I have to say in the last 6 months this expression, or anything similar to it, has become my most despised "words of comfort". To realize that 6 months ago our lives were exposed to the extreme grief and darkness that follows a loss such as ours (while it was a stillbirth, he was still our little boy), and didn't know how to make it through day by day, being here today and still standing is amazing. Mario and I have prioritized, making our family first, and limiting how much stress can come from work. Maybe this was more of a lesson for me than him. But it still hurts to think that we should have a 2 month old right now. I am grateful for Rango. For our opportunity to have another child, that maybe Robbie just wasn't "finished" yet. Today we took a tree (dwarf tree) and planted it by my husband's grandparents grave (Robbie's namesakes are his great-grandfathers...Robert for Mario's grandfather, and Francis for mine). It was emotional, and sad, but we knew we had to do it. We had been putting it off for too long. I thought the 6th month anniversary was appropriate. Just every time we remember that scab gets ripped off again. But as we watered the tree, and cried, the sun did break through. We came home, took the dog to park and let him swim in the lake, and then came home and got cleaned up.
But I have yet to see what good is coming from Robbie's death. Or what door is going to open next...it doesn't make sense--still.
I also learned this week that my district is non-renewing me for next school year. Ouch. Not completely unexpected, but to think of everything we've been through, and what a support system this school has been during these last 6 months, it was still a bit of a shock when I was called in for the conference on Wednesday.
But, this is where the constant support and people hugging me may have made it worse for me. They kept saying that this shouldn't have happened, but something good would come out of it.
So, here's my train of thought: Right now I would be on maternity leave. In December/January I would have been at work, so any of the situations that did come up while I was out grieving, wouldn't have existed and would have been handled by me immediately. If Robbie was here, I would still be returning to work in the fall in the same district. If Robbie didn't die, I wouldn't be here right now, staring at unemployment and another non-renewal. And I am struggling to see how these last 6 months were meant to have good come from all the events that occurred.
Can't I just get a break? Why is it those who aren't nice and lie always seem to get ahead, and those of us who do the right thing and work hard get trampled? Why was it my baby that died? I just don't understand life. And while I have been through trials throughout my entire life, I think at this point I am just tired and hurt and want things to happen easily just once. Why can't life be fair just once in someone's life?
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