Dear Robbie,
Tonight we went to see the photographer that not only took our wedding photos, but also took some baby bump shots of me and you. The first set was when you were about 10w. The second set we couldn't find, but the last set was taken October 23rd. The differences between how much I grew in that two month period was amazing. But even more amazing was that instead of getting upset on seeing the pictures (I thought going in I was going to be so sad and missing you and your brother even more!), they comforted me.
While your dad and I were stressed about getting ready for you, and have a lot of guilt because I felt we weren't ready for you and therefore didn't enjoy the pregnancy and my time with you as I should of, the pictures soothed me. They showed a different memory. There is nothing but love and anticipation in all of the photos. And as I reflected back to the sittings, I remember each pose. What I was thinking...and it shows on my expression.
The best one, one of my favorites, is a shot of me holding you in the belly, and I am laughing. And immediately I remembered that pose...you were kicking and moving and squirming so much. We were talking about you (the photographer and I) and as we talked, you kept kicking!
Those pictures are pictures of hope, of a carefree time. I wish I would have enjoyed my pregnancy with you more and cherished each day. But I am grateful that your dad and I got these pictures taken, because today they are the best gift I could have gotten. They are a reminder of my time with you, short as it was.
I love you and I miss you so much!!! It hurts me to even admit that you would be 4 months old this month, and enjoying your first summer at the beach and pool. Sitting up, and starting to play with your sisters and dog.
I wish you were here with us!
I love you!
Mommy
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Saturday, July 9, 2011
1 month
Dear Rango,
It's been 1 month since I last felt you kicking and squirming. It's been a fast month, but unbearably slow as well. Just like I can still remember what it felt like when Robbie kicked, you were a different kind of mover. You were subtle. You would make little bumps against me that I would feel. We were just starting to be able to feel you kick from the outside. That's how I know you were still alive as I got ready for work that fateful morning. I know you were squirming as I was getting ready. I don't know when your heart stopped beating, at what point during the day. I don't want to know when.
Your daddy thinks my premonition Wednesday night was your way of telling me something was wrong. I couldn't stop crying and I was so scared something was happening. I just kept seeing the same scene over and over...we were in the delivery room, and the doctor had delivered you, but I was bleeding uncontrollably. And then it would go black. But you were okay--you were with your daddy. The doctors were working on me. But 24 hrs later, you were gone, not me. I regret not taking the doppler out that morning before work--I had done it so many other mornings. But I know you were moving. But it would have been the last time we heard your heartbeat.
We miss you (and your brother) so much. Your sisters still cry over both of you. I cry every day...I relive those moments when I knew you weren't moving and they were busy checking my placenta on the ultrasound. By the time they went to check your heartbeat, I already knew. My worst nightmare coming true again.
I am grateful we spent the time we had with you. That we did cherish every moment, and made you a part of the family even before we could hold you. I don't regret any minute of that. The doctor says if I do get pregnant again, it would be normal and expected of me not to bond with the next baby. But while I understand why I would do that, I also know that your daddy and I cherish every day we had with you.
We miss you and love you!
Love,
Mommy
It's been 1 month since I last felt you kicking and squirming. It's been a fast month, but unbearably slow as well. Just like I can still remember what it felt like when Robbie kicked, you were a different kind of mover. You were subtle. You would make little bumps against me that I would feel. We were just starting to be able to feel you kick from the outside. That's how I know you were still alive as I got ready for work that fateful morning. I know you were squirming as I was getting ready. I don't know when your heart stopped beating, at what point during the day. I don't want to know when.
Your daddy thinks my premonition Wednesday night was your way of telling me something was wrong. I couldn't stop crying and I was so scared something was happening. I just kept seeing the same scene over and over...we were in the delivery room, and the doctor had delivered you, but I was bleeding uncontrollably. And then it would go black. But you were okay--you were with your daddy. The doctors were working on me. But 24 hrs later, you were gone, not me. I regret not taking the doppler out that morning before work--I had done it so many other mornings. But I know you were moving. But it would have been the last time we heard your heartbeat.
We miss you (and your brother) so much. Your sisters still cry over both of you. I cry every day...I relive those moments when I knew you weren't moving and they were busy checking my placenta on the ultrasound. By the time they went to check your heartbeat, I already knew. My worst nightmare coming true again.
I am grateful we spent the time we had with you. That we did cherish every moment, and made you a part of the family even before we could hold you. I don't regret any minute of that. The doctor says if I do get pregnant again, it would be normal and expected of me not to bond with the next baby. But while I understand why I would do that, I also know that your daddy and I cherish every day we had with you.
We miss you and love you!
Love,
Mommy
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Thinking of you today
Dear Boys,
Today was the first day that I was able to be alone. And by alone I mean no phone, no body talking to me, just me and my thoughts, and wanting to have some quiet time with you. But since I was driving to the doctors, every time I tried to think of either of you, I got very emotional, and started to cry. So needless to say, I turned up the radio and just sang. What else could I do? I know both of you listened to my wonderful radio singing...and you knew how it would calm me down.
Your dad has your sisters looking for pennies now. He found one at the ice cream stand last night. And he went searching around for the other one. Your sisters wanted to know what he was looking for...and I explained it to them. So now they are looking for pennies, if you can spare a few for them.
Your sisters are also asking a lot of questions about you boys today. I'm answering them the best I can, but I know they miss you both, and really want a baby brother. Instead of a funeral for Rango, your sisters want to have a party instead. What do you think about that? If we release balloons, will you catch them for us (and share them with your friends up there? I know you must be playing with Arianna and your other little friends, and your great grandparents!). It does make me a little happier knowing that you two have each other, and have other friends to play with.
I miss you both. I love you both.
Love,
Mommy
Today was the first day that I was able to be alone. And by alone I mean no phone, no body talking to me, just me and my thoughts, and wanting to have some quiet time with you. But since I was driving to the doctors, every time I tried to think of either of you, I got very emotional, and started to cry. So needless to say, I turned up the radio and just sang. What else could I do? I know both of you listened to my wonderful radio singing...and you knew how it would calm me down.
Your dad has your sisters looking for pennies now. He found one at the ice cream stand last night. And he went searching around for the other one. Your sisters wanted to know what he was looking for...and I explained it to them. So now they are looking for pennies, if you can spare a few for them.
Your sisters are also asking a lot of questions about you boys today. I'm answering them the best I can, but I know they miss you both, and really want a baby brother. Instead of a funeral for Rango, your sisters want to have a party instead. What do you think about that? If we release balloons, will you catch them for us (and share them with your friends up there? I know you must be playing with Arianna and your other little friends, and your great grandparents!). It does make me a little happier knowing that you two have each other, and have other friends to play with.
I miss you both. I love you both.
Love,
Mommy
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Dear Boys...
Thank you for the two pennies we found in the airport yesterday. Again, your dad found them before I noticed. But he told me he looks for them. He also found only one at the resort before we left Florida...I told him one of you must not have been paying attention, or was slacking off. Now I think it was just in a spot we couldn't see.
And I know its silly, but the lizards always seemed to come out as I walked--instead of running away, they would watch me carefully. Did either of you have anything to do with that? I've never been able to look at and examine a lizard quite that carefully! I told your daddy I think you two are watching over me.
But when we were walking on the beach, talking about trying for another baby (your dad is ready, I'm not.), we both found the same exact type of shell at the same time, and the only difference is that one was bigger than the other. I know you boys are trying to communicate with us, and you both need to know how much that means to me and your dad. There isn't a day that goes by that we don't think of you, and miss you both so much. Rango, we got your pictures yesterday in the mail. Your dad and I want to put them all in a frame. Robbie, your ultrasounds will go first, then Rango's ultrasound and one of the pictures from when we could hold him.
We love you both so much, and miss you so much!
Love,
Mommy
And I know its silly, but the lizards always seemed to come out as I walked--instead of running away, they would watch me carefully. Did either of you have anything to do with that? I've never been able to look at and examine a lizard quite that carefully! I told your daddy I think you two are watching over me.
But when we were walking on the beach, talking about trying for another baby (your dad is ready, I'm not.), we both found the same exact type of shell at the same time, and the only difference is that one was bigger than the other. I know you boys are trying to communicate with us, and you both need to know how much that means to me and your dad. There isn't a day that goes by that we don't think of you, and miss you both so much. Rango, we got your pictures yesterday in the mail. Your dad and I want to put them all in a frame. Robbie, your ultrasounds will go first, then Rango's ultrasound and one of the pictures from when we could hold him.
We love you both so much, and miss you so much!
Love,
Mommy
Monday, June 20, 2011
It feels like not only has a scab been removed, but cut open and cut deeper. I thought after Robbie died my heart couldn't shatter anymore. I thought I couldn't hurt that badly once the scab began to heal. But I was wrong. Now I am mourning two sons, not just one. And all the while I compare myself to where I was this time with Robbie (weight wise, emotional wise, how capable I was of leaving the house at certain days after the d & e). And I feel guilt because I feel like this new hurt about Rango is overshadowing the grief for Robbie that is still present. That while I want either, (preferably both) of my boys with me, I know that Robbie didn't come back, and neither will Rango.
This pain, this grief is indescribable. There aren't words to express what I am thinking or feeling.
This pain, this grief is indescribable. There aren't words to express what I am thinking or feeling.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Take care of your brother
Dear Robbie,
Today you met your little brother, Rango. I hope you two don't fight like your older sisters! Please play with him, and be nice to him. You two are both very special to me, and my heart is broken that I will never be able to hold either of you. But I am glad that you two will have each other. I hope that one day I will be able to play with you two finally, but for now, get to know each other and love each other. Know that your mommy and daddy and all of your great big family love you and miss you! We would give anything to have you with us and your sisters.
You will both always be my little boys. I love you Robbie! Give your brother a hug and a kiss everyday from me.
Love,
Mommy
Today you met your little brother, Rango. I hope you two don't fight like your older sisters! Please play with him, and be nice to him. You two are both very special to me, and my heart is broken that I will never be able to hold either of you. But I am glad that you two will have each other. I hope that one day I will be able to play with you two finally, but for now, get to know each other and love each other. Know that your mommy and daddy and all of your great big family love you and miss you! We would give anything to have you with us and your sisters.
You will both always be my little boys. I love you Robbie! Give your brother a hug and a kiss everyday from me.
Love,
Mommy
Sunday, June 5, 2011
This is my 4th pregnancy
At a wedding Friday night, several people came up and asked me when I was due. Which was followed by was this my first pregnancy/child. To be honest, while I knew this question would get asked, I wasn't prepared to answer it completely. I knew, and have been answering that this is my 4th pregnancy, and I have two little girls at home. A few people gave me an odd look, as I could see they were crunching the numbers in their heads. 2 girls at one, one due in October, there was 1 child missing.
But lucky for me my husband was right next to me, and while I had decided 1) it wasn't anybody's business about our third child 2) it was a happy occasion, and I would not be the downer in the guest list, my husband wasn't bashful at all. In fact, it was the first time I've ever seen him initiate Robbie's story. To anyone. I was so touched, and so emotional, at how he talked about Robbie and what happened, and answered the questions as guests asked (to be fair, they were strangers to me, but they knew my husband).
The next day, as I reflected on this, my husband wanted to go to the cemetery where we planted the tree for Robbie, to make sure it was doing okay. It was too much for me emotionally to handle. I was in tears as we drove through the cemetery, knowing how much my husband loves his soon Robbie, and how much we miss him. We are looking forward to Rango, and already love him so much. But to know that Robbie is so close to us every day, and that neither one of us will forget him, is so bittersweet and heartwrenching.
And for the first time I realized how much not just I have changed, but how he has changed as well, and how our marriage has grown. I was forced to finally look outside of how this affected me, to how it affected my husband, and how we interact. And seeing him talk about Robbie and initiate going to the cemetery made me realize how grateful I am for such an amazing husband. He didn't shut me out, when he could have. We grieve together (because I don't think we'll ever stop grieving for what should have been), we celebrate together, and we remember together.
But lucky for me my husband was right next to me, and while I had decided 1) it wasn't anybody's business about our third child 2) it was a happy occasion, and I would not be the downer in the guest list, my husband wasn't bashful at all. In fact, it was the first time I've ever seen him initiate Robbie's story. To anyone. I was so touched, and so emotional, at how he talked about Robbie and what happened, and answered the questions as guests asked (to be fair, they were strangers to me, but they knew my husband).
The next day, as I reflected on this, my husband wanted to go to the cemetery where we planted the tree for Robbie, to make sure it was doing okay. It was too much for me emotionally to handle. I was in tears as we drove through the cemetery, knowing how much my husband loves his soon Robbie, and how much we miss him. We are looking forward to Rango, and already love him so much. But to know that Robbie is so close to us every day, and that neither one of us will forget him, is so bittersweet and heartwrenching.
And for the first time I realized how much not just I have changed, but how he has changed as well, and how our marriage has grown. I was forced to finally look outside of how this affected me, to how it affected my husband, and how we interact. And seeing him talk about Robbie and initiate going to the cemetery made me realize how grateful I am for such an amazing husband. He didn't shut me out, when he could have. We grieve together (because I don't think we'll ever stop grieving for what should have been), we celebrate together, and we remember together.
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