Dear Robbie and Rango,
Tomorrow your sister has to make a family tree for her assignment. We had to rush around tonight and find pictures of everyone in the family (she has a big family, and you both do too!). And going through the pictures I saw pictures of you both in my belly, your ultrasounds, your footprints. I asked your sister if she was going to put your names on her tree. She hesitated, and thought for a minute. She wasn't sure if you boys were still family, even if you were in Heaven. Tonight before she went to bed, she told me she was going to draw two angels on her tree, to represent you both. I wish your sisters were able to know you, and meet you both. I know Emily bonded with you Rango. I know they do miss you both.
Could you please send them some pennies if you can spare a few please? Don't rob St. Peter...pennies are still good (although anything you can get your hands on would be fine).
I am thinking of you boys every day. I miss you and love you so much!!!
Love,
mommy
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Dear Robbie,
Its been nine months since you grew your angel wings. Nine very long months, but yet it seems like an eternity has gone by since I last felt you kick and punch me. As your daddy says, it seems like we've been without you so much longer.
I am constantly thinking about what we were doing last year at this time. And I remember the terrible morning sickness. Lying in your T.T.'s pool, in an inflatable donut, just waiting for the nausea to pass. I remember going shopping with your aunt because I needed maternity clothes, and some flexible summer stuff, since you were growing so much. I would give anything to have that time back. A year ago we also saw your heartbeat for the first time. That little flicker...so much I want to say, but I just don't have enough words.
I am so tempted to let my mind wander to the "what should we be doing"...to think of the 4-5 month old baby you would be. What milestones you would be reaching. But this only serves to make me more depressed and sad and angry. I can hope for that, but I know in reality, my two boys are angels watching over us. You are in a place where the roads are paved with gold (your sister E told me that this week--she learned in in vacation bible school). Your sisters also accepted Jesus into their hearts this week, and one thing they know is that now they will be able to see you and Rango again. And they are excited about meeting the two of you.
But Robbie, I miss you so much. But I know (on my better days) that you were so sick, and God took you home so He could take care of you. Its not that I wasn't going to be a good mommy, or your daddy wasn't going to love you and cuddle you. It was that He could give you what you need. And I know that you are healthy running around in Heaven, sitting on everyone's laps that will read to you. I hope your great grandparents, and all of our family who is already in Heaven, are telling you stories all about me and your dad.
We miss you, and know that in the nine months since you left us, we haven't forgotten you, and while we are moving on in our lives here, you will never be replaced. You will always have a piece of my heart, just as your sisters and Rango have.
I love you my first son...Behave until I get to see you!
Love
Mommy
Its been nine months since you grew your angel wings. Nine very long months, but yet it seems like an eternity has gone by since I last felt you kick and punch me. As your daddy says, it seems like we've been without you so much longer.
I am constantly thinking about what we were doing last year at this time. And I remember the terrible morning sickness. Lying in your T.T.'s pool, in an inflatable donut, just waiting for the nausea to pass. I remember going shopping with your aunt because I needed maternity clothes, and some flexible summer stuff, since you were growing so much. I would give anything to have that time back. A year ago we also saw your heartbeat for the first time. That little flicker...so much I want to say, but I just don't have enough words.
I am so tempted to let my mind wander to the "what should we be doing"...to think of the 4-5 month old baby you would be. What milestones you would be reaching. But this only serves to make me more depressed and sad and angry. I can hope for that, but I know in reality, my two boys are angels watching over us. You are in a place where the roads are paved with gold (your sister E told me that this week--she learned in in vacation bible school). Your sisters also accepted Jesus into their hearts this week, and one thing they know is that now they will be able to see you and Rango again. And they are excited about meeting the two of you.
But Robbie, I miss you so much. But I know (on my better days) that you were so sick, and God took you home so He could take care of you. Its not that I wasn't going to be a good mommy, or your daddy wasn't going to love you and cuddle you. It was that He could give you what you need. And I know that you are healthy running around in Heaven, sitting on everyone's laps that will read to you. I hope your great grandparents, and all of our family who is already in Heaven, are telling you stories all about me and your dad.
We miss you, and know that in the nine months since you left us, we haven't forgotten you, and while we are moving on in our lives here, you will never be replaced. You will always have a piece of my heart, just as your sisters and Rango have.
I love you my first son...Behave until I get to see you!
Love
Mommy
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Thank you boys
Hi Robbie and Rango,
I know I already spoke with you guys today...but I wanted to say thank you for my flowers. Your sisters bring me dandelions all the time. It was very special to look down at the spot where I was standing and see the two little dandelions between my feet.
i can't stop thinking about you two...how robbie would have been almost 5 months old already, and rango we would be registering and getting your crib. its hard to think of you two simultaneously. if robbie hadn't been sick and gone to heaven, we never would have had you Rango. But is it selfish of me to want both of you?
I know you are in good hands up there--make sure you listen to your great grandparents! and please make sure you are playing nice with all the other babies up there--i know their mommies, daddies and families are missing them too. don't cause too much trouble!
and if either of you could please help out your sister--A is still upset, and misses you both. E on the other hand thinks of you, and told me she wants to be able to go to heaven to play with you both one day.
I love you both!
Mommy
I know I already spoke with you guys today...but I wanted to say thank you for my flowers. Your sisters bring me dandelions all the time. It was very special to look down at the spot where I was standing and see the two little dandelions between my feet.
i can't stop thinking about you two...how robbie would have been almost 5 months old already, and rango we would be registering and getting your crib. its hard to think of you two simultaneously. if robbie hadn't been sick and gone to heaven, we never would have had you Rango. But is it selfish of me to want both of you?
I know you are in good hands up there--make sure you listen to your great grandparents! and please make sure you are playing nice with all the other babies up there--i know their mommies, daddies and families are missing them too. don't cause too much trouble!
and if either of you could please help out your sister--A is still upset, and misses you both. E on the other hand thinks of you, and told me she wants to be able to go to heaven to play with you both one day.
I love you both!
Mommy
Thursday, July 21, 2011
A year since the first positive test...
Dear Robbie & Rango,
It's been a year since your dad and I learned that Robbie was growing and forming inside me. Little did we know how much you boys would teach us, and how much we would change, individually, as a couple, and as a family. Robbie, you would be 4 months old--I saw families on the beach with infants, and wondered if you would be a beach baby, or a poolside baby or both? What would your brother have been? I know you both know, but I won't know for a very long time.
I also saw babies on the rides in ocean city--your sisters would have loved to ride on the rides with you.
But I guess you boys can ride on all the rides you want on your own, can't you? Or at least your great grandparents are busy taking you all sorts of places.
I know I say it often, but I do miss you, and your brother, and wonder everyday what you two would have been like. I don't know if the heartache will ever go away completely.
I just wanted to be able to hold you boys, and rock you to sleep, and cuddle you when you were fussy. To share you boys with your father and sisters and dog...I love you both very much!
Love,
Mommy
It's been a year since your dad and I learned that Robbie was growing and forming inside me. Little did we know how much you boys would teach us, and how much we would change, individually, as a couple, and as a family. Robbie, you would be 4 months old--I saw families on the beach with infants, and wondered if you would be a beach baby, or a poolside baby or both? What would your brother have been? I know you both know, but I won't know for a very long time.
I also saw babies on the rides in ocean city--your sisters would have loved to ride on the rides with you.
But I guess you boys can ride on all the rides you want on your own, can't you? Or at least your great grandparents are busy taking you all sorts of places.
I know I say it often, but I do miss you, and your brother, and wonder everyday what you two would have been like. I don't know if the heartache will ever go away completely.
I just wanted to be able to hold you boys, and rock you to sleep, and cuddle you when you were fussy. To share you boys with your father and sisters and dog...I love you both very much!
Love,
Mommy
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Bump Pictures
Dear Robbie,
Tonight we went to see the photographer that not only took our wedding photos, but also took some baby bump shots of me and you. The first set was when you were about 10w. The second set we couldn't find, but the last set was taken October 23rd. The differences between how much I grew in that two month period was amazing. But even more amazing was that instead of getting upset on seeing the pictures (I thought going in I was going to be so sad and missing you and your brother even more!), they comforted me.
While your dad and I were stressed about getting ready for you, and have a lot of guilt because I felt we weren't ready for you and therefore didn't enjoy the pregnancy and my time with you as I should of, the pictures soothed me. They showed a different memory. There is nothing but love and anticipation in all of the photos. And as I reflected back to the sittings, I remember each pose. What I was thinking...and it shows on my expression.
The best one, one of my favorites, is a shot of me holding you in the belly, and I am laughing. And immediately I remembered that pose...you were kicking and moving and squirming so much. We were talking about you (the photographer and I) and as we talked, you kept kicking!
Those pictures are pictures of hope, of a carefree time. I wish I would have enjoyed my pregnancy with you more and cherished each day. But I am grateful that your dad and I got these pictures taken, because today they are the best gift I could have gotten. They are a reminder of my time with you, short as it was.
I love you and I miss you so much!!! It hurts me to even admit that you would be 4 months old this month, and enjoying your first summer at the beach and pool. Sitting up, and starting to play with your sisters and dog.
I wish you were here with us!
I love you!
Mommy
Tonight we went to see the photographer that not only took our wedding photos, but also took some baby bump shots of me and you. The first set was when you were about 10w. The second set we couldn't find, but the last set was taken October 23rd. The differences between how much I grew in that two month period was amazing. But even more amazing was that instead of getting upset on seeing the pictures (I thought going in I was going to be so sad and missing you and your brother even more!), they comforted me.
While your dad and I were stressed about getting ready for you, and have a lot of guilt because I felt we weren't ready for you and therefore didn't enjoy the pregnancy and my time with you as I should of, the pictures soothed me. They showed a different memory. There is nothing but love and anticipation in all of the photos. And as I reflected back to the sittings, I remember each pose. What I was thinking...and it shows on my expression.
The best one, one of my favorites, is a shot of me holding you in the belly, and I am laughing. And immediately I remembered that pose...you were kicking and moving and squirming so much. We were talking about you (the photographer and I) and as we talked, you kept kicking!
Those pictures are pictures of hope, of a carefree time. I wish I would have enjoyed my pregnancy with you more and cherished each day. But I am grateful that your dad and I got these pictures taken, because today they are the best gift I could have gotten. They are a reminder of my time with you, short as it was.
I love you and I miss you so much!!! It hurts me to even admit that you would be 4 months old this month, and enjoying your first summer at the beach and pool. Sitting up, and starting to play with your sisters and dog.
I wish you were here with us!
I love you!
Mommy
Saturday, July 9, 2011
1 month
Dear Rango,
It's been 1 month since I last felt you kicking and squirming. It's been a fast month, but unbearably slow as well. Just like I can still remember what it felt like when Robbie kicked, you were a different kind of mover. You were subtle. You would make little bumps against me that I would feel. We were just starting to be able to feel you kick from the outside. That's how I know you were still alive as I got ready for work that fateful morning. I know you were squirming as I was getting ready. I don't know when your heart stopped beating, at what point during the day. I don't want to know when.
Your daddy thinks my premonition Wednesday night was your way of telling me something was wrong. I couldn't stop crying and I was so scared something was happening. I just kept seeing the same scene over and over...we were in the delivery room, and the doctor had delivered you, but I was bleeding uncontrollably. And then it would go black. But you were okay--you were with your daddy. The doctors were working on me. But 24 hrs later, you were gone, not me. I regret not taking the doppler out that morning before work--I had done it so many other mornings. But I know you were moving. But it would have been the last time we heard your heartbeat.
We miss you (and your brother) so much. Your sisters still cry over both of you. I cry every day...I relive those moments when I knew you weren't moving and they were busy checking my placenta on the ultrasound. By the time they went to check your heartbeat, I already knew. My worst nightmare coming true again.
I am grateful we spent the time we had with you. That we did cherish every moment, and made you a part of the family even before we could hold you. I don't regret any minute of that. The doctor says if I do get pregnant again, it would be normal and expected of me not to bond with the next baby. But while I understand why I would do that, I also know that your daddy and I cherish every day we had with you.
We miss you and love you!
Love,
Mommy
It's been 1 month since I last felt you kicking and squirming. It's been a fast month, but unbearably slow as well. Just like I can still remember what it felt like when Robbie kicked, you were a different kind of mover. You were subtle. You would make little bumps against me that I would feel. We were just starting to be able to feel you kick from the outside. That's how I know you were still alive as I got ready for work that fateful morning. I know you were squirming as I was getting ready. I don't know when your heart stopped beating, at what point during the day. I don't want to know when.
Your daddy thinks my premonition Wednesday night was your way of telling me something was wrong. I couldn't stop crying and I was so scared something was happening. I just kept seeing the same scene over and over...we were in the delivery room, and the doctor had delivered you, but I was bleeding uncontrollably. And then it would go black. But you were okay--you were with your daddy. The doctors were working on me. But 24 hrs later, you were gone, not me. I regret not taking the doppler out that morning before work--I had done it so many other mornings. But I know you were moving. But it would have been the last time we heard your heartbeat.
We miss you (and your brother) so much. Your sisters still cry over both of you. I cry every day...I relive those moments when I knew you weren't moving and they were busy checking my placenta on the ultrasound. By the time they went to check your heartbeat, I already knew. My worst nightmare coming true again.
I am grateful we spent the time we had with you. That we did cherish every moment, and made you a part of the family even before we could hold you. I don't regret any minute of that. The doctor says if I do get pregnant again, it would be normal and expected of me not to bond with the next baby. But while I understand why I would do that, I also know that your daddy and I cherish every day we had with you.
We miss you and love you!
Love,
Mommy
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Thinking of you today
Dear Boys,
Today was the first day that I was able to be alone. And by alone I mean no phone, no body talking to me, just me and my thoughts, and wanting to have some quiet time with you. But since I was driving to the doctors, every time I tried to think of either of you, I got very emotional, and started to cry. So needless to say, I turned up the radio and just sang. What else could I do? I know both of you listened to my wonderful radio singing...and you knew how it would calm me down.
Your dad has your sisters looking for pennies now. He found one at the ice cream stand last night. And he went searching around for the other one. Your sisters wanted to know what he was looking for...and I explained it to them. So now they are looking for pennies, if you can spare a few for them.
Your sisters are also asking a lot of questions about you boys today. I'm answering them the best I can, but I know they miss you both, and really want a baby brother. Instead of a funeral for Rango, your sisters want to have a party instead. What do you think about that? If we release balloons, will you catch them for us (and share them with your friends up there? I know you must be playing with Arianna and your other little friends, and your great grandparents!). It does make me a little happier knowing that you two have each other, and have other friends to play with.
I miss you both. I love you both.
Love,
Mommy
Today was the first day that I was able to be alone. And by alone I mean no phone, no body talking to me, just me and my thoughts, and wanting to have some quiet time with you. But since I was driving to the doctors, every time I tried to think of either of you, I got very emotional, and started to cry. So needless to say, I turned up the radio and just sang. What else could I do? I know both of you listened to my wonderful radio singing...and you knew how it would calm me down.
Your dad has your sisters looking for pennies now. He found one at the ice cream stand last night. And he went searching around for the other one. Your sisters wanted to know what he was looking for...and I explained it to them. So now they are looking for pennies, if you can spare a few for them.
Your sisters are also asking a lot of questions about you boys today. I'm answering them the best I can, but I know they miss you both, and really want a baby brother. Instead of a funeral for Rango, your sisters want to have a party instead. What do you think about that? If we release balloons, will you catch them for us (and share them with your friends up there? I know you must be playing with Arianna and your other little friends, and your great grandparents!). It does make me a little happier knowing that you two have each other, and have other friends to play with.
I miss you both. I love you both.
Love,
Mommy
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Dear Boys...
Thank you for the two pennies we found in the airport yesterday. Again, your dad found them before I noticed. But he told me he looks for them. He also found only one at the resort before we left Florida...I told him one of you must not have been paying attention, or was slacking off. Now I think it was just in a spot we couldn't see.
And I know its silly, but the lizards always seemed to come out as I walked--instead of running away, they would watch me carefully. Did either of you have anything to do with that? I've never been able to look at and examine a lizard quite that carefully! I told your daddy I think you two are watching over me.
But when we were walking on the beach, talking about trying for another baby (your dad is ready, I'm not.), we both found the same exact type of shell at the same time, and the only difference is that one was bigger than the other. I know you boys are trying to communicate with us, and you both need to know how much that means to me and your dad. There isn't a day that goes by that we don't think of you, and miss you both so much. Rango, we got your pictures yesterday in the mail. Your dad and I want to put them all in a frame. Robbie, your ultrasounds will go first, then Rango's ultrasound and one of the pictures from when we could hold him.
We love you both so much, and miss you so much!
Love,
Mommy
And I know its silly, but the lizards always seemed to come out as I walked--instead of running away, they would watch me carefully. Did either of you have anything to do with that? I've never been able to look at and examine a lizard quite that carefully! I told your daddy I think you two are watching over me.
But when we were walking on the beach, talking about trying for another baby (your dad is ready, I'm not.), we both found the same exact type of shell at the same time, and the only difference is that one was bigger than the other. I know you boys are trying to communicate with us, and you both need to know how much that means to me and your dad. There isn't a day that goes by that we don't think of you, and miss you both so much. Rango, we got your pictures yesterday in the mail. Your dad and I want to put them all in a frame. Robbie, your ultrasounds will go first, then Rango's ultrasound and one of the pictures from when we could hold him.
We love you both so much, and miss you so much!
Love,
Mommy
Monday, June 20, 2011
It feels like not only has a scab been removed, but cut open and cut deeper. I thought after Robbie died my heart couldn't shatter anymore. I thought I couldn't hurt that badly once the scab began to heal. But I was wrong. Now I am mourning two sons, not just one. And all the while I compare myself to where I was this time with Robbie (weight wise, emotional wise, how capable I was of leaving the house at certain days after the d & e). And I feel guilt because I feel like this new hurt about Rango is overshadowing the grief for Robbie that is still present. That while I want either, (preferably both) of my boys with me, I know that Robbie didn't come back, and neither will Rango.
This pain, this grief is indescribable. There aren't words to express what I am thinking or feeling.
This pain, this grief is indescribable. There aren't words to express what I am thinking or feeling.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Take care of your brother
Dear Robbie,
Today you met your little brother, Rango. I hope you two don't fight like your older sisters! Please play with him, and be nice to him. You two are both very special to me, and my heart is broken that I will never be able to hold either of you. But I am glad that you two will have each other. I hope that one day I will be able to play with you two finally, but for now, get to know each other and love each other. Know that your mommy and daddy and all of your great big family love you and miss you! We would give anything to have you with us and your sisters.
You will both always be my little boys. I love you Robbie! Give your brother a hug and a kiss everyday from me.
Love,
Mommy
Today you met your little brother, Rango. I hope you two don't fight like your older sisters! Please play with him, and be nice to him. You two are both very special to me, and my heart is broken that I will never be able to hold either of you. But I am glad that you two will have each other. I hope that one day I will be able to play with you two finally, but for now, get to know each other and love each other. Know that your mommy and daddy and all of your great big family love you and miss you! We would give anything to have you with us and your sisters.
You will both always be my little boys. I love you Robbie! Give your brother a hug and a kiss everyday from me.
Love,
Mommy
Sunday, June 5, 2011
This is my 4th pregnancy
At a wedding Friday night, several people came up and asked me when I was due. Which was followed by was this my first pregnancy/child. To be honest, while I knew this question would get asked, I wasn't prepared to answer it completely. I knew, and have been answering that this is my 4th pregnancy, and I have two little girls at home. A few people gave me an odd look, as I could see they were crunching the numbers in their heads. 2 girls at one, one due in October, there was 1 child missing.
But lucky for me my husband was right next to me, and while I had decided 1) it wasn't anybody's business about our third child 2) it was a happy occasion, and I would not be the downer in the guest list, my husband wasn't bashful at all. In fact, it was the first time I've ever seen him initiate Robbie's story. To anyone. I was so touched, and so emotional, at how he talked about Robbie and what happened, and answered the questions as guests asked (to be fair, they were strangers to me, but they knew my husband).
The next day, as I reflected on this, my husband wanted to go to the cemetery where we planted the tree for Robbie, to make sure it was doing okay. It was too much for me emotionally to handle. I was in tears as we drove through the cemetery, knowing how much my husband loves his soon Robbie, and how much we miss him. We are looking forward to Rango, and already love him so much. But to know that Robbie is so close to us every day, and that neither one of us will forget him, is so bittersweet and heartwrenching.
And for the first time I realized how much not just I have changed, but how he has changed as well, and how our marriage has grown. I was forced to finally look outside of how this affected me, to how it affected my husband, and how we interact. And seeing him talk about Robbie and initiate going to the cemetery made me realize how grateful I am for such an amazing husband. He didn't shut me out, when he could have. We grieve together (because I don't think we'll ever stop grieving for what should have been), we celebrate together, and we remember together.
But lucky for me my husband was right next to me, and while I had decided 1) it wasn't anybody's business about our third child 2) it was a happy occasion, and I would not be the downer in the guest list, my husband wasn't bashful at all. In fact, it was the first time I've ever seen him initiate Robbie's story. To anyone. I was so touched, and so emotional, at how he talked about Robbie and what happened, and answered the questions as guests asked (to be fair, they were strangers to me, but they knew my husband).
The next day, as I reflected on this, my husband wanted to go to the cemetery where we planted the tree for Robbie, to make sure it was doing okay. It was too much for me emotionally to handle. I was in tears as we drove through the cemetery, knowing how much my husband loves his soon Robbie, and how much we miss him. We are looking forward to Rango, and already love him so much. But to know that Robbie is so close to us every day, and that neither one of us will forget him, is so bittersweet and heartwrenching.
And for the first time I realized how much not just I have changed, but how he has changed as well, and how our marriage has grown. I was forced to finally look outside of how this affected me, to how it affected my husband, and how we interact. And seeing him talk about Robbie and initiate going to the cemetery made me realize how grateful I am for such an amazing husband. He didn't shut me out, when he could have. We grieve together (because I don't think we'll ever stop grieving for what should have been), we celebrate together, and we remember together.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
When One Door Closes....
I have to say in the last 6 months this expression, or anything similar to it, has become my most despised "words of comfort". To realize that 6 months ago our lives were exposed to the extreme grief and darkness that follows a loss such as ours (while it was a stillbirth, he was still our little boy), and didn't know how to make it through day by day, being here today and still standing is amazing. Mario and I have prioritized, making our family first, and limiting how much stress can come from work. Maybe this was more of a lesson for me than him. But it still hurts to think that we should have a 2 month old right now. I am grateful for Rango. For our opportunity to have another child, that maybe Robbie just wasn't "finished" yet. Today we took a tree (dwarf tree) and planted it by my husband's grandparents grave (Robbie's namesakes are his great-grandfathers...Robert for Mario's grandfather, and Francis for mine). It was emotional, and sad, but we knew we had to do it. We had been putting it off for too long. I thought the 6th month anniversary was appropriate. Just every time we remember that scab gets ripped off again. But as we watered the tree, and cried, the sun did break through. We came home, took the dog to park and let him swim in the lake, and then came home and got cleaned up.
But I have yet to see what good is coming from Robbie's death. Or what door is going to open next...it doesn't make sense--still.
I also learned this week that my district is non-renewing me for next school year. Ouch. Not completely unexpected, but to think of everything we've been through, and what a support system this school has been during these last 6 months, it was still a bit of a shock when I was called in for the conference on Wednesday.
But, this is where the constant support and people hugging me may have made it worse for me. They kept saying that this shouldn't have happened, but something good would come out of it.
So, here's my train of thought: Right now I would be on maternity leave. In December/January I would have been at work, so any of the situations that did come up while I was out grieving, wouldn't have existed and would have been handled by me immediately. If Robbie was here, I would still be returning to work in the fall in the same district. If Robbie didn't die, I wouldn't be here right now, staring at unemployment and another non-renewal. And I am struggling to see how these last 6 months were meant to have good come from all the events that occurred.
Can't I just get a break? Why is it those who aren't nice and lie always seem to get ahead, and those of us who do the right thing and work hard get trampled? Why was it my baby that died? I just don't understand life. And while I have been through trials throughout my entire life, I think at this point I am just tired and hurt and want things to happen easily just once. Why can't life be fair just once in someone's life?
But I have yet to see what good is coming from Robbie's death. Or what door is going to open next...it doesn't make sense--still.
I also learned this week that my district is non-renewing me for next school year. Ouch. Not completely unexpected, but to think of everything we've been through, and what a support system this school has been during these last 6 months, it was still a bit of a shock when I was called in for the conference on Wednesday.
But, this is where the constant support and people hugging me may have made it worse for me. They kept saying that this shouldn't have happened, but something good would come out of it.
So, here's my train of thought: Right now I would be on maternity leave. In December/January I would have been at work, so any of the situations that did come up while I was out grieving, wouldn't have existed and would have been handled by me immediately. If Robbie was here, I would still be returning to work in the fall in the same district. If Robbie didn't die, I wouldn't be here right now, staring at unemployment and another non-renewal. And I am struggling to see how these last 6 months were meant to have good come from all the events that occurred.
Can't I just get a break? Why is it those who aren't nice and lie always seem to get ahead, and those of us who do the right thing and work hard get trampled? Why was it my baby that died? I just don't understand life. And while I have been through trials throughout my entire life, I think at this point I am just tired and hurt and want things to happen easily just once. Why can't life be fair just once in someone's life?
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Bittersweetness
There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of Robbie. What he would be doing right now, what we would be doing right now, what milestones he would have made. And each day brought with it a new set of challenges. One of the biggest challenges I've had is talking to/looking at/ acknowledging anyone who was pregnant while I was pregnant, due around Robbie's due date, or just plain are inconsiderate about how they act during their pregnancy (meaning complaining about the aches and pains of it, not realizing I would give anything to have felt the 3rd trimester, even late 2nd trimester pains and uncomfortableness instead of this empty ache in my heart).
And I've felt very guilty about this--babies are a wonderful gift and should be celebrated. It saddens me to think of those women that think having a baby is a competition, and they can be the only ones pregnant at that time. We should all be so lucky to have healthy pregnancies at the same time! I thought this was even before we lost Robbie. I think even more so now. So the fact that I couldn't look at several women I work with that were pregnant (b/c they would complain in earshot of me about how they didn't fit into anything, and how fat they were, and other normal complaints), because I was so sensitive.
But this week I learned that a friend, someone who checked in on me while I was home from work grieving, is finally pregnant! And she is super excited, and for some reason, I am excited and happy too! And while all my fear isn't instantly gone, I feel a bit hopeful about my own pregnancy this time. You know how they say misery loves company? Maybe her happiness and ability to enjoy her pregnancy and not worry will rub off on me! I was just relieved to see that I am moving past this intolerance of other pregnant women. I know its unreasonable, and I don't know every woman's backstory--I'm sure that some women have stories just like mine. But I am seeing this as a sign of healing, of moving forward.
I will never forget my son, my first son. And not a day goes by that I don't wonder what he looked like, what his personality would be. But to know he is in my heart, and I can move on and be happy with the short time I was allowed to be his mom, is okay. Its taking baby steps, but its better than staying in the abyss forever.
There is hope, and the sorrow does lessen. It will never go away---but it will change.
And I've felt very guilty about this--babies are a wonderful gift and should be celebrated. It saddens me to think of those women that think having a baby is a competition, and they can be the only ones pregnant at that time. We should all be so lucky to have healthy pregnancies at the same time! I thought this was even before we lost Robbie. I think even more so now. So the fact that I couldn't look at several women I work with that were pregnant (b/c they would complain in earshot of me about how they didn't fit into anything, and how fat they were, and other normal complaints), because I was so sensitive.
But this week I learned that a friend, someone who checked in on me while I was home from work grieving, is finally pregnant! And she is super excited, and for some reason, I am excited and happy too! And while all my fear isn't instantly gone, I feel a bit hopeful about my own pregnancy this time. You know how they say misery loves company? Maybe her happiness and ability to enjoy her pregnancy and not worry will rub off on me! I was just relieved to see that I am moving past this intolerance of other pregnant women. I know its unreasonable, and I don't know every woman's backstory--I'm sure that some women have stories just like mine. But I am seeing this as a sign of healing, of moving forward.
I will never forget my son, my first son. And not a day goes by that I don't wonder what he looked like, what his personality would be. But to know he is in my heart, and I can move on and be happy with the short time I was allowed to be his mom, is okay. Its taking baby steps, but its better than staying in the abyss forever.
There is hope, and the sorrow does lessen. It will never go away---but it will change.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Missed Firsts...
I've been meaning to write more, but I have been keeping so busy to keep my mind occupied. But I just had to get this out....
I was shopping for my girls' Easter baskets in Target last week, and I always get the same thing, bathing suits and summer pjs. And as I went by the infant section, I realized that today should have been Robbie's first Easter. His first Easter basket, his first Easter egg hunt. And while I am grateful for the little baby growing now, it still stung that my baby boy isn't here today. At church, I saw all these new infants with their families, and I started to cry several times. I should also be holding my baby. But my arms were empty.
And to think I thought the next hardest date would be in November. But I am starting to realize that Mother's Day will be hard, and Father's Day will be too. Then will be July 4th weekend--a special day for me and my husband. I just wish there was some way to fast forward through the heartache....
I was shopping for my girls' Easter baskets in Target last week, and I always get the same thing, bathing suits and summer pjs. And as I went by the infant section, I realized that today should have been Robbie's first Easter. His first Easter basket, his first Easter egg hunt. And while I am grateful for the little baby growing now, it still stung that my baby boy isn't here today. At church, I saw all these new infants with their families, and I started to cry several times. I should also be holding my baby. But my arms were empty.
And to think I thought the next hardest date would be in November. But I am starting to realize that Mother's Day will be hard, and Father's Day will be too. Then will be July 4th weekend--a special day for me and my husband. I just wish there was some way to fast forward through the heartache....
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Today has to be one of the worse days since I've been back to work. And like usual my students are not the issue. I need to vent, because I am sitting here crying I am so upset. The issues that were at play today deal more with situations that occurred after Robbie died, and I just want to know if I am staying at Clearview, or if I have to mentally prepare myself for moving on and making other plans next year.
For starters, let's just remind ourselves that it doesn't matter that I am pregnant--I cannot deal with pregnant women. It still upsets me. So I am on permanent baby bump watch so that I know who to avoid. Seriously, I am not kidding around with this. I will turn and walk out of my way if I even think for a second I'll have to have a conversation or say hello to a pregnant woman. So I knew that one of my co-workers who was recently married would probably be starting a family soon, nevermind that people did tell me that she was trying. I don't know this woman, she and I honestly have always clashed, so I make sure I avoid her at all costs anyway. She is one of the few people in my department who has my supervisor's ear, and the only person he'll listen too. And he asks her for her opinions of me, who she doesn't know!!!! So yes, when I returned to work, I was on baby bump watch for my own emotional health. And about a month ago, the bump and pregnancy look to her was evident. The next fear was that my supervisor, who is completely insensitive and clueless (and doesn't care if he upsets me, as long as this unnamed co-worker is happy), would announce her pregnancy at a department meeting. So I asked my friends to let me know if she was, or if they knew the announcement was coming so that I could excuse myself from the meeting. I didn't want to get upset, and secondly, take away from her joy in that moment by having to flee the room.
But once I knew (again about 2-4 weeks ago) because, well, she looks pregnant--there's a bump, her face is different, I just began to avoid her at all costs. There are 2 other women at work I avoid, and honestly, I'm sorry if they are offended, but I have to do what is best for me right now.
So, yesterday, I shared my news with a teacher who was suspicious that I was pregnant again, and she slipped and said something about this pregnant teacher. Well, the pregnant teacher found out and was furious. My friend, who was caught up in the middle of it, wanted to try to make things better, but only got more upset it seemed. I decided, since I was the one who found out the news and wasn't supposed to know anyway, to go down and tell her that I already knew because she was showing. Wow, I was not prepared for the bitchiness that came from her for no reason!!! And that people defended her reasoning, I'm sorry but that is no excuse to unleash like that on someone. Please know that I just didn't come right out and say that I knew, but I tried to ease into it. I got a lecture on how its her private and personal life, and she doesn't like people talking about her behind her back (well, we see how well I listened to that wish by her), and she went on and on. I explained that no one was being mean, but it slipped, and it wasn't anything I didn't already know. She said she didn't appreciate that I talked to someone about if she was pregnant or not (trying to see if I had to avoid her), and it wasn't my business. I agreed and told her it wasn't, and it has/had nothing to do with me, and I honestly don't care if she is or isn't, but it is obvious she is because she is showing. So whether she likes it or not, people are going to say things. She continued to lash out, and when she was done she turned around and told me I can come in when I want to observe her--like I have any desire to go in and observe her now--the pregnant bitch!!!
So on top of this, because apparently this is "If you are pregnant come and annoy me Day", the other co-worker, who is also pregnant, went behind my back and went to my supervisor (who is avoiding me and not returning emails or making himself available to meet with me), with my ideas!!!! I am fighting for my job right now...after Robbie, some people were incredibly insensitive and the things that happened while I was home waiting for the d & e, and even after, would just make your skin curl. It was inappropriate and ill-timed to say the least. So after I returned things got worse with him, and I had to file a grievance against him. After a conference, I thought things were improving, but he still has yet to come observe me or meet with me (November 12 was the last time I was observed).
Okay...rant over. I miss Robbie, and I want things to go back the way they were before.
I don't want to not be able to be around pregnant women-I don't feel good about myself that that's what I have to do to protect myself emotionally. Just saying....
For starters, let's just remind ourselves that it doesn't matter that I am pregnant--I cannot deal with pregnant women. It still upsets me. So I am on permanent baby bump watch so that I know who to avoid. Seriously, I am not kidding around with this. I will turn and walk out of my way if I even think for a second I'll have to have a conversation or say hello to a pregnant woman. So I knew that one of my co-workers who was recently married would probably be starting a family soon, nevermind that people did tell me that she was trying. I don't know this woman, she and I honestly have always clashed, so I make sure I avoid her at all costs anyway. She is one of the few people in my department who has my supervisor's ear, and the only person he'll listen too. And he asks her for her opinions of me, who she doesn't know!!!! So yes, when I returned to work, I was on baby bump watch for my own emotional health. And about a month ago, the bump and pregnancy look to her was evident. The next fear was that my supervisor, who is completely insensitive and clueless (and doesn't care if he upsets me, as long as this unnamed co-worker is happy), would announce her pregnancy at a department meeting. So I asked my friends to let me know if she was, or if they knew the announcement was coming so that I could excuse myself from the meeting. I didn't want to get upset, and secondly, take away from her joy in that moment by having to flee the room.
But once I knew (again about 2-4 weeks ago) because, well, she looks pregnant--there's a bump, her face is different, I just began to avoid her at all costs. There are 2 other women at work I avoid, and honestly, I'm sorry if they are offended, but I have to do what is best for me right now.
So, yesterday, I shared my news with a teacher who was suspicious that I was pregnant again, and she slipped and said something about this pregnant teacher. Well, the pregnant teacher found out and was furious. My friend, who was caught up in the middle of it, wanted to try to make things better, but only got more upset it seemed. I decided, since I was the one who found out the news and wasn't supposed to know anyway, to go down and tell her that I already knew because she was showing. Wow, I was not prepared for the bitchiness that came from her for no reason!!! And that people defended her reasoning, I'm sorry but that is no excuse to unleash like that on someone. Please know that I just didn't come right out and say that I knew, but I tried to ease into it. I got a lecture on how its her private and personal life, and she doesn't like people talking about her behind her back (well, we see how well I listened to that wish by her), and she went on and on. I explained that no one was being mean, but it slipped, and it wasn't anything I didn't already know. She said she didn't appreciate that I talked to someone about if she was pregnant or not (trying to see if I had to avoid her), and it wasn't my business. I agreed and told her it wasn't, and it has/had nothing to do with me, and I honestly don't care if she is or isn't, but it is obvious she is because she is showing. So whether she likes it or not, people are going to say things. She continued to lash out, and when she was done she turned around and told me I can come in when I want to observe her--like I have any desire to go in and observe her now--the pregnant bitch!!!
So on top of this, because apparently this is "If you are pregnant come and annoy me Day", the other co-worker, who is also pregnant, went behind my back and went to my supervisor (who is avoiding me and not returning emails or making himself available to meet with me), with my ideas!!!! I am fighting for my job right now...after Robbie, some people were incredibly insensitive and the things that happened while I was home waiting for the d & e, and even after, would just make your skin curl. It was inappropriate and ill-timed to say the least. So after I returned things got worse with him, and I had to file a grievance against him. After a conference, I thought things were improving, but he still has yet to come observe me or meet with me (November 12 was the last time I was observed).
Okay...rant over. I miss Robbie, and I want things to go back the way they were before.
I don't want to not be able to be around pregnant women-I don't feel good about myself that that's what I have to do to protect myself emotionally. Just saying....
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Thank you Picture People
I came home yesterday to a coupon from Picture People to start recording those memories right when we take our baby home from the hospital. I've been fortunate because my husband has been hiding all the diaper and formula information and samples that come our way. But of course, I get this one.
I don't think it mattered how much I read and sympathized with those who had EDD of angel babies. I wasn't prepared in the least for the onslaught of emotions I had, starting with my dreams last night. Last night when I went to bed, I wasn't looking forward to the morning, but I thought I'd handle it ok. I mean, I'm not crying as often as I used too. My heart still aches, but it is becoming bearable.
But last night, throughout the night I had disjointed dreams. All centered around me, my husband, doctors, Robbie, and our Rango. They were odd, short, and disturbing. I would wake up crying, shaking, or just had a bad feeling I couldn't shake. By the time the alarm sounded at 5:30, I was more exhausted than when I went to bed, and I know I had slept! One dream in particular had me and Mario at my Ob/Gyn's office, and they wanted to do a new test on the baby (Rango), called the Luteal Phase test. Not to get graphic but it was like I picture a d & e, without any blood. In the dream they told me it was to ensure that the new baby was safe and not sick. I'm sure part was imagination, but I think my subconscious was on over drive. Like when my body refused to let me lose the baby weight because it thought I was still pregnant, I think my subconscious knew that today I should have been giving birth (granted via c-section). I don't know.
But between 5:30 and 6:30 I couldn't move. I was crying, and my husband was doing everything he could to console me. I knew I was going to be late to work, but I couldn't will myself to move, or stop getting upset. I called work at 6:50 to let them know I needed homeroom coverage, and I allowed myself time to get ready and stop for moments of crying. To say today was difficult is an understatement. I still don't know how I made it the entire day without leaving.
It felt like a scab had been ripped off, and I was raw with emotions again. Any little thing triggered tears. I tried to keep busy but there were moments of calm and quiet that unfortunately started my thoughts of how Robbie should be here, in my arms. By the end of the day, after many hugs and co-workers (and some students) checking on me, I survived. I made it home.
I know this is just another milestone, and this year will be filled with them. I just miss my son so much, and wish I could have seen him, see what he looked like, and held him, even for just a moment.
Robbie I love you so much, and I know you are watching over us. While today is really not your birthday, it was the date we had marked on our calendars that we were going to meet you. I can't wait to meet you in heaven. But for now, have fun with Daddy's grandparents and my Poppop--I'm sure they can tell you about us! Your sisters miss you too! Love, Mommy
I don't think it mattered how much I read and sympathized with those who had EDD of angel babies. I wasn't prepared in the least for the onslaught of emotions I had, starting with my dreams last night. Last night when I went to bed, I wasn't looking forward to the morning, but I thought I'd handle it ok. I mean, I'm not crying as often as I used too. My heart still aches, but it is becoming bearable.
But last night, throughout the night I had disjointed dreams. All centered around me, my husband, doctors, Robbie, and our Rango. They were odd, short, and disturbing. I would wake up crying, shaking, or just had a bad feeling I couldn't shake. By the time the alarm sounded at 5:30, I was more exhausted than when I went to bed, and I know I had slept! One dream in particular had me and Mario at my Ob/Gyn's office, and they wanted to do a new test on the baby (Rango), called the Luteal Phase test. Not to get graphic but it was like I picture a d & e, without any blood. In the dream they told me it was to ensure that the new baby was safe and not sick. I'm sure part was imagination, but I think my subconscious was on over drive. Like when my body refused to let me lose the baby weight because it thought I was still pregnant, I think my subconscious knew that today I should have been giving birth (granted via c-section). I don't know.
But between 5:30 and 6:30 I couldn't move. I was crying, and my husband was doing everything he could to console me. I knew I was going to be late to work, but I couldn't will myself to move, or stop getting upset. I called work at 6:50 to let them know I needed homeroom coverage, and I allowed myself time to get ready and stop for moments of crying. To say today was difficult is an understatement. I still don't know how I made it the entire day without leaving.
It felt like a scab had been ripped off, and I was raw with emotions again. Any little thing triggered tears. I tried to keep busy but there were moments of calm and quiet that unfortunately started my thoughts of how Robbie should be here, in my arms. By the end of the day, after many hugs and co-workers (and some students) checking on me, I survived. I made it home.
I know this is just another milestone, and this year will be filled with them. I just miss my son so much, and wish I could have seen him, see what he looked like, and held him, even for just a moment.
Robbie I love you so much, and I know you are watching over us. While today is really not your birthday, it was the date we had marked on our calendars that we were going to meet you. I can't wait to meet you in heaven. But for now, have fun with Daddy's grandparents and my Poppop--I'm sure they can tell you about us! Your sisters miss you too! Love, Mommy
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Apparently I have lost all track of dates!
My apologies (but at the same time I guess a date is just a date)....the 22nd is Tuesday, not Monday....i guess i'm just anxious about it, and while I don't want it to be over, I want it to get here....
Saturday, March 19, 2011
What I Should Be Doing....
As I was getting agitated at my supervisor in an impromptu meeting on Thursday it dawned on me that Thursday would have be, in most likelihood, my last day of work before maternity leave. So while I listened to help demonstrate a lesson on "being able to walk through a hole in a piece of paper), inside I wanted to just scream. But I didn't. I walked out, and went to class and taught my freshmen as if nothing was wrong. Yesterday I should have been at the hospital doing all of my pre-op work, then running around doing little things to get the nursery ready. Instead, I went to work (thank God I do love my job), then came home to meet the exterminator about our ant problem. Today we went out and ran errands, one of which was trying to return the stroller system that arrived damaged from Target.
I know I wanted to originally do something special on the due date (I was torn b/c while the due date was the 28th, the c-section was scheduled for the 22nd). But the more I thought about it the more I realized that the due date meant nothing except past hopes and dreams. And it was best for us to just continue to move on and heal.
But that doesn't make this weekend any easier. I am dreading Monday will all my heart. And I'm not sure, except for my blogging followers, that anyone else realizes how much my heart hurts right now, and how big of a day this is. I know there is so much to look forward too, but its hard to just forget what was supposed to be.
Robbie, I miss you so much and really wish that we could meet you on Monday. I love you! Mommy
I know I wanted to originally do something special on the due date (I was torn b/c while the due date was the 28th, the c-section was scheduled for the 22nd). But the more I thought about it the more I realized that the due date meant nothing except past hopes and dreams. And it was best for us to just continue to move on and heal.
But that doesn't make this weekend any easier. I am dreading Monday will all my heart. And I'm not sure, except for my blogging followers, that anyone else realizes how much my heart hurts right now, and how big of a day this is. I know there is so much to look forward too, but its hard to just forget what was supposed to be.
Robbie, I miss you so much and really wish that we could meet you on Monday. I love you! Mommy
Sunday, March 13, 2011
4 months
I was at a bridal shower today, and it dawned on me that not only has it been 4 months since our little boy's demise, but next Monday was my scheduled c-section. It was a happy, fun shower for a dear friend (well, friend of my husband's since high school, and i've gotten to know her too). and i hated the fact that one comment was made at the table i was sitting at, and it had my mind just swirling with emotions.
On the way home I listened to Pearl Jam, and the song "Just Breathe" came on. Its funny how things have taken on new meaning. I could have sworn 4 months and 1 day ago I took this song one way, but today as I listened to it, it spoke to me and my tears.
On the way home I listened to Pearl Jam, and the song "Just Breathe" came on. Its funny how things have taken on new meaning. I could have sworn 4 months and 1 day ago I took this song one way, but today as I listened to it, it spoke to me and my tears.
"Yes I understand that every life must end, aw huh,..
As we sit alone, I know someday we must go, aw huh,..
I’m a lucky man to count on both hands
The ones I love,..
As we sit alone, I know someday we must go, aw huh,..
I’m a lucky man to count on both hands
The ones I love,..
Some folks just have one,
Others they got none, aw huh,..
Others they got none, aw huh,..
Stay with me,..
Let’s just breathe.
Let’s just breathe.
Practiced are my sins,
Never gonna let me win, aw huh,..
Under everything, just another human being, aw huh,..
Yeh, I don’t wanna hurt, there’s so much in this world
To make me bleed.
Never gonna let me win, aw huh,..
Under everything, just another human being, aw huh,..
Yeh, I don’t wanna hurt, there’s so much in this world
To make me bleed.
Stay with me,..
You’re all I see.
You’re all I see.
Did I say that I need you?
Did I say that I want you?
Oh, if I didn’t now I’m a fool you see,..
No one knows this more than me.
As I come clean.
Did I say that I want you?
Oh, if I didn’t now I’m a fool you see,..
No one knows this more than me.
As I come clean.
I wonder everyday
as I look upon your face, aw huh,..
Everything you gave
And nothing you would take, aw huh,..
Nothing you would take,..
Everything you gave.
as I look upon your face, aw huh,..
Everything you gave
And nothing you would take, aw huh,..
Nothing you would take,..
Everything you gave.
Did I say that I need you?
Oh, Did I say that I want you?
Oh, if I didn’t now I’m a fool you see,..
No one know this more than me.
As I come clean.
Oh, Did I say that I want you?
Oh, if I didn’t now I’m a fool you see,..
No one know this more than me.
As I come clean.
Nothing you would take,..
everything you gave.
Hold me till I die,..
Meet you on the other side."
everything you gave.
Hold me till I die,..
Meet you on the other side."
There's no more words for today...I'm sure i'm entering into a very difficult week.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Remembering Robbie
Of course Robbie has been on my mind a lot lately. The fact that he would have been joining us in just 21 short days. That while I've been through morning sickness already and didn't have my baby to take home, I get to go through it again, during what I know will be one of my roughest months ever. I've already decided that this blog is dedicated to the memory of my son, and to chart my walk while I learn to live with my grief. Maybe our little firefly will have a blog. But I will only mention my pregnancy as it pertains to my healing, and adjusting to the fact that my little boy won't be coming home with us on March 22nd (the scheduled c-section date).
I've spoken with my mom, my husband, and two friends about my dilemma about taking a personal day on Robbie's due date. I felt very conflicted. On one hand, I don't want to minimize our loss, and ignore the fact that that date (well, a date around it) would be his birthday. But on the other I can rationalize that like so many other mothers (I think of mom's with preemies), sometimes our little ones don't make it to their due date. Our babies chose their own birthdate. And Robbie has his. Not in the way we thought, or imagined. But the dates November 14th, November 17th and November 24th will always be the dates associated with our son. Not March 22nd or 28th. So while we will do something on that day, I don't think staying at home, reflecting on what should have been, is healthy or necessary. Nor does my son want me getting myself upset. So I'm not having a baby in March. I'm not 8 months pregnant. But I will be 8 months pregnant someday. I can look forward to the future. The past is the past, and its not what I wanted. But I also can't live in the past, of the "what should have been".
When my assistant superintendent and I spoke this week I mentioned this to her, and she told me how mature that was, and how far I've obviously come in my healing. But also knew that I was still going through a process, and this was just one step in a series of steps. But she acknowledged my son, and that he did exist. For someone out side of the family to acknowledge this was so touching.
I know my family will never forget Robbie--he is a part of our family, our story. Today I was talking with a co-worker about women who had 3 girls, and wanted just 1 boy, and when it was a 4th girl, they were devastated, and really neglected their daughter because she was the wrong sex. And we chatted about how people should just be grateful for a healthy child. And I mentioned how in my family, for the last 3 generations, we only had girls naturally. So something is obviously in our gene pool that chooses that x-chromosome sperm over the y-chromosome sperm...something about acidity. But she stopped me and said "But you had a boy. You had Robbie." I was stunned. I mean, I knew I had a boy. But I never thought of it like that. And that a non-family member not only reminded me, but called him by name...I was speechless.
It touched me that while I know I talk about all 3 of my children, other people are acknowledging Robbie as my boy, not just as a taboo subject (if we don't mention him then maybe she won't talk about him).
It does help me to know going into the next 22 days that while I know I will never forget my son, neither will those around me! And it doesn't matter how I choose to formally remember him. The fact that people talk about him means that he won't be forgotten!
I've spoken with my mom, my husband, and two friends about my dilemma about taking a personal day on Robbie's due date. I felt very conflicted. On one hand, I don't want to minimize our loss, and ignore the fact that that date (well, a date around it) would be his birthday. But on the other I can rationalize that like so many other mothers (I think of mom's with preemies), sometimes our little ones don't make it to their due date. Our babies chose their own birthdate. And Robbie has his. Not in the way we thought, or imagined. But the dates November 14th, November 17th and November 24th will always be the dates associated with our son. Not March 22nd or 28th. So while we will do something on that day, I don't think staying at home, reflecting on what should have been, is healthy or necessary. Nor does my son want me getting myself upset. So I'm not having a baby in March. I'm not 8 months pregnant. But I will be 8 months pregnant someday. I can look forward to the future. The past is the past, and its not what I wanted. But I also can't live in the past, of the "what should have been".
When my assistant superintendent and I spoke this week I mentioned this to her, and she told me how mature that was, and how far I've obviously come in my healing. But also knew that I was still going through a process, and this was just one step in a series of steps. But she acknowledged my son, and that he did exist. For someone out side of the family to acknowledge this was so touching.
I know my family will never forget Robbie--he is a part of our family, our story. Today I was talking with a co-worker about women who had 3 girls, and wanted just 1 boy, and when it was a 4th girl, they were devastated, and really neglected their daughter because she was the wrong sex. And we chatted about how people should just be grateful for a healthy child. And I mentioned how in my family, for the last 3 generations, we only had girls naturally. So something is obviously in our gene pool that chooses that x-chromosome sperm over the y-chromosome sperm...something about acidity. But she stopped me and said "But you had a boy. You had Robbie." I was stunned. I mean, I knew I had a boy. But I never thought of it like that. And that a non-family member not only reminded me, but called him by name...I was speechless.
It touched me that while I know I talk about all 3 of my children, other people are acknowledging Robbie as my boy, not just as a taboo subject (if we don't mention him then maybe she won't talk about him).
It does help me to know going into the next 22 days that while I know I will never forget my son, neither will those around me! And it doesn't matter how I choose to formally remember him. The fact that people talk about him means that he won't be forgotten!
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