Bittersweetness

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of Robbie.  What he would be doing right now, what we would be doing right now, what milestones he would have made.  And each day brought with it a new set of challenges.  One of the biggest challenges I've had is talking to/looking at/ acknowledging anyone who was pregnant while I was pregnant, due around  Robbie's due date, or just plain are inconsiderate about how they act during their pregnancy (meaning complaining about the aches and pains of it, not realizing I would give anything to have felt the 3rd trimester, even late 2nd trimester pains and uncomfortableness instead of this empty ache in my heart).
And I've felt very guilty about this--babies are a wonderful gift and should be celebrated.  It saddens me to think of those women that think having a baby is a competition, and they can be the only ones pregnant at that time.  We should all be so lucky to have healthy pregnancies at the same time!  I thought this was even before we lost Robbie.  I think even more so now.  So the fact that I couldn't look at several women I work with that were pregnant (b/c they would complain in earshot of me about how they didn't fit into anything, and how fat they were, and other normal complaints), because I was so sensitive.
But this week I learned that a friend, someone who checked in on me while I was home from work grieving, is finally pregnant!  And she is super excited, and for some reason, I am excited and happy too!  And while all my fear isn't instantly gone, I feel a bit hopeful about my own pregnancy this time.  You know how they say misery loves company?  Maybe her happiness and ability to enjoy her pregnancy and not worry will rub off on me!  I was just relieved to see that I am moving past this intolerance of other pregnant women.  I know its unreasonable, and I don't know every woman's backstory--I'm sure that some women have stories just like mine.  But I am seeing this as a sign of healing, of moving forward.
I will never forget my son, my first son.  And not a day goes by that I don't wonder what he looked like, what his personality would be.  But to know he is in my heart, and I can move on and be happy with the short time I was allowed to be his mom, is okay.  Its taking baby steps, but its better than staying in the abyss forever.
There is hope, and the sorrow does lessen.  It will never go away---but it will change.