No Guarantees

So since New Year's Eve, I have been writing out everything in Word, editing it, and then posting it on this blog. On top of that, I have been exercising like crazy, because the more I exercise and write, the better I feel, and more I sleep.  I do about 25 minutes of cardio or strength training thanks to Comcast On Demand, then 10 minutes of pilates, and 10 minutes of yoga (it really does help release the anger).  I just hope I can continue doing this during the work week--or else my PMS on top of grief won't be pretty for me, my students or my co-workers.  But staying off of xanax is definitely a hard choice-it would be so much easier to just stay on it, and not worry about finding "me" time.  I know I need to lose at least 15 pounds to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight.  It sucks to think about that if I just was able to breast feed, the weight would have been gone weeks ago!
But I was hesitant going back to work today--almost worse than the first day of school jitters.  This year is going to be very different from what I had envisioned.  Instead of going out on leave in approximately 8 -10 weeks, I am in school through June, with a summer job lined up pending approval for the deli.  There are other issues at work, that I really feel are so unimportant, but you still have to handle them.  And I really do have to have faith that things are just going to work out, and obviously Mario and I are poor planners because the life we had planned for slipped through our fingers.  My job, my family, having another baby, somehow its just going to have to all work out, one way or another.  Its a lot easier to type that than believe it!
But today, at work at the copier, a fellow teacher came up to me, and told me she didn't want to make me upset, but she wanted to share with me that she had 4 miscarriages, and that she knew what i was going through, but not really because her pregnancies were not as far along as mine.  I told her I am learning that it doesn't matter--once we see the two lines, we are already new mommies.  We talked about how we are both Christians, but even this has us perplexed and we don't understand why God could allow something like this to happen--such heartache and sorrow.  We talked about the innocent belief of pregnant women about milestones: if you see "this" at 6 weeks, you are doing good.  At 8 weeks if you see the heartbeat, that's great!  At 12 weeks, at the end of the first trimester, and you see the heartbeat, you are in the clear until the anatomy scan.  But if bloodwork comes back normal, and you are feeling okay, and the ultrasounds in between look good and baby is growing, then you should bring your baby home in your arms after 9 months--right?  Wrong!  There are no guarantees, even as late as the 39th week.  But for new naive mothers, they allow themselves to believe the milestones guarantee because you can't fathom the reality of what if something did go wrong?  And it was so nice, that even though I've posted this before on my board with my supportive group of ladies, to actually hear another mother bring it up!  Life truly does have no guarantees.  But she also wanted to tell me to have hope, and that one day I will have my take home baby.  That this sad, dark time, will get better-never leave.  I appreciated her coming up to me and sharing this with me.  She said she realizes that no one talks about it--its a taboo subject, and i agree.  Why can we light up message boards, and have blogs and online support groups, but where do we talk about it in real life?  No one wants to hear that there are no guarantees--even in pregnancy.  So does that mean our grief is less than others who have lost loved ones?  Does it mean our little angels don't get to be remembered by anyone but ourselves and  our families?
I don't think so.  I'm sure it makes other people uncomfortable, but I need to talk about my son, and how he is watching over all of us right now.  There was no guarantee I would hold him, and sing him to sleep, but there was the guarantee that I would love my little boy the moment I first knew I was carrying him.
I appreciate each person who allows me to speak of my grief, who understands I am not the same person I was 7 weeks ago, who is patient and lets me ramble, who comes up to me in parking lots and gives me a hug, because they know I need it and they want me to know they care, who allows me to stay in bed as long as I may need or work out as much as I want to make myself feel better,  who helps to bring a little bit of happiness and distraction for my family when I just can't pull it together some days.
Chamilia charm bracelet--was special because my mother in law--your "nanny" gave me an angel charm.  So all day today I kept touching the bracelets as a reminder of you and that although life may go on, there are no guarantees, but at least i have the fact that i love you very much, and know that you will always be my angel, watching me, your daddy, your sisters and the rest of your family.