Dear Rango,
It's been 1 month since I last felt you kicking and squirming. It's been a fast month, but unbearably slow as well. Just like I can still remember what it felt like when Robbie kicked, you were a different kind of mover. You were subtle. You would make little bumps against me that I would feel. We were just starting to be able to feel you kick from the outside. That's how I know you were still alive as I got ready for work that fateful morning. I know you were squirming as I was getting ready. I don't know when your heart stopped beating, at what point during the day. I don't want to know when.
Your daddy thinks my premonition Wednesday night was your way of telling me something was wrong. I couldn't stop crying and I was so scared something was happening. I just kept seeing the same scene over and over...we were in the delivery room, and the doctor had delivered you, but I was bleeding uncontrollably. And then it would go black. But you were okay--you were with your daddy. The doctors were working on me. But 24 hrs later, you were gone, not me. I regret not taking the doppler out that morning before work--I had done it so many other mornings. But I know you were moving. But it would have been the last time we heard your heartbeat.
We miss you (and your brother) so much. Your sisters still cry over both of you. I cry every day...I relive those moments when I knew you weren't moving and they were busy checking my placenta on the ultrasound. By the time they went to check your heartbeat, I already knew. My worst nightmare coming true again.
I am grateful we spent the time we had with you. That we did cherish every moment, and made you a part of the family even before we could hold you. I don't regret any minute of that. The doctor says if I do get pregnant again, it would be normal and expected of me not to bond with the next baby. But while I understand why I would do that, I also know that your daddy and I cherish every day we had with you.
We miss you and love you!
Love,
Mommy
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