Dear Robbie and Rango,
Tomorrow your sister has to make a family tree for her assignment. We had to rush around tonight and find pictures of everyone in the family (she has a big family, and you both do too!). And going through the pictures I saw pictures of you both in my belly, your ultrasounds, your footprints. I asked your sister if she was going to put your names on her tree. She hesitated, and thought for a minute. She wasn't sure if you boys were still family, even if you were in Heaven. Tonight before she went to bed, she told me she was going to draw two angels on her tree, to represent you both. I wish your sisters were able to know you, and meet you both. I know Emily bonded with you Rango. I know they do miss you both.
Could you please send them some pennies if you can spare a few please? Don't rob St. Peter...pennies are still good (although anything you can get your hands on would be fine).
I am thinking of you boys every day. I miss you and love you so much!!!
Love,
mommy
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Dear Robbie,
Its been nine months since you grew your angel wings. Nine very long months, but yet it seems like an eternity has gone by since I last felt you kick and punch me. As your daddy says, it seems like we've been without you so much longer.
I am constantly thinking about what we were doing last year at this time. And I remember the terrible morning sickness. Lying in your T.T.'s pool, in an inflatable donut, just waiting for the nausea to pass. I remember going shopping with your aunt because I needed maternity clothes, and some flexible summer stuff, since you were growing so much. I would give anything to have that time back. A year ago we also saw your heartbeat for the first time. That little flicker...so much I want to say, but I just don't have enough words.
I am so tempted to let my mind wander to the "what should we be doing"...to think of the 4-5 month old baby you would be. What milestones you would be reaching. But this only serves to make me more depressed and sad and angry. I can hope for that, but I know in reality, my two boys are angels watching over us. You are in a place where the roads are paved with gold (your sister E told me that this week--she learned in in vacation bible school). Your sisters also accepted Jesus into their hearts this week, and one thing they know is that now they will be able to see you and Rango again. And they are excited about meeting the two of you.
But Robbie, I miss you so much. But I know (on my better days) that you were so sick, and God took you home so He could take care of you. Its not that I wasn't going to be a good mommy, or your daddy wasn't going to love you and cuddle you. It was that He could give you what you need. And I know that you are healthy running around in Heaven, sitting on everyone's laps that will read to you. I hope your great grandparents, and all of our family who is already in Heaven, are telling you stories all about me and your dad.
We miss you, and know that in the nine months since you left us, we haven't forgotten you, and while we are moving on in our lives here, you will never be replaced. You will always have a piece of my heart, just as your sisters and Rango have.
I love you my first son...Behave until I get to see you!
Love
Mommy
Its been nine months since you grew your angel wings. Nine very long months, but yet it seems like an eternity has gone by since I last felt you kick and punch me. As your daddy says, it seems like we've been without you so much longer.
I am constantly thinking about what we were doing last year at this time. And I remember the terrible morning sickness. Lying in your T.T.'s pool, in an inflatable donut, just waiting for the nausea to pass. I remember going shopping with your aunt because I needed maternity clothes, and some flexible summer stuff, since you were growing so much. I would give anything to have that time back. A year ago we also saw your heartbeat for the first time. That little flicker...so much I want to say, but I just don't have enough words.
I am so tempted to let my mind wander to the "what should we be doing"...to think of the 4-5 month old baby you would be. What milestones you would be reaching. But this only serves to make me more depressed and sad and angry. I can hope for that, but I know in reality, my two boys are angels watching over us. You are in a place where the roads are paved with gold (your sister E told me that this week--she learned in in vacation bible school). Your sisters also accepted Jesus into their hearts this week, and one thing they know is that now they will be able to see you and Rango again. And they are excited about meeting the two of you.
But Robbie, I miss you so much. But I know (on my better days) that you were so sick, and God took you home so He could take care of you. Its not that I wasn't going to be a good mommy, or your daddy wasn't going to love you and cuddle you. It was that He could give you what you need. And I know that you are healthy running around in Heaven, sitting on everyone's laps that will read to you. I hope your great grandparents, and all of our family who is already in Heaven, are telling you stories all about me and your dad.
We miss you, and know that in the nine months since you left us, we haven't forgotten you, and while we are moving on in our lives here, you will never be replaced. You will always have a piece of my heart, just as your sisters and Rango have.
I love you my first son...Behave until I get to see you!
Love
Mommy
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Thank you boys
Hi Robbie and Rango,
I know I already spoke with you guys today...but I wanted to say thank you for my flowers. Your sisters bring me dandelions all the time. It was very special to look down at the spot where I was standing and see the two little dandelions between my feet.
i can't stop thinking about you two...how robbie would have been almost 5 months old already, and rango we would be registering and getting your crib. its hard to think of you two simultaneously. if robbie hadn't been sick and gone to heaven, we never would have had you Rango. But is it selfish of me to want both of you?
I know you are in good hands up there--make sure you listen to your great grandparents! and please make sure you are playing nice with all the other babies up there--i know their mommies, daddies and families are missing them too. don't cause too much trouble!
and if either of you could please help out your sister--A is still upset, and misses you both. E on the other hand thinks of you, and told me she wants to be able to go to heaven to play with you both one day.
I love you both!
Mommy
I know I already spoke with you guys today...but I wanted to say thank you for my flowers. Your sisters bring me dandelions all the time. It was very special to look down at the spot where I was standing and see the two little dandelions between my feet.
i can't stop thinking about you two...how robbie would have been almost 5 months old already, and rango we would be registering and getting your crib. its hard to think of you two simultaneously. if robbie hadn't been sick and gone to heaven, we never would have had you Rango. But is it selfish of me to want both of you?
I know you are in good hands up there--make sure you listen to your great grandparents! and please make sure you are playing nice with all the other babies up there--i know their mommies, daddies and families are missing them too. don't cause too much trouble!
and if either of you could please help out your sister--A is still upset, and misses you both. E on the other hand thinks of you, and told me she wants to be able to go to heaven to play with you both one day.
I love you both!
Mommy
Thursday, July 21, 2011
A year since the first positive test...
Dear Robbie & Rango,
It's been a year since your dad and I learned that Robbie was growing and forming inside me. Little did we know how much you boys would teach us, and how much we would change, individually, as a couple, and as a family. Robbie, you would be 4 months old--I saw families on the beach with infants, and wondered if you would be a beach baby, or a poolside baby or both? What would your brother have been? I know you both know, but I won't know for a very long time.
I also saw babies on the rides in ocean city--your sisters would have loved to ride on the rides with you.
But I guess you boys can ride on all the rides you want on your own, can't you? Or at least your great grandparents are busy taking you all sorts of places.
I know I say it often, but I do miss you, and your brother, and wonder everyday what you two would have been like. I don't know if the heartache will ever go away completely.
I just wanted to be able to hold you boys, and rock you to sleep, and cuddle you when you were fussy. To share you boys with your father and sisters and dog...I love you both very much!
Love,
Mommy
It's been a year since your dad and I learned that Robbie was growing and forming inside me. Little did we know how much you boys would teach us, and how much we would change, individually, as a couple, and as a family. Robbie, you would be 4 months old--I saw families on the beach with infants, and wondered if you would be a beach baby, or a poolside baby or both? What would your brother have been? I know you both know, but I won't know for a very long time.
I also saw babies on the rides in ocean city--your sisters would have loved to ride on the rides with you.
But I guess you boys can ride on all the rides you want on your own, can't you? Or at least your great grandparents are busy taking you all sorts of places.
I know I say it often, but I do miss you, and your brother, and wonder everyday what you two would have been like. I don't know if the heartache will ever go away completely.
I just wanted to be able to hold you boys, and rock you to sleep, and cuddle you when you were fussy. To share you boys with your father and sisters and dog...I love you both very much!
Love,
Mommy
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Bump Pictures
Dear Robbie,
Tonight we went to see the photographer that not only took our wedding photos, but also took some baby bump shots of me and you. The first set was when you were about 10w. The second set we couldn't find, but the last set was taken October 23rd. The differences between how much I grew in that two month period was amazing. But even more amazing was that instead of getting upset on seeing the pictures (I thought going in I was going to be so sad and missing you and your brother even more!), they comforted me.
While your dad and I were stressed about getting ready for you, and have a lot of guilt because I felt we weren't ready for you and therefore didn't enjoy the pregnancy and my time with you as I should of, the pictures soothed me. They showed a different memory. There is nothing but love and anticipation in all of the photos. And as I reflected back to the sittings, I remember each pose. What I was thinking...and it shows on my expression.
The best one, one of my favorites, is a shot of me holding you in the belly, and I am laughing. And immediately I remembered that pose...you were kicking and moving and squirming so much. We were talking about you (the photographer and I) and as we talked, you kept kicking!
Those pictures are pictures of hope, of a carefree time. I wish I would have enjoyed my pregnancy with you more and cherished each day. But I am grateful that your dad and I got these pictures taken, because today they are the best gift I could have gotten. They are a reminder of my time with you, short as it was.
I love you and I miss you so much!!! It hurts me to even admit that you would be 4 months old this month, and enjoying your first summer at the beach and pool. Sitting up, and starting to play with your sisters and dog.
I wish you were here with us!
I love you!
Mommy
Tonight we went to see the photographer that not only took our wedding photos, but also took some baby bump shots of me and you. The first set was when you were about 10w. The second set we couldn't find, but the last set was taken October 23rd. The differences between how much I grew in that two month period was amazing. But even more amazing was that instead of getting upset on seeing the pictures (I thought going in I was going to be so sad and missing you and your brother even more!), they comforted me.
While your dad and I were stressed about getting ready for you, and have a lot of guilt because I felt we weren't ready for you and therefore didn't enjoy the pregnancy and my time with you as I should of, the pictures soothed me. They showed a different memory. There is nothing but love and anticipation in all of the photos. And as I reflected back to the sittings, I remember each pose. What I was thinking...and it shows on my expression.
The best one, one of my favorites, is a shot of me holding you in the belly, and I am laughing. And immediately I remembered that pose...you were kicking and moving and squirming so much. We were talking about you (the photographer and I) and as we talked, you kept kicking!
Those pictures are pictures of hope, of a carefree time. I wish I would have enjoyed my pregnancy with you more and cherished each day. But I am grateful that your dad and I got these pictures taken, because today they are the best gift I could have gotten. They are a reminder of my time with you, short as it was.
I love you and I miss you so much!!! It hurts me to even admit that you would be 4 months old this month, and enjoying your first summer at the beach and pool. Sitting up, and starting to play with your sisters and dog.
I wish you were here with us!
I love you!
Mommy
Saturday, July 9, 2011
1 month
Dear Rango,
It's been 1 month since I last felt you kicking and squirming. It's been a fast month, but unbearably slow as well. Just like I can still remember what it felt like when Robbie kicked, you were a different kind of mover. You were subtle. You would make little bumps against me that I would feel. We were just starting to be able to feel you kick from the outside. That's how I know you were still alive as I got ready for work that fateful morning. I know you were squirming as I was getting ready. I don't know when your heart stopped beating, at what point during the day. I don't want to know when.
Your daddy thinks my premonition Wednesday night was your way of telling me something was wrong. I couldn't stop crying and I was so scared something was happening. I just kept seeing the same scene over and over...we were in the delivery room, and the doctor had delivered you, but I was bleeding uncontrollably. And then it would go black. But you were okay--you were with your daddy. The doctors were working on me. But 24 hrs later, you were gone, not me. I regret not taking the doppler out that morning before work--I had done it so many other mornings. But I know you were moving. But it would have been the last time we heard your heartbeat.
We miss you (and your brother) so much. Your sisters still cry over both of you. I cry every day...I relive those moments when I knew you weren't moving and they were busy checking my placenta on the ultrasound. By the time they went to check your heartbeat, I already knew. My worst nightmare coming true again.
I am grateful we spent the time we had with you. That we did cherish every moment, and made you a part of the family even before we could hold you. I don't regret any minute of that. The doctor says if I do get pregnant again, it would be normal and expected of me not to bond with the next baby. But while I understand why I would do that, I also know that your daddy and I cherish every day we had with you.
We miss you and love you!
Love,
Mommy
It's been 1 month since I last felt you kicking and squirming. It's been a fast month, but unbearably slow as well. Just like I can still remember what it felt like when Robbie kicked, you were a different kind of mover. You were subtle. You would make little bumps against me that I would feel. We were just starting to be able to feel you kick from the outside. That's how I know you were still alive as I got ready for work that fateful morning. I know you were squirming as I was getting ready. I don't know when your heart stopped beating, at what point during the day. I don't want to know when.
Your daddy thinks my premonition Wednesday night was your way of telling me something was wrong. I couldn't stop crying and I was so scared something was happening. I just kept seeing the same scene over and over...we were in the delivery room, and the doctor had delivered you, but I was bleeding uncontrollably. And then it would go black. But you were okay--you were with your daddy. The doctors were working on me. But 24 hrs later, you were gone, not me. I regret not taking the doppler out that morning before work--I had done it so many other mornings. But I know you were moving. But it would have been the last time we heard your heartbeat.
We miss you (and your brother) so much. Your sisters still cry over both of you. I cry every day...I relive those moments when I knew you weren't moving and they were busy checking my placenta on the ultrasound. By the time they went to check your heartbeat, I already knew. My worst nightmare coming true again.
I am grateful we spent the time we had with you. That we did cherish every moment, and made you a part of the family even before we could hold you. I don't regret any minute of that. The doctor says if I do get pregnant again, it would be normal and expected of me not to bond with the next baby. But while I understand why I would do that, I also know that your daddy and I cherish every day we had with you.
We miss you and love you!
Love,
Mommy
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Thinking of you today
Dear Boys,
Today was the first day that I was able to be alone. And by alone I mean no phone, no body talking to me, just me and my thoughts, and wanting to have some quiet time with you. But since I was driving to the doctors, every time I tried to think of either of you, I got very emotional, and started to cry. So needless to say, I turned up the radio and just sang. What else could I do? I know both of you listened to my wonderful radio singing...and you knew how it would calm me down.
Your dad has your sisters looking for pennies now. He found one at the ice cream stand last night. And he went searching around for the other one. Your sisters wanted to know what he was looking for...and I explained it to them. So now they are looking for pennies, if you can spare a few for them.
Your sisters are also asking a lot of questions about you boys today. I'm answering them the best I can, but I know they miss you both, and really want a baby brother. Instead of a funeral for Rango, your sisters want to have a party instead. What do you think about that? If we release balloons, will you catch them for us (and share them with your friends up there? I know you must be playing with Arianna and your other little friends, and your great grandparents!). It does make me a little happier knowing that you two have each other, and have other friends to play with.
I miss you both. I love you both.
Love,
Mommy
Today was the first day that I was able to be alone. And by alone I mean no phone, no body talking to me, just me and my thoughts, and wanting to have some quiet time with you. But since I was driving to the doctors, every time I tried to think of either of you, I got very emotional, and started to cry. So needless to say, I turned up the radio and just sang. What else could I do? I know both of you listened to my wonderful radio singing...and you knew how it would calm me down.
Your dad has your sisters looking for pennies now. He found one at the ice cream stand last night. And he went searching around for the other one. Your sisters wanted to know what he was looking for...and I explained it to them. So now they are looking for pennies, if you can spare a few for them.
Your sisters are also asking a lot of questions about you boys today. I'm answering them the best I can, but I know they miss you both, and really want a baby brother. Instead of a funeral for Rango, your sisters want to have a party instead. What do you think about that? If we release balloons, will you catch them for us (and share them with your friends up there? I know you must be playing with Arianna and your other little friends, and your great grandparents!). It does make me a little happier knowing that you two have each other, and have other friends to play with.
I miss you both. I love you both.
Love,
Mommy
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)