Dear Robbie,
Today you met your little brother, Rango. I hope you two don't fight like your older sisters! Please play with him, and be nice to him. You two are both very special to me, and my heart is broken that I will never be able to hold either of you. But I am glad that you two will have each other. I hope that one day I will be able to play with you two finally, but for now, get to know each other and love each other. Know that your mommy and daddy and all of your great big family love you and miss you! We would give anything to have you with us and your sisters.
You will both always be my little boys. I love you Robbie! Give your brother a hug and a kiss everyday from me.
Love,
Mommy
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Sunday, June 5, 2011
This is my 4th pregnancy
At a wedding Friday night, several people came up and asked me when I was due. Which was followed by was this my first pregnancy/child. To be honest, while I knew this question would get asked, I wasn't prepared to answer it completely. I knew, and have been answering that this is my 4th pregnancy, and I have two little girls at home. A few people gave me an odd look, as I could see they were crunching the numbers in their heads. 2 girls at one, one due in October, there was 1 child missing.
But lucky for me my husband was right next to me, and while I had decided 1) it wasn't anybody's business about our third child 2) it was a happy occasion, and I would not be the downer in the guest list, my husband wasn't bashful at all. In fact, it was the first time I've ever seen him initiate Robbie's story. To anyone. I was so touched, and so emotional, at how he talked about Robbie and what happened, and answered the questions as guests asked (to be fair, they were strangers to me, but they knew my husband).
The next day, as I reflected on this, my husband wanted to go to the cemetery where we planted the tree for Robbie, to make sure it was doing okay. It was too much for me emotionally to handle. I was in tears as we drove through the cemetery, knowing how much my husband loves his soon Robbie, and how much we miss him. We are looking forward to Rango, and already love him so much. But to know that Robbie is so close to us every day, and that neither one of us will forget him, is so bittersweet and heartwrenching.
And for the first time I realized how much not just I have changed, but how he has changed as well, and how our marriage has grown. I was forced to finally look outside of how this affected me, to how it affected my husband, and how we interact. And seeing him talk about Robbie and initiate going to the cemetery made me realize how grateful I am for such an amazing husband. He didn't shut me out, when he could have. We grieve together (because I don't think we'll ever stop grieving for what should have been), we celebrate together, and we remember together.
But lucky for me my husband was right next to me, and while I had decided 1) it wasn't anybody's business about our third child 2) it was a happy occasion, and I would not be the downer in the guest list, my husband wasn't bashful at all. In fact, it was the first time I've ever seen him initiate Robbie's story. To anyone. I was so touched, and so emotional, at how he talked about Robbie and what happened, and answered the questions as guests asked (to be fair, they were strangers to me, but they knew my husband).
The next day, as I reflected on this, my husband wanted to go to the cemetery where we planted the tree for Robbie, to make sure it was doing okay. It was too much for me emotionally to handle. I was in tears as we drove through the cemetery, knowing how much my husband loves his soon Robbie, and how much we miss him. We are looking forward to Rango, and already love him so much. But to know that Robbie is so close to us every day, and that neither one of us will forget him, is so bittersweet and heartwrenching.
And for the first time I realized how much not just I have changed, but how he has changed as well, and how our marriage has grown. I was forced to finally look outside of how this affected me, to how it affected my husband, and how we interact. And seeing him talk about Robbie and initiate going to the cemetery made me realize how grateful I am for such an amazing husband. He didn't shut me out, when he could have. We grieve together (because I don't think we'll ever stop grieving for what should have been), we celebrate together, and we remember together.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
When One Door Closes....
I have to say in the last 6 months this expression, or anything similar to it, has become my most despised "words of comfort". To realize that 6 months ago our lives were exposed to the extreme grief and darkness that follows a loss such as ours (while it was a stillbirth, he was still our little boy), and didn't know how to make it through day by day, being here today and still standing is amazing. Mario and I have prioritized, making our family first, and limiting how much stress can come from work. Maybe this was more of a lesson for me than him. But it still hurts to think that we should have a 2 month old right now. I am grateful for Rango. For our opportunity to have another child, that maybe Robbie just wasn't "finished" yet. Today we took a tree (dwarf tree) and planted it by my husband's grandparents grave (Robbie's namesakes are his great-grandfathers...Robert for Mario's grandfather, and Francis for mine). It was emotional, and sad, but we knew we had to do it. We had been putting it off for too long. I thought the 6th month anniversary was appropriate. Just every time we remember that scab gets ripped off again. But as we watered the tree, and cried, the sun did break through. We came home, took the dog to park and let him swim in the lake, and then came home and got cleaned up.
But I have yet to see what good is coming from Robbie's death. Or what door is going to open next...it doesn't make sense--still.
I also learned this week that my district is non-renewing me for next school year. Ouch. Not completely unexpected, but to think of everything we've been through, and what a support system this school has been during these last 6 months, it was still a bit of a shock when I was called in for the conference on Wednesday.
But, this is where the constant support and people hugging me may have made it worse for me. They kept saying that this shouldn't have happened, but something good would come out of it.
So, here's my train of thought: Right now I would be on maternity leave. In December/January I would have been at work, so any of the situations that did come up while I was out grieving, wouldn't have existed and would have been handled by me immediately. If Robbie was here, I would still be returning to work in the fall in the same district. If Robbie didn't die, I wouldn't be here right now, staring at unemployment and another non-renewal. And I am struggling to see how these last 6 months were meant to have good come from all the events that occurred.
Can't I just get a break? Why is it those who aren't nice and lie always seem to get ahead, and those of us who do the right thing and work hard get trampled? Why was it my baby that died? I just don't understand life. And while I have been through trials throughout my entire life, I think at this point I am just tired and hurt and want things to happen easily just once. Why can't life be fair just once in someone's life?
But I have yet to see what good is coming from Robbie's death. Or what door is going to open next...it doesn't make sense--still.
I also learned this week that my district is non-renewing me for next school year. Ouch. Not completely unexpected, but to think of everything we've been through, and what a support system this school has been during these last 6 months, it was still a bit of a shock when I was called in for the conference on Wednesday.
But, this is where the constant support and people hugging me may have made it worse for me. They kept saying that this shouldn't have happened, but something good would come out of it.
So, here's my train of thought: Right now I would be on maternity leave. In December/January I would have been at work, so any of the situations that did come up while I was out grieving, wouldn't have existed and would have been handled by me immediately. If Robbie was here, I would still be returning to work in the fall in the same district. If Robbie didn't die, I wouldn't be here right now, staring at unemployment and another non-renewal. And I am struggling to see how these last 6 months were meant to have good come from all the events that occurred.
Can't I just get a break? Why is it those who aren't nice and lie always seem to get ahead, and those of us who do the right thing and work hard get trampled? Why was it my baby that died? I just don't understand life. And while I have been through trials throughout my entire life, I think at this point I am just tired and hurt and want things to happen easily just once. Why can't life be fair just once in someone's life?
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Bittersweetness
There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of Robbie. What he would be doing right now, what we would be doing right now, what milestones he would have made. And each day brought with it a new set of challenges. One of the biggest challenges I've had is talking to/looking at/ acknowledging anyone who was pregnant while I was pregnant, due around Robbie's due date, or just plain are inconsiderate about how they act during their pregnancy (meaning complaining about the aches and pains of it, not realizing I would give anything to have felt the 3rd trimester, even late 2nd trimester pains and uncomfortableness instead of this empty ache in my heart).
And I've felt very guilty about this--babies are a wonderful gift and should be celebrated. It saddens me to think of those women that think having a baby is a competition, and they can be the only ones pregnant at that time. We should all be so lucky to have healthy pregnancies at the same time! I thought this was even before we lost Robbie. I think even more so now. So the fact that I couldn't look at several women I work with that were pregnant (b/c they would complain in earshot of me about how they didn't fit into anything, and how fat they were, and other normal complaints), because I was so sensitive.
But this week I learned that a friend, someone who checked in on me while I was home from work grieving, is finally pregnant! And she is super excited, and for some reason, I am excited and happy too! And while all my fear isn't instantly gone, I feel a bit hopeful about my own pregnancy this time. You know how they say misery loves company? Maybe her happiness and ability to enjoy her pregnancy and not worry will rub off on me! I was just relieved to see that I am moving past this intolerance of other pregnant women. I know its unreasonable, and I don't know every woman's backstory--I'm sure that some women have stories just like mine. But I am seeing this as a sign of healing, of moving forward.
I will never forget my son, my first son. And not a day goes by that I don't wonder what he looked like, what his personality would be. But to know he is in my heart, and I can move on and be happy with the short time I was allowed to be his mom, is okay. Its taking baby steps, but its better than staying in the abyss forever.
There is hope, and the sorrow does lessen. It will never go away---but it will change.
And I've felt very guilty about this--babies are a wonderful gift and should be celebrated. It saddens me to think of those women that think having a baby is a competition, and they can be the only ones pregnant at that time. We should all be so lucky to have healthy pregnancies at the same time! I thought this was even before we lost Robbie. I think even more so now. So the fact that I couldn't look at several women I work with that were pregnant (b/c they would complain in earshot of me about how they didn't fit into anything, and how fat they were, and other normal complaints), because I was so sensitive.
But this week I learned that a friend, someone who checked in on me while I was home from work grieving, is finally pregnant! And she is super excited, and for some reason, I am excited and happy too! And while all my fear isn't instantly gone, I feel a bit hopeful about my own pregnancy this time. You know how they say misery loves company? Maybe her happiness and ability to enjoy her pregnancy and not worry will rub off on me! I was just relieved to see that I am moving past this intolerance of other pregnant women. I know its unreasonable, and I don't know every woman's backstory--I'm sure that some women have stories just like mine. But I am seeing this as a sign of healing, of moving forward.
I will never forget my son, my first son. And not a day goes by that I don't wonder what he looked like, what his personality would be. But to know he is in my heart, and I can move on and be happy with the short time I was allowed to be his mom, is okay. Its taking baby steps, but its better than staying in the abyss forever.
There is hope, and the sorrow does lessen. It will never go away---but it will change.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Missed Firsts...
I've been meaning to write more, but I have been keeping so busy to keep my mind occupied. But I just had to get this out....
I was shopping for my girls' Easter baskets in Target last week, and I always get the same thing, bathing suits and summer pjs. And as I went by the infant section, I realized that today should have been Robbie's first Easter. His first Easter basket, his first Easter egg hunt. And while I am grateful for the little baby growing now, it still stung that my baby boy isn't here today. At church, I saw all these new infants with their families, and I started to cry several times. I should also be holding my baby. But my arms were empty.
And to think I thought the next hardest date would be in November. But I am starting to realize that Mother's Day will be hard, and Father's Day will be too. Then will be July 4th weekend--a special day for me and my husband. I just wish there was some way to fast forward through the heartache....
I was shopping for my girls' Easter baskets in Target last week, and I always get the same thing, bathing suits and summer pjs. And as I went by the infant section, I realized that today should have been Robbie's first Easter. His first Easter basket, his first Easter egg hunt. And while I am grateful for the little baby growing now, it still stung that my baby boy isn't here today. At church, I saw all these new infants with their families, and I started to cry several times. I should also be holding my baby. But my arms were empty.
And to think I thought the next hardest date would be in November. But I am starting to realize that Mother's Day will be hard, and Father's Day will be too. Then will be July 4th weekend--a special day for me and my husband. I just wish there was some way to fast forward through the heartache....
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Today has to be one of the worse days since I've been back to work. And like usual my students are not the issue. I need to vent, because I am sitting here crying I am so upset. The issues that were at play today deal more with situations that occurred after Robbie died, and I just want to know if I am staying at Clearview, or if I have to mentally prepare myself for moving on and making other plans next year.
For starters, let's just remind ourselves that it doesn't matter that I am pregnant--I cannot deal with pregnant women. It still upsets me. So I am on permanent baby bump watch so that I know who to avoid. Seriously, I am not kidding around with this. I will turn and walk out of my way if I even think for a second I'll have to have a conversation or say hello to a pregnant woman. So I knew that one of my co-workers who was recently married would probably be starting a family soon, nevermind that people did tell me that she was trying. I don't know this woman, she and I honestly have always clashed, so I make sure I avoid her at all costs anyway. She is one of the few people in my department who has my supervisor's ear, and the only person he'll listen too. And he asks her for her opinions of me, who she doesn't know!!!! So yes, when I returned to work, I was on baby bump watch for my own emotional health. And about a month ago, the bump and pregnancy look to her was evident. The next fear was that my supervisor, who is completely insensitive and clueless (and doesn't care if he upsets me, as long as this unnamed co-worker is happy), would announce her pregnancy at a department meeting. So I asked my friends to let me know if she was, or if they knew the announcement was coming so that I could excuse myself from the meeting. I didn't want to get upset, and secondly, take away from her joy in that moment by having to flee the room.
But once I knew (again about 2-4 weeks ago) because, well, she looks pregnant--there's a bump, her face is different, I just began to avoid her at all costs. There are 2 other women at work I avoid, and honestly, I'm sorry if they are offended, but I have to do what is best for me right now.
So, yesterday, I shared my news with a teacher who was suspicious that I was pregnant again, and she slipped and said something about this pregnant teacher. Well, the pregnant teacher found out and was furious. My friend, who was caught up in the middle of it, wanted to try to make things better, but only got more upset it seemed. I decided, since I was the one who found out the news and wasn't supposed to know anyway, to go down and tell her that I already knew because she was showing. Wow, I was not prepared for the bitchiness that came from her for no reason!!! And that people defended her reasoning, I'm sorry but that is no excuse to unleash like that on someone. Please know that I just didn't come right out and say that I knew, but I tried to ease into it. I got a lecture on how its her private and personal life, and she doesn't like people talking about her behind her back (well, we see how well I listened to that wish by her), and she went on and on. I explained that no one was being mean, but it slipped, and it wasn't anything I didn't already know. She said she didn't appreciate that I talked to someone about if she was pregnant or not (trying to see if I had to avoid her), and it wasn't my business. I agreed and told her it wasn't, and it has/had nothing to do with me, and I honestly don't care if she is or isn't, but it is obvious she is because she is showing. So whether she likes it or not, people are going to say things. She continued to lash out, and when she was done she turned around and told me I can come in when I want to observe her--like I have any desire to go in and observe her now--the pregnant bitch!!!
So on top of this, because apparently this is "If you are pregnant come and annoy me Day", the other co-worker, who is also pregnant, went behind my back and went to my supervisor (who is avoiding me and not returning emails or making himself available to meet with me), with my ideas!!!! I am fighting for my job right now...after Robbie, some people were incredibly insensitive and the things that happened while I was home waiting for the d & e, and even after, would just make your skin curl. It was inappropriate and ill-timed to say the least. So after I returned things got worse with him, and I had to file a grievance against him. After a conference, I thought things were improving, but he still has yet to come observe me or meet with me (November 12 was the last time I was observed).
Okay...rant over. I miss Robbie, and I want things to go back the way they were before.
I don't want to not be able to be around pregnant women-I don't feel good about myself that that's what I have to do to protect myself emotionally. Just saying....
For starters, let's just remind ourselves that it doesn't matter that I am pregnant--I cannot deal with pregnant women. It still upsets me. So I am on permanent baby bump watch so that I know who to avoid. Seriously, I am not kidding around with this. I will turn and walk out of my way if I even think for a second I'll have to have a conversation or say hello to a pregnant woman. So I knew that one of my co-workers who was recently married would probably be starting a family soon, nevermind that people did tell me that she was trying. I don't know this woman, she and I honestly have always clashed, so I make sure I avoid her at all costs anyway. She is one of the few people in my department who has my supervisor's ear, and the only person he'll listen too. And he asks her for her opinions of me, who she doesn't know!!!! So yes, when I returned to work, I was on baby bump watch for my own emotional health. And about a month ago, the bump and pregnancy look to her was evident. The next fear was that my supervisor, who is completely insensitive and clueless (and doesn't care if he upsets me, as long as this unnamed co-worker is happy), would announce her pregnancy at a department meeting. So I asked my friends to let me know if she was, or if they knew the announcement was coming so that I could excuse myself from the meeting. I didn't want to get upset, and secondly, take away from her joy in that moment by having to flee the room.
But once I knew (again about 2-4 weeks ago) because, well, she looks pregnant--there's a bump, her face is different, I just began to avoid her at all costs. There are 2 other women at work I avoid, and honestly, I'm sorry if they are offended, but I have to do what is best for me right now.
So, yesterday, I shared my news with a teacher who was suspicious that I was pregnant again, and she slipped and said something about this pregnant teacher. Well, the pregnant teacher found out and was furious. My friend, who was caught up in the middle of it, wanted to try to make things better, but only got more upset it seemed. I decided, since I was the one who found out the news and wasn't supposed to know anyway, to go down and tell her that I already knew because she was showing. Wow, I was not prepared for the bitchiness that came from her for no reason!!! And that people defended her reasoning, I'm sorry but that is no excuse to unleash like that on someone. Please know that I just didn't come right out and say that I knew, but I tried to ease into it. I got a lecture on how its her private and personal life, and she doesn't like people talking about her behind her back (well, we see how well I listened to that wish by her), and she went on and on. I explained that no one was being mean, but it slipped, and it wasn't anything I didn't already know. She said she didn't appreciate that I talked to someone about if she was pregnant or not (trying to see if I had to avoid her), and it wasn't my business. I agreed and told her it wasn't, and it has/had nothing to do with me, and I honestly don't care if she is or isn't, but it is obvious she is because she is showing. So whether she likes it or not, people are going to say things. She continued to lash out, and when she was done she turned around and told me I can come in when I want to observe her--like I have any desire to go in and observe her now--the pregnant bitch!!!
So on top of this, because apparently this is "If you are pregnant come and annoy me Day", the other co-worker, who is also pregnant, went behind my back and went to my supervisor (who is avoiding me and not returning emails or making himself available to meet with me), with my ideas!!!! I am fighting for my job right now...after Robbie, some people were incredibly insensitive and the things that happened while I was home waiting for the d & e, and even after, would just make your skin curl. It was inappropriate and ill-timed to say the least. So after I returned things got worse with him, and I had to file a grievance against him. After a conference, I thought things were improving, but he still has yet to come observe me or meet with me (November 12 was the last time I was observed).
Okay...rant over. I miss Robbie, and I want things to go back the way they were before.
I don't want to not be able to be around pregnant women-I don't feel good about myself that that's what I have to do to protect myself emotionally. Just saying....
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Thank you Picture People
I came home yesterday to a coupon from Picture People to start recording those memories right when we take our baby home from the hospital. I've been fortunate because my husband has been hiding all the diaper and formula information and samples that come our way. But of course, I get this one.
I don't think it mattered how much I read and sympathized with those who had EDD of angel babies. I wasn't prepared in the least for the onslaught of emotions I had, starting with my dreams last night. Last night when I went to bed, I wasn't looking forward to the morning, but I thought I'd handle it ok. I mean, I'm not crying as often as I used too. My heart still aches, but it is becoming bearable.
But last night, throughout the night I had disjointed dreams. All centered around me, my husband, doctors, Robbie, and our Rango. They were odd, short, and disturbing. I would wake up crying, shaking, or just had a bad feeling I couldn't shake. By the time the alarm sounded at 5:30, I was more exhausted than when I went to bed, and I know I had slept! One dream in particular had me and Mario at my Ob/Gyn's office, and they wanted to do a new test on the baby (Rango), called the Luteal Phase test. Not to get graphic but it was like I picture a d & e, without any blood. In the dream they told me it was to ensure that the new baby was safe and not sick. I'm sure part was imagination, but I think my subconscious was on over drive. Like when my body refused to let me lose the baby weight because it thought I was still pregnant, I think my subconscious knew that today I should have been giving birth (granted via c-section). I don't know.
But between 5:30 and 6:30 I couldn't move. I was crying, and my husband was doing everything he could to console me. I knew I was going to be late to work, but I couldn't will myself to move, or stop getting upset. I called work at 6:50 to let them know I needed homeroom coverage, and I allowed myself time to get ready and stop for moments of crying. To say today was difficult is an understatement. I still don't know how I made it the entire day without leaving.
It felt like a scab had been ripped off, and I was raw with emotions again. Any little thing triggered tears. I tried to keep busy but there were moments of calm and quiet that unfortunately started my thoughts of how Robbie should be here, in my arms. By the end of the day, after many hugs and co-workers (and some students) checking on me, I survived. I made it home.
I know this is just another milestone, and this year will be filled with them. I just miss my son so much, and wish I could have seen him, see what he looked like, and held him, even for just a moment.
Robbie I love you so much, and I know you are watching over us. While today is really not your birthday, it was the date we had marked on our calendars that we were going to meet you. I can't wait to meet you in heaven. But for now, have fun with Daddy's grandparents and my Poppop--I'm sure they can tell you about us! Your sisters miss you too! Love, Mommy
I don't think it mattered how much I read and sympathized with those who had EDD of angel babies. I wasn't prepared in the least for the onslaught of emotions I had, starting with my dreams last night. Last night when I went to bed, I wasn't looking forward to the morning, but I thought I'd handle it ok. I mean, I'm not crying as often as I used too. My heart still aches, but it is becoming bearable.
But last night, throughout the night I had disjointed dreams. All centered around me, my husband, doctors, Robbie, and our Rango. They were odd, short, and disturbing. I would wake up crying, shaking, or just had a bad feeling I couldn't shake. By the time the alarm sounded at 5:30, I was more exhausted than when I went to bed, and I know I had slept! One dream in particular had me and Mario at my Ob/Gyn's office, and they wanted to do a new test on the baby (Rango), called the Luteal Phase test. Not to get graphic but it was like I picture a d & e, without any blood. In the dream they told me it was to ensure that the new baby was safe and not sick. I'm sure part was imagination, but I think my subconscious was on over drive. Like when my body refused to let me lose the baby weight because it thought I was still pregnant, I think my subconscious knew that today I should have been giving birth (granted via c-section). I don't know.
But between 5:30 and 6:30 I couldn't move. I was crying, and my husband was doing everything he could to console me. I knew I was going to be late to work, but I couldn't will myself to move, or stop getting upset. I called work at 6:50 to let them know I needed homeroom coverage, and I allowed myself time to get ready and stop for moments of crying. To say today was difficult is an understatement. I still don't know how I made it the entire day without leaving.
It felt like a scab had been ripped off, and I was raw with emotions again. Any little thing triggered tears. I tried to keep busy but there were moments of calm and quiet that unfortunately started my thoughts of how Robbie should be here, in my arms. By the end of the day, after many hugs and co-workers (and some students) checking on me, I survived. I made it home.
I know this is just another milestone, and this year will be filled with them. I just miss my son so much, and wish I could have seen him, see what he looked like, and held him, even for just a moment.
Robbie I love you so much, and I know you are watching over us. While today is really not your birthday, it was the date we had marked on our calendars that we were going to meet you. I can't wait to meet you in heaven. But for now, have fun with Daddy's grandparents and my Poppop--I'm sure they can tell you about us! Your sisters miss you too! Love, Mommy
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)