Time

It's been three months since we said goodbye to our little boy.  He grew his wings on a Sunday, and we found out that following Wednesday. So where the actual "3 month" mark is, I'm not sure.  In my memory, those days all blurred together, like some bad dream.
3 months ago our world fell apart, the carpet ripped out from under us.  It was dark, and bleak.  I don't remember hours, or days, just stretches of time.  Albert Einstein said that time slows down as we approach the speed of light (quantum physics), but honestly, time halted for us during the first two months.  Each day was marked by milestones and tv shows and mealtimes when we had the girls.  I don't remember looking at a clock, or caring what time it was.  I still don't pay attention to time as much as I used to.  Its just not important anymore.  What's important is spending the time doing quality things.  Instead of scheduling something so that we had to be someplace at a certain time, now I'll get there when we get there.  Bedtime has been flexible to whatever we are doing as a family.
I know my mantra especially in those first few weeks, and still today, is taking it day by day.  I don't know what tomorrow will be, or what will happen.  I know what is happening now, and what we might want to do later.
When you plan for a baby you look forward to the 9 months of carrying that baby.  You know the timing, up the day when you are going to meet your little one for the first time.  We were cheated of that.  Instead of looking forward to March 28th, and getting to deliver and hold our son, we are planning a memorial service locally for him.  I have already taken the day off of work.  But nothing is planned because you just don't know what is going to happen between now and then.  Nothing is guaranteed.  I just know that I am setting aside that day to remember my son, and mourn the fact that while I won't be meeting him on that particular day that we had been counting down to, I know that someday I will be meeting him.  But there's no set time.
Time seems to have gone on for the rest of the world.  In the last three months, we have friends getting married, friends who have little ones growing and making milestones.  We have our girls who have their own lives they are living.  Allie made Student of the Month, and Emily just had her fifth birthday.  I know the world continues to move on, but in my mind, everything is in slow motion.  Time seems to have slowed down.
I am also reflecting on the differences in me from the first 2 months, and this last month.  I know I am making progress in healing.  I know that we are moving on too, although never forgetting our little Robbie.  The first two months I could barely function outside of my own head and emotions.  Lately, I've been making my own lessons at school again.  I feel my energy is back in the classroom, and the kids are seeing a difference as well.  I had my daughter's party yesterday, and while there were siblings there around 1-2 years old, I didn't break down and cry.  I was amazed at how cute and small they are, and almost in my grief I had forgotten all the joys of motherhood in those first few years.  But I know that I want to still have that chance again, to change diapers, and hear them giggle, and cry, and try to be independent and be a big kid when they are still so young and dependent!
Time is a funny thing.  For most of my life time just flew by, and I just moved from one thing to another.  After Robbie, I am learning that time is really meaningless in hours and days.  Time is valuable when you use it to spend with the ones you love, with no time restraints!
The last three months have felt like an endless eternity.  I have been existing in a fog, and only now is the fog beginning to lift.  And this fog has distorted my sense of time.  My family has a lot to look forward too, and while it hurts so much that Robbie won't be with us physically to share it, I know he is looking out for us, and in a blink of an eye we will be with him, and sharing stories and memories!  And time won't matter in the least!!
Robbie--I love you so much.  Even though my heart aches to hold you, and feel you kick, I know you are watching over all of us.  Your sister even writes in her diary about you.  I know she misses you too.  I know your dad thinks its silly, but our song always plays at the times I need to know you are ok, and still with me.  And I know its your way of letting me know you are watching over us all.  Please watch over your little brother or sister---and let them know how much we love you, and how much they are loved too!  But let him/her know who you are so that they can tell us a little about you, maybe, one day.  Love Mommy

Pictures

So I was browsing through pictures from this summer, without realizing the memories they would stir up.  But its bittersweet.  I want to share some with you.  These were mostly all taken during a road trip Mario and I took from Flanders, NJ to Niagara Falls (Canada side) to Hershey Park.

 This is me and Mario watching the hot air balloon festival with our friends Michelle and Mike.  I was about 7-8 weeks pregnant.

 Me and my college friend Michelle (pregnant with her son Drew)

 Having dinner in Niagara Falls, the first night.  My husband thought this was my baby bump, because my tummy had always been firm and flat.

 In Niagara Falls, 7-8 weeks pregnant.

 Our Summer of 2010 road trip

 On the maid of the mist in Niagara Falls.

 Yup, that's Mario, in the front of the roller coaster.  Since I was pregnant, I was told "absolutely no rides" by my doctor.  We planned this trip before we were pregnant, but I still wanted Mario to have some fun!  So I was the photographer, and he got to ride the rides!

 I wanted ice cream, so we went to the Hershey Studio place where you make your own sundae.  It was cute, but over priced.  This is how Mario got creative.

 Yup, bittersweet.  You can't tell me we weren't excited.

 My lovely baby bump--I took these to send to my mom because I thought I was too big for how far along I was.  It turns out, except for the professional bump shots I had taken (and still need to get), these are the only bump pics I have.  Next time I'll be taking more!  Really, these are my only shots of Robbie...

Little Triggers

I know I haven't blogged for a while, but I've been so tired at night, and have had so much going on during the day.  I guess its good that i'm super busy, it keeps the days going by faster, and I'm sleeping through the night in a deep sleep.
But last night I started teasing my husband about what plans was he making for my birthday.  See, for the last 4 years that we've been together, he has forgotten my birthday every year, and I ended up making plans for myself.  So a little background (and know that I love my husband very much, but his track record with planning birthdays is not great!):
The first year I was fortunate and had 2 great girlfriends who took me to AC for a night, and we had a very expensive, very tasty dessert, then dinner hours later!
The second year we were supposed to go to Sea Isle and stay in a friend's house for a weekend (us and the girls)...which I organized.  But then I received an offer on my house, and stayed home that Friday we were supposed to leave to go down to the shore to pack up the dining room.  My girls were acting up, and unpacking everything I had packed.  Plus the weather was cold and miserable, so I cancelled it.  The next day I decided "let's still go to ocean city and get some mack and manco's"...in the rain and wind.  My oldest decided to have a temper tantrum in the pizza shop, and we went home, with no pizza and chilled to the bone.  Happy birthday to me.
The 3rd year was my 30th birthday--I had been hinting at it for weeks, and while I didn't want anything big, I did want it acknowledged.  He made no plans.  Nothing, nada.  The day before I turned the big "30" I learned he honestly didn't make any plans.  So I called up some friends and we went to PF Chang's for dinner--just 5 of us.  But I had to make the plans.
Then there was last year, the 4th year.  I guilted him all year about dropping the ball on my 30th birthday, hoping something would spur him on.  But, apparently not.  I had to make last minute plans with dear friends to go out to dinner.  Unfortunately (or fortunately for Mario), that was the night an hour before our friends were due to arrive we learned our basement started to flood.  Therefore, we spent the whole night and into the next morning getting rugs and carpets and toys out of the basement and upstairs.  Fun (well, at least memorable).
So onto the present...we were excited because I would be 9 months pregnant, weeks away from having our son, and celebrating our life.  See, I was foolish enough to think that me saying I wanted to have my third child by the time I was 32 meant the universe would listen.  But our plans are meaningless.
Last night I was teasing him about our plans for my birthday this year, only to learn that he hasn't even thought about it, or planned anything, again!  Not even dinner out.  And i'm giving him 5 weeks notice!!
So as I was teasing him, suddenly the tears began to fall, and next thing we knew I was in a heap on the floor, a mess of sobs, snot, and cries.  I was supposed to be planning my maternity leave.  I was supposed to be waddling around with a cute (while large) belly, knowing that my little boy would be greeting us in a short amount of time.  I was supposed to be celebrating my birthday, not being sad about the path my life had taken.
It just sucks.  Here I was moving along, actually doing quite well (yes, pat myself on the back), taking everything in stride and day by day (which my friends and family know is not me at all).  And one little thing just set me off.
I know March is going to be a difficult month, just like next November and December when the anniversaries come around.  I thought though I would have January and February to prepare myself.  I wasn't prepared for the onslaught of emotion that hit me just trying to plan something as innocent as my birthday.
I can just hope that my 32nd year will be better than my 31st!