Protection

I have been doing so well for about a week.  After the family fall out, Mario and I were able to talk and get on the same page, and really hash out some issues that we had brewing from early on in the pregnancy.  Mainly, confrontational issues.  If you know me, you know that I like to just settle things right away, put things on the table, and argue and yell and get it all out and resolved.  Mario doesn't.  So in trying to protect me so that I don't get upset, he pushes issues aside and doesn't tell people the truth about what is wrong, which means that they continue their insulting behavior.  Which in turns makes me more upset!  And round and round we go until I finally just handle it, and the situation is resolved--normally not so well because it has been festering for so long, but at least the truth is out.  But this past weekend, thanks to my mother in law, my husband saw that in order to protect me from getting upset, if you just tell people the truth at the start, perhaps they won't like it, but then at least it won't drag out for weeks!  While he didn't say the truth of what was going on, my mother in law didn't mince words, and within 25 minutes my stress was gone (well, i was still upset for how they had hurt us, but the stress of confrontation was over).
Protection...everyone has tried so hard to protect these last 2 months.  From needless worry, anxiety, stress, decision making, family issues.  Our moms have been doing what moms do best--calling and checking on us daily, listening and offering advice, and when needed, arguing for us (and for them).  But the kicker of the situation is that the things they are trying to protect us from now are so petty and minute compared to the loss of our son--that no one could have protected us from.  My husband couldn't protect me from the procedures, from bleeding so much in the hospital, from the harsh reality that my baby bump just seemed to disappear overnight.  I couldn't protect him from the fact that he doesn't get to feel his son kick, or hold his son in 2 months.  Neither of us can protect each other of the hurt we feel when we walk into the nursery, and where the glider and crib should be, instead is an urn with the cremains of our son, with the only pictures we have of him on the wall.  We can't protect each other from the reality that even if we try again, and are blessed with another baby, we might suffer this heartache again.
Today I have been feeling odd.  Almost like I'm on the verge of a bad day.  But nothing has really happened to make me feel this way.  Yes, I had to go out and help him shovel again, when I mentally kept reminding myself that I should have been inside, but that doesn't matter right now.  There is no baby in my uterus...I can push myself as hard as I want.  Except that my body has tricked itself into thinking that I might still be carrying a child, and even though I have been exercising like crazy, and watching my diet, my body has apparently put itself into starvation mode, and I am not losing any weight at all.  Nobody could have protected me from the hurt I feel about my body just not cooperating so I can fit into my old clothes.  (although i love my cousin who told me i'm still skinny).  There's just some things you have to muddle through because there is no short cut or easy option.  Sometimes people can't protect you, as much as they want too.
So Sunday, after all of our revelations and realizations that we have to be clearer in what we need to feel safe and protected with each other (and our families), we ran to target.  (Side note...my daughter was with her dad, and had to be rushed to the ER because she fell on the floor and put a deep gash in her chin...5 stitches later she was discharged and numb, and we had an afternoon out that we weren't anticipating).  We picked up the normal items, and found ourselves walking right past the baby aisle to get to the registers.  I have successfully avoided baby sections (hah---i was protecting myself).  But I wanted to see the price of a jogger stroller---the cause of his cousin making another rift between him and her, to see really, what was the big deal.  It was only $100--apparently the price to insult and hurt your cousin beyond words, and then tell him your relationship was over.  He and I had no idea it was so low, and went ok.  That is actually a reasonably priced object, and when we'll need it (6 months after a baby is born) we should be able to manage to buy it.  But while we were in the aisle, I choose to just look at the baby items.  Mario was hesitant, because he didn't want me to hurt and break down, but allowed us to wander around.  See, while we never registered, or picked out a pattern for the pack and play, stroller/travel system, and high chair, we never found a new one we liked.  The weekend before we found out about our baby, I had contacted several people, and had plans to purchase their used items that we liked more.  I had everything lined up, all the staples plus a breast pump. We were going to pick them up the weekend before Thanksgiving.  The only thing we had actually picked out was the bedding.
But the first item we saw was an Eddie Bauer highchair--the old fashioned wood looking kind--not the big plastic kind.  We really liked it.  We liked the cushion too.  So Mario went and found the stroller system, and called me over, and we both loved it!  We found the pack and play, and realized that we actually loved this pattern!
See, his cousin and I traded jogger strollers a while back--my double for her single.  When we found out the baby died, I returned any baby items I had except the jogger.  I just didn't need the reminders of what we had lost.  But the stroller, which was needed for a 6month old or older baby, was the one piece of hope we were holding onto that maybe, maybe we would try again, and get our take home baby.  It was in the garage, so we could go and glance at it, and take a deep breathe and know that maybe we would be able to move past the darkness and sadness, and try again.  When his cousin demanded it back, because they needed it now, and wouldn't trade back the stroller, it struck a nerve with us.  It was like they were telling us that we weren't going to ever need it again.  They were assuming that because our baby died at 5 months, we weren't going to get an opportunity to try again and succeed, so they just wanted it back and didn't want to return our double stroller because they still needed it.  We are sensitive, and we are allowed to be right now.  But how they handled this situation was just wrong.  And its something my husband won't get over anytime soon.  We did end up deciding that it was better for us as a couple, and future parents, to just give them the damn stroller, and buy a new one with no negativity attached to it (or those who were not wishing us well).
Anyway, back to Target.  We now have no baby stuff, nothing.  I felt hopeless-I had nothing to cling too besides memories.  But here we were, looking at a pattern we absolutely adore.  It took so much self control not to buy all three pieces on the spot...because he and i looked at each other, and acknowledged that we were crazy, but we wanted something tangible to hold on to.  We never ordered the crib, we never bought baby clothes.  To protect ourselves in case something bad happened (which it did), we didn't buy anything that might remind us of what we lost.  But in doing that, we were left with empty arms, and an empty room, and no hope of a bright future.  I know that he and I want to buy the baby items now to protect us from the reminder that there might not be a baby in 2 months, but it doesn't mean it won't even happen.  In protecting ourselves from hurting, we actually ended up being more hurt because we lost hope.  I hope that makes sense, because while it makes sense to me, it may not to anyone else.
So we controlled ourselves, and called our moms to see if we were crazy.  We were told we weren't.  We then decided that one paycheck a month we are going to go out and buy one item for our next baby.  We don't know when that will be, but who knows, maybe when we are done buying all these baby items we'll get the biggest surprise of all-a second chance.  And the next time, I don't think he or I will try to distance ourselves from the baby, but instead embrace and enjoy everything moment we will have.  Sometimes protection isn't always a good thing because you miss out on all the little moments you won't release/open your heart too.