Ok, so its been a rough couple of weeks--I came down with this nasty cold that my husband gave to me over christmas break despite taking airborne, vitamin c and the gummy vitamins for immunity. Darn! But to top it off, the day I felt the worst (and apparently looked the worst), and had no voice I was observed for school by the assistant superintendent. And it was the same day that I found out my grandmother was being rushed in to surgery at 2:30 that afternoon, on the heels of an impending snowstorm, after falling down the stairs and fracturing her ankle in 3 places.
And if that wasn't enough for 1 day, I was also waiting to hear if an important letter was hand delivered to the superintendent regarding a situation at work. So to say my nerves were a bit rattled would be an understatement. So to walk into my third period, and see the assistant superintendent on my heels, I shrugged my shoulders and told myself it is what it is. Just do what comes naturally, and know that when I'm with my students, I am confident I am a good teacher. Honestly, for the book that I was told I have to follow word by word for this year, it was a boring lesson, and not something that I would normally be okay doing with the kids. But I was told to follow this new book by the letter (its scripted), and so I did, to the dismay of the students. The lesson was bad, and there just wasn't anyway without going off script that I could help it. But overall, it was a pretty typical day.
So a week and a half later, I meet with her to go over my post-observation. One of the first things she says to me is "How are you doing?". I replied honestly, "I'm making it day by day-thanks for asking." She then goes on to ask/tell me if I am happy, because the teacher she saw during the observation was not the same teacher she saw a year ago (well, yeah, duh!). She wanted to know if I was happy at my school. Because my face just isn't the same, neither is my demeanor. Not that I was negative, just not as excited or involved as I was last year, or during my demo lesson when I interviewed. She then told me she understood that I am going through a major traumatic experience, and that there is a part of me that is still grieving (again, duh!), but she just got the feeling that I was stressed and anxious and not enjoying my job anymore.
What do you say? What could I do? I actually have thought that in the last few weeks I have been coming out of the fog that is now my existence. I thought I was doing okay at work...joking with the kids, doing my thing, talking with co-workers. Yes, there are days I have to put the sad Stacey away and focus on getting through each class period. And my co-workers have told me that when I have rough days, they know, but its no different than any other teacher having a bad day. But to have her tell me that I look different, and I am just not the same, I just was speechless. How do you respond except by repeating that you are happy, and if you didn't like where you worked, you certainly wouldn't have come back as soon as I did after the baby?
Last week my aunt told my husband he looked sad. He told me later in the car, and he was confused too. So last night we talked about the fact that we keep getting comments about how sad we look, or how anxious we seem to be. And we came to the conclusion that we are doing the best we can, and to us, we are operating somewhat normally in the real world. We aren't going to be "normal". We are finding a new normal, our new selves after Robert died. It took me 28 years to find out who I was and be comfortable in that. I've been living 3 years comfortable knowing who I am. Now that has all changed--and I don't know what that means as far as people's perception of me.
But as far as happiness goes, I hope I can be happy again. I know that watching my daughters when they aren't fighting makes me happy, watching my dog act like an idiot over a stuffed cat makes me happy, and spending time with my husband makes me happy. But there are those moments when I realize life isn't what I thought it was, and I am sad. I am trying to make the best out of it, and learn to go through each day to find a bit of happiness. I am fortunate that my family and friends have helped with this.
Mario and I agreed that we really think people who tell us we "look sad" or "unhappy" are actually just projecting their feelings onto us. We are the pitied couple right now. People see us, and feel sorry for us. And in turn, they project those feelings onto us, and assume we are just sad or unhappy.
So, my response to am I happy?....Yes, I am happy. It's just not as frequent as I used to be. My moments of unhappiness/ sadness are so much greater and stronger than I have ever felt, but that is okay that I feel like that. I am supposed to feel like that. I am still grieving! I enjoy every moment in the classroom. I love my co-workers, and the support I have received through everything! I will try a little harder to bring a little more of "me" into my lessons like you suggested, and see if that makes a difference in my appearance. I don't know why I look different, but I am different. I try to hide my sadness at work, but it doesn't mean I am any lesser of a teacher because I am going through this.
I miss my son, I miss being pregnant. Not a day goes by I don't think I should be _____ weeks along, and doing __________- (any activities to prepare for the baby). But I am hopeful that maybe he'll be ready to come down from heaven soon, and we will finally get to meet.
Robbie---I miss you and feeling you move at night. I hate when I get the phantom kicks--its just another reminder that you aren't there anymore. But thank you for the song on Wednesday--I had no idea it would be so rough walking in. But everytime it plays, its just when I need it, and I know you are looking over me. I love you! Mommy
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