Signs

Robert was a very active baby--I first felt movement from him at approximately 9 weeks--and it wasn't gas!  And the bigger he got, the more he used to move.  Whenever his sisters would yell and scream and run around and get hyper, he would move.  When my husband used to goof off with my daughters, he would move.  When I tried to sleep at night, without fail, he would move.
When school started in the fall, I figured he would be quiet in the mornings and while I was on my feet all day moving around (my school gave me a horrible schedule, where every 40 minutes I was moving to another room, upstairs one period, downstairs the next, and I teach freshmen so the option to sit and let them be independent, especially in September is out of the question!).   As I sat in traffic one morning during that first week back, the Black Eyed Peas song I've Gotta Feeling came on the radio.  And as I sat there impatient to get to work after sitting in the line of cars pulling in to school, the baby started to move.  A lot!  It seemed as if he was dancing in there!  I was so amused, and pleased as punch!  I was just tickled.  Unfortunately for him I was able to pull into my parking spot, and the song was still playing and he was still moving.  I felt bad, but I was going to be late, and I had to turn the car and music off.  I told him I was sorry, but he could still keep moving.  And off to work I went.  After that, every time a Black Eyed Peas song came on the radio he would start dancing his little touchie off, )or 1 or 2 Katy Perry songs if he was in the mood, .  I experimented with other artists, other songs, but he wouldn't budge.  Only Black Eyed Peas was the sure thing).

So my first Monday back to work after the d & e, I was sitting in the line of cars, waiting to pull into the parking lot.  The radio was on to a random station.  I was trying to concentrate on the day ahead and what I was going to anticipate, and how I was going to deal with seeing everyone the first day back.  (I work with many lovely supportive people, and their hugs, while rough and made me cry that first week back, helped me to know and remind me still that i'm not alone).  And suddenly, I heard the first few bars of the song I hadn't heard since he left us.  If you know the song, you know that the beginning is unique and can't mistake it.  I turned up the radio, and realized it was I've Gotta Feeling...I started to cry and shake right then and there.  In my car, with senior students staring at me as we were pulling in.  I pulled in, and texted my husband that his song just came on the radio, and I didn't think I could do this after all.  He called me back immediately and wanted to make sure I was going to walk into school.  I had turned off the song, and tried to calm down, and eventually did walk in, and went back to work.

Today, it is 7 weeks since we learned of our baby boy's demise.  During my 7th period class (the ones that nicknamed the baby), one of the students asked if I liked the Black Eyed Peas.  I responded I used to, and the kids at his table quickly realized that I might start getting upset, and tried to get him to change the subject.  That only confused the student more, because he didn't remember the class discussions we had (well, debates) because the students wanted the baby to move always during their class and tried to get me to put on this song so the baby could move.  But it was so sweet to see the kids be that sensitive to me, and we managed to get back on task, and moved on with class.  The next period is my prep period, and I am dealing with a huge issue at work (not student related--my kids are awesome) and was having a tough emotional day...I still had to put grades in the gradebook,  handle writing a letter and grading.  I started bringing my ipod to work when I came back to tune out everything around me when I needed to.  Today was one of those days.  So I broke out the ipod, turned on the laptop that is assigned to me, and opened up Word and starting typing...or I tried too.  The first song on my ipod that came on...you got it...I've Gotta Feeling.  I stopped typing, and just sat there.  I wanted to cry, but something just stopped me.  I took a deep breathe, listened to the song and just allowed myself to remember the happy times associated with that song--and looked out the window at the clouds and sky, and realized that my little boy was up in heaven dancing his little booty off.  And that thought made me smile (if you knew me and my husband you know we aren't dancers lol).  My baby is dancing and is ok.  I went onto my message boards to write a quick message about my good moment of acceptance, and then got back to work, still smiling.  I thought about how maybe this song is now my sign from my son from heaven, that he is thinking of me still and watching over me.  When I got in my car this afternoon to leave work, I am now absolutely sure that having this song play is my son's way to letting me know he is still looking after me...because guess what song was on the radio?
It is so bittersweet because I want to feel sorry for myself, that I'm not feeling him kick in real time to the music, but to know that he and I have this special song...it gives me a sense of knowing he was my boy, and always will be there for me!
Robbie--Thank you for today.  I needed that so much from you to know you are ok.  Have fun dancing with your friends in heaven and save a dance for me...okay? i love you...mommy