wrong.  Now I am mourning two sons, not just one.  And all the while I compare myself to where I was this time with Robbie (weight wise, emotional wise, how capable I was of leaving the house at certain days after the d & e).  And I feel guilt because I feel like this new hurt about Rango is overshadowing the grief for Robbie that is still present.  That while I want either, (preferably both) of my boys with me, I know that Robbie didn't come back, and neither will Rango.
This pain, this grief is indescribable.  There aren't words to express what I am thinking or feeling.

Take care of your brother

Dear Robbie,
Today you met your little brother, Rango.  I hope you two don't fight like your older sisters!  Please play with him, and be nice to him.  You two are both very special to me, and my heart is broken that I will never be able to hold either of you.  But I am glad that you two will have each other.  I hope that one day I will be able to play with you two finally, but for now, get to know each other and love each other.  Know that your mommy and daddy and all of your great big family love you and miss you!  We would give anything to have you with us and your sisters.
You will both always be my little boys.  I love you Robbie!  Give your brother a hug and a kiss everyday from me.
Love,
Mommy

This is my 4th pregnancy

At a wedding Friday night, several people came up and asked me when I was due.  Which was followed by was this my first pregnancy/child.  To be honest, while I knew this question would get asked, I wasn't prepared to answer it completely.  I knew, and have been answering that this is my 4th pregnancy, and I have two little girls at home.  A few people gave me an odd look, as I could see they were crunching the numbers in their heads.  2 girls at one, one due in October, there was 1 child missing.
But lucky for me my husband was right next to me, and while I had decided 1) it wasn't anybody's business about our third child 2) it was a happy occasion, and I would not be the downer in the guest list, my husband wasn't bashful at all.  In fact, it was the first time I've ever seen him initiate Robbie's story.  To anyone.  I was so touched, and so emotional, at how he talked about Robbie and what happened, and answered the questions as guests asked (to be fair, they were strangers to me, but they knew my husband).
The next day, as I reflected on this, my husband wanted to go to the cemetery where we planted the tree for Robbie, to make sure it was doing okay.  It was too much for me emotionally to handle.  I was in tears as we drove through the cemetery, knowing how much my husband loves his soon Robbie, and how much we miss him.  We are looking forward to Rango, and already love him so much.  But to know that Robbie is so close to us every day, and that neither one of us will forget him, is so bittersweet and heartwrenching.
And for the first time I realized how much not just I have changed, but how he has changed as well, and how our marriage has grown.  I was forced to finally look outside of how this affected me, to how it affected my husband, and how we interact.  And seeing him talk about Robbie and initiate going to the cemetery made me realize how grateful I am for such an amazing husband.  He didn't shut me out, when he could have.  We grieve together (because I don't think we'll ever stop grieving for what should have been), we celebrate together, and we remember together.