Time

It's been three months since we said goodbye to our little boy.  He grew his wings on a Sunday, and we found out that following Wednesday. So where the actual "3 month" mark is, I'm not sure.  In my memory, those days all blurred together, like some bad dream.
3 months ago our world fell apart, the carpet ripped out from under us.  It was dark, and bleak.  I don't remember hours, or days, just stretches of time.  Albert Einstein said that time slows down as we approach the speed of light (quantum physics), but honestly, time halted for us during the first two months.  Each day was marked by milestones and tv shows and mealtimes when we had the girls.  I don't remember looking at a clock, or caring what time it was.  I still don't pay attention to time as much as I used to.  Its just not important anymore.  What's important is spending the time doing quality things.  Instead of scheduling something so that we had to be someplace at a certain time, now I'll get there when we get there.  Bedtime has been flexible to whatever we are doing as a family.
I know my mantra especially in those first few weeks, and still today, is taking it day by day.  I don't know what tomorrow will be, or what will happen.  I know what is happening now, and what we might want to do later.
When you plan for a baby you look forward to the 9 months of carrying that baby.  You know the timing, up the day when you are going to meet your little one for the first time.  We were cheated of that.  Instead of looking forward to March 28th, and getting to deliver and hold our son, we are planning a memorial service locally for him.  I have already taken the day off of work.  But nothing is planned because you just don't know what is going to happen between now and then.  Nothing is guaranteed.  I just know that I am setting aside that day to remember my son, and mourn the fact that while I won't be meeting him on that particular day that we had been counting down to, I know that someday I will be meeting him.  But there's no set time.
Time seems to have gone on for the rest of the world.  In the last three months, we have friends getting married, friends who have little ones growing and making milestones.  We have our girls who have their own lives they are living.  Allie made Student of the Month, and Emily just had her fifth birthday.  I know the world continues to move on, but in my mind, everything is in slow motion.  Time seems to have slowed down.
I am also reflecting on the differences in me from the first 2 months, and this last month.  I know I am making progress in healing.  I know that we are moving on too, although never forgetting our little Robbie.  The first two months I could barely function outside of my own head and emotions.  Lately, I've been making my own lessons at school again.  I feel my energy is back in the classroom, and the kids are seeing a difference as well.  I had my daughter's party yesterday, and while there were siblings there around 1-2 years old, I didn't break down and cry.  I was amazed at how cute and small they are, and almost in my grief I had forgotten all the joys of motherhood in those first few years.  But I know that I want to still have that chance again, to change diapers, and hear them giggle, and cry, and try to be independent and be a big kid when they are still so young and dependent!
Time is a funny thing.  For most of my life time just flew by, and I just moved from one thing to another.  After Robbie, I am learning that time is really meaningless in hours and days.  Time is valuable when you use it to spend with the ones you love, with no time restraints!
The last three months have felt like an endless eternity.  I have been existing in a fog, and only now is the fog beginning to lift.  And this fog has distorted my sense of time.  My family has a lot to look forward too, and while it hurts so much that Robbie won't be with us physically to share it, I know he is looking out for us, and in a blink of an eye we will be with him, and sharing stories and memories!  And time won't matter in the least!!
Robbie--I love you so much.  Even though my heart aches to hold you, and feel you kick, I know you are watching over all of us.  Your sister even writes in her diary about you.  I know she misses you too.  I know your dad thinks its silly, but our song always plays at the times I need to know you are ok, and still with me.  And I know its your way of letting me know you are watching over us all.  Please watch over your little brother or sister---and let them know how much we love you, and how much they are loved too!  But let him/her know who you are so that they can tell us a little about you, maybe, one day.  Love Mommy