Sunday, March 20, 2011
Apparently I have lost all track of dates!
My apologies (but at the same time I guess a date is just a date)....the 22nd is Tuesday, not Monday....i guess i'm just anxious about it, and while I don't want it to be over, I want it to get here....
Saturday, March 19, 2011
What I Should Be Doing....
As I was getting agitated at my supervisor in an impromptu meeting on Thursday it dawned on me that Thursday would have be, in most likelihood, my last day of work before maternity leave. So while I listened to help demonstrate a lesson on "being able to walk through a hole in a piece of paper), inside I wanted to just scream. But I didn't. I walked out, and went to class and taught my freshmen as if nothing was wrong. Yesterday I should have been at the hospital doing all of my pre-op work, then running around doing little things to get the nursery ready. Instead, I went to work (thank God I do love my job), then came home to meet the exterminator about our ant problem. Today we went out and ran errands, one of which was trying to return the stroller system that arrived damaged from Target.
I know I wanted to originally do something special on the due date (I was torn b/c while the due date was the 28th, the c-section was scheduled for the 22nd). But the more I thought about it the more I realized that the due date meant nothing except past hopes and dreams. And it was best for us to just continue to move on and heal.
But that doesn't make this weekend any easier. I am dreading Monday will all my heart. And I'm not sure, except for my blogging followers, that anyone else realizes how much my heart hurts right now, and how big of a day this is. I know there is so much to look forward too, but its hard to just forget what was supposed to be.
Robbie, I miss you so much and really wish that we could meet you on Monday. I love you! Mommy
I know I wanted to originally do something special on the due date (I was torn b/c while the due date was the 28th, the c-section was scheduled for the 22nd). But the more I thought about it the more I realized that the due date meant nothing except past hopes and dreams. And it was best for us to just continue to move on and heal.
But that doesn't make this weekend any easier. I am dreading Monday will all my heart. And I'm not sure, except for my blogging followers, that anyone else realizes how much my heart hurts right now, and how big of a day this is. I know there is so much to look forward too, but its hard to just forget what was supposed to be.
Robbie, I miss you so much and really wish that we could meet you on Monday. I love you! Mommy
Sunday, March 13, 2011
4 months
I was at a bridal shower today, and it dawned on me that not only has it been 4 months since our little boy's demise, but next Monday was my scheduled c-section. It was a happy, fun shower for a dear friend (well, friend of my husband's since high school, and i've gotten to know her too). and i hated the fact that one comment was made at the table i was sitting at, and it had my mind just swirling with emotions.
On the way home I listened to Pearl Jam, and the song "Just Breathe" came on. Its funny how things have taken on new meaning. I could have sworn 4 months and 1 day ago I took this song one way, but today as I listened to it, it spoke to me and my tears.
On the way home I listened to Pearl Jam, and the song "Just Breathe" came on. Its funny how things have taken on new meaning. I could have sworn 4 months and 1 day ago I took this song one way, but today as I listened to it, it spoke to me and my tears.
"Yes I understand that every life must end, aw huh,..
As we sit alone, I know someday we must go, aw huh,..
I’m a lucky man to count on both hands
The ones I love,..
As we sit alone, I know someday we must go, aw huh,..
I’m a lucky man to count on both hands
The ones I love,..
Some folks just have one,
Others they got none, aw huh,..
Others they got none, aw huh,..
Stay with me,..
Let’s just breathe.
Let’s just breathe.
Practiced are my sins,
Never gonna let me win, aw huh,..
Under everything, just another human being, aw huh,..
Yeh, I don’t wanna hurt, there’s so much in this world
To make me bleed.
Never gonna let me win, aw huh,..
Under everything, just another human being, aw huh,..
Yeh, I don’t wanna hurt, there’s so much in this world
To make me bleed.
Stay with me,..
You’re all I see.
You’re all I see.
Did I say that I need you?
Did I say that I want you?
Oh, if I didn’t now I’m a fool you see,..
No one knows this more than me.
As I come clean.
Did I say that I want you?
Oh, if I didn’t now I’m a fool you see,..
No one knows this more than me.
As I come clean.
I wonder everyday
as I look upon your face, aw huh,..
Everything you gave
And nothing you would take, aw huh,..
Nothing you would take,..
Everything you gave.
as I look upon your face, aw huh,..
Everything you gave
And nothing you would take, aw huh,..
Nothing you would take,..
Everything you gave.
Did I say that I need you?
Oh, Did I say that I want you?
Oh, if I didn’t now I’m a fool you see,..
No one know this more than me.
As I come clean.
Oh, Did I say that I want you?
Oh, if I didn’t now I’m a fool you see,..
No one know this more than me.
As I come clean.
Nothing you would take,..
everything you gave.
Hold me till I die,..
Meet you on the other side."
everything you gave.
Hold me till I die,..
Meet you on the other side."
There's no more words for today...I'm sure i'm entering into a very difficult week.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Remembering Robbie
Of course Robbie has been on my mind a lot lately. The fact that he would have been joining us in just 21 short days. That while I've been through morning sickness already and didn't have my baby to take home, I get to go through it again, during what I know will be one of my roughest months ever. I've already decided that this blog is dedicated to the memory of my son, and to chart my walk while I learn to live with my grief. Maybe our little firefly will have a blog. But I will only mention my pregnancy as it pertains to my healing, and adjusting to the fact that my little boy won't be coming home with us on March 22nd (the scheduled c-section date).
I've spoken with my mom, my husband, and two friends about my dilemma about taking a personal day on Robbie's due date. I felt very conflicted. On one hand, I don't want to minimize our loss, and ignore the fact that that date (well, a date around it) would be his birthday. But on the other I can rationalize that like so many other mothers (I think of mom's with preemies), sometimes our little ones don't make it to their due date. Our babies chose their own birthdate. And Robbie has his. Not in the way we thought, or imagined. But the dates November 14th, November 17th and November 24th will always be the dates associated with our son. Not March 22nd or 28th. So while we will do something on that day, I don't think staying at home, reflecting on what should have been, is healthy or necessary. Nor does my son want me getting myself upset. So I'm not having a baby in March. I'm not 8 months pregnant. But I will be 8 months pregnant someday. I can look forward to the future. The past is the past, and its not what I wanted. But I also can't live in the past, of the "what should have been".
When my assistant superintendent and I spoke this week I mentioned this to her, and she told me how mature that was, and how far I've obviously come in my healing. But also knew that I was still going through a process, and this was just one step in a series of steps. But she acknowledged my son, and that he did exist. For someone out side of the family to acknowledge this was so touching.
I know my family will never forget Robbie--he is a part of our family, our story. Today I was talking with a co-worker about women who had 3 girls, and wanted just 1 boy, and when it was a 4th girl, they were devastated, and really neglected their daughter because she was the wrong sex. And we chatted about how people should just be grateful for a healthy child. And I mentioned how in my family, for the last 3 generations, we only had girls naturally. So something is obviously in our gene pool that chooses that x-chromosome sperm over the y-chromosome sperm...something about acidity. But she stopped me and said "But you had a boy. You had Robbie." I was stunned. I mean, I knew I had a boy. But I never thought of it like that. And that a non-family member not only reminded me, but called him by name...I was speechless.
It touched me that while I know I talk about all 3 of my children, other people are acknowledging Robbie as my boy, not just as a taboo subject (if we don't mention him then maybe she won't talk about him).
It does help me to know going into the next 22 days that while I know I will never forget my son, neither will those around me! And it doesn't matter how I choose to formally remember him. The fact that people talk about him means that he won't be forgotten!
I've spoken with my mom, my husband, and two friends about my dilemma about taking a personal day on Robbie's due date. I felt very conflicted. On one hand, I don't want to minimize our loss, and ignore the fact that that date (well, a date around it) would be his birthday. But on the other I can rationalize that like so many other mothers (I think of mom's with preemies), sometimes our little ones don't make it to their due date. Our babies chose their own birthdate. And Robbie has his. Not in the way we thought, or imagined. But the dates November 14th, November 17th and November 24th will always be the dates associated with our son. Not March 22nd or 28th. So while we will do something on that day, I don't think staying at home, reflecting on what should have been, is healthy or necessary. Nor does my son want me getting myself upset. So I'm not having a baby in March. I'm not 8 months pregnant. But I will be 8 months pregnant someday. I can look forward to the future. The past is the past, and its not what I wanted. But I also can't live in the past, of the "what should have been".
When my assistant superintendent and I spoke this week I mentioned this to her, and she told me how mature that was, and how far I've obviously come in my healing. But also knew that I was still going through a process, and this was just one step in a series of steps. But she acknowledged my son, and that he did exist. For someone out side of the family to acknowledge this was so touching.
I know my family will never forget Robbie--he is a part of our family, our story. Today I was talking with a co-worker about women who had 3 girls, and wanted just 1 boy, and when it was a 4th girl, they were devastated, and really neglected their daughter because she was the wrong sex. And we chatted about how people should just be grateful for a healthy child. And I mentioned how in my family, for the last 3 generations, we only had girls naturally. So something is obviously in our gene pool that chooses that x-chromosome sperm over the y-chromosome sperm...something about acidity. But she stopped me and said "But you had a boy. You had Robbie." I was stunned. I mean, I knew I had a boy. But I never thought of it like that. And that a non-family member not only reminded me, but called him by name...I was speechless.
It touched me that while I know I talk about all 3 of my children, other people are acknowledging Robbie as my boy, not just as a taboo subject (if we don't mention him then maybe she won't talk about him).
It does help me to know going into the next 22 days that while I know I will never forget my son, neither will those around me! And it doesn't matter how I choose to formally remember him. The fact that people talk about him means that he won't be forgotten!
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Time
It's been three months since we said goodbye to our little boy. He grew his wings on a Sunday, and we found out that following Wednesday. So where the actual "3 month" mark is, I'm not sure. In my memory, those days all blurred together, like some bad dream.
3 months ago our world fell apart, the carpet ripped out from under us. It was dark, and bleak. I don't remember hours, or days, just stretches of time. Albert Einstein said that time slows down as we approach the speed of light (quantum physics), but honestly, time halted for us during the first two months. Each day was marked by milestones and tv shows and mealtimes when we had the girls. I don't remember looking at a clock, or caring what time it was. I still don't pay attention to time as much as I used to. Its just not important anymore. What's important is spending the time doing quality things. Instead of scheduling something so that we had to be someplace at a certain time, now I'll get there when we get there. Bedtime has been flexible to whatever we are doing as a family.
I know my mantra especially in those first few weeks, and still today, is taking it day by day. I don't know what tomorrow will be, or what will happen. I know what is happening now, and what we might want to do later.
When you plan for a baby you look forward to the 9 months of carrying that baby. You know the timing, up the day when you are going to meet your little one for the first time. We were cheated of that. Instead of looking forward to March 28th, and getting to deliver and hold our son, we are planning a memorial service locally for him. I have already taken the day off of work. But nothing is planned because you just don't know what is going to happen between now and then. Nothing is guaranteed. I just know that I am setting aside that day to remember my son, and mourn the fact that while I won't be meeting him on that particular day that we had been counting down to, I know that someday I will be meeting him. But there's no set time.
Time seems to have gone on for the rest of the world. In the last three months, we have friends getting married, friends who have little ones growing and making milestones. We have our girls who have their own lives they are living. Allie made Student of the Month, and Emily just had her fifth birthday. I know the world continues to move on, but in my mind, everything is in slow motion. Time seems to have slowed down.
I am also reflecting on the differences in me from the first 2 months, and this last month. I know I am making progress in healing. I know that we are moving on too, although never forgetting our little Robbie. The first two months I could barely function outside of my own head and emotions. Lately, I've been making my own lessons at school again. I feel my energy is back in the classroom, and the kids are seeing a difference as well. I had my daughter's party yesterday, and while there were siblings there around 1-2 years old, I didn't break down and cry. I was amazed at how cute and small they are, and almost in my grief I had forgotten all the joys of motherhood in those first few years. But I know that I want to still have that chance again, to change diapers, and hear them giggle, and cry, and try to be independent and be a big kid when they are still so young and dependent!
Time is a funny thing. For most of my life time just flew by, and I just moved from one thing to another. After Robbie, I am learning that time is really meaningless in hours and days. Time is valuable when you use it to spend with the ones you love, with no time restraints!
The last three months have felt like an endless eternity. I have been existing in a fog, and only now is the fog beginning to lift. And this fog has distorted my sense of time. My family has a lot to look forward too, and while it hurts so much that Robbie won't be with us physically to share it, I know he is looking out for us, and in a blink of an eye we will be with him, and sharing stories and memories! And time won't matter in the least!!
Robbie--I love you so much. Even though my heart aches to hold you, and feel you kick, I know you are watching over all of us. Your sister even writes in her diary about you. I know she misses you too. I know your dad thinks its silly, but our song always plays at the times I need to know you are ok, and still with me. And I know its your way of letting me know you are watching over us all. Please watch over your little brother or sister---and let them know how much we love you, and how much they are loved too! But let him/her know who you are so that they can tell us a little about you, maybe, one day. Love Mommy
3 months ago our world fell apart, the carpet ripped out from under us. It was dark, and bleak. I don't remember hours, or days, just stretches of time. Albert Einstein said that time slows down as we approach the speed of light (quantum physics), but honestly, time halted for us during the first two months. Each day was marked by milestones and tv shows and mealtimes when we had the girls. I don't remember looking at a clock, or caring what time it was. I still don't pay attention to time as much as I used to. Its just not important anymore. What's important is spending the time doing quality things. Instead of scheduling something so that we had to be someplace at a certain time, now I'll get there when we get there. Bedtime has been flexible to whatever we are doing as a family.
I know my mantra especially in those first few weeks, and still today, is taking it day by day. I don't know what tomorrow will be, or what will happen. I know what is happening now, and what we might want to do later.
When you plan for a baby you look forward to the 9 months of carrying that baby. You know the timing, up the day when you are going to meet your little one for the first time. We were cheated of that. Instead of looking forward to March 28th, and getting to deliver and hold our son, we are planning a memorial service locally for him. I have already taken the day off of work. But nothing is planned because you just don't know what is going to happen between now and then. Nothing is guaranteed. I just know that I am setting aside that day to remember my son, and mourn the fact that while I won't be meeting him on that particular day that we had been counting down to, I know that someday I will be meeting him. But there's no set time.
Time seems to have gone on for the rest of the world. In the last three months, we have friends getting married, friends who have little ones growing and making milestones. We have our girls who have their own lives they are living. Allie made Student of the Month, and Emily just had her fifth birthday. I know the world continues to move on, but in my mind, everything is in slow motion. Time seems to have slowed down.
I am also reflecting on the differences in me from the first 2 months, and this last month. I know I am making progress in healing. I know that we are moving on too, although never forgetting our little Robbie. The first two months I could barely function outside of my own head and emotions. Lately, I've been making my own lessons at school again. I feel my energy is back in the classroom, and the kids are seeing a difference as well. I had my daughter's party yesterday, and while there were siblings there around 1-2 years old, I didn't break down and cry. I was amazed at how cute and small they are, and almost in my grief I had forgotten all the joys of motherhood in those first few years. But I know that I want to still have that chance again, to change diapers, and hear them giggle, and cry, and try to be independent and be a big kid when they are still so young and dependent!
Time is a funny thing. For most of my life time just flew by, and I just moved from one thing to another. After Robbie, I am learning that time is really meaningless in hours and days. Time is valuable when you use it to spend with the ones you love, with no time restraints!
The last three months have felt like an endless eternity. I have been existing in a fog, and only now is the fog beginning to lift. And this fog has distorted my sense of time. My family has a lot to look forward too, and while it hurts so much that Robbie won't be with us physically to share it, I know he is looking out for us, and in a blink of an eye we will be with him, and sharing stories and memories! And time won't matter in the least!!
Robbie--I love you so much. Even though my heart aches to hold you, and feel you kick, I know you are watching over all of us. Your sister even writes in her diary about you. I know she misses you too. I know your dad thinks its silly, but our song always plays at the times I need to know you are ok, and still with me. And I know its your way of letting me know you are watching over us all. Please watch over your little brother or sister---and let them know how much we love you, and how much they are loved too! But let him/her know who you are so that they can tell us a little about you, maybe, one day. Love Mommy
Friday, February 4, 2011
Pictures
So I was browsing through pictures from this summer, without realizing the memories they would stir up. But its bittersweet. I want to share some with you. These were mostly all taken during a road trip Mario and I took from Flanders, NJ to Niagara Falls (Canada side) to Hershey Park.
This is me and Mario watching the hot air balloon festival with our friends Michelle and Mike. I was about 7-8 weeks pregnant.
Me and my college friend Michelle (pregnant with her son Drew)
Having dinner in Niagara Falls, the first night. My husband thought this was my baby bump, because my tummy had always been firm and flat.
In Niagara Falls, 7-8 weeks pregnant.
Our Summer of 2010 road trip
On the maid of the mist in Niagara Falls.
Yup, that's Mario, in the front of the roller coaster. Since I was pregnant, I was told "absolutely no rides" by my doctor. We planned this trip before we were pregnant, but I still wanted Mario to have some fun! So I was the photographer, and he got to ride the rides!
I wanted ice cream, so we went to the Hershey Studio place where you make your own sundae. It was cute, but over priced. This is how Mario got creative.
Yup, bittersweet. You can't tell me we weren't excited.
My lovely baby bump--I took these to send to my mom because I thought I was too big for how far along I was. It turns out, except for the professional bump shots I had taken (and still need to get), these are the only bump pics I have. Next time I'll be taking more! Really, these are my only shots of Robbie...
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Little Triggers
I know I haven't blogged for a while, but I've been so tired at night, and have had so much going on during the day. I guess its good that i'm super busy, it keeps the days going by faster, and I'm sleeping through the night in a deep sleep.
But last night I started teasing my husband about what plans was he making for my birthday. See, for the last 4 years that we've been together, he has forgotten my birthday every year, and I ended up making plans for myself. So a little background (and know that I love my husband very much, but his track record with planning birthdays is not great!):
The first year I was fortunate and had 2 great girlfriends who took me to AC for a night, and we had a very expensive, very tasty dessert, then dinner hours later!
The second year we were supposed to go to Sea Isle and stay in a friend's house for a weekend (us and the girls)...which I organized. But then I received an offer on my house, and stayed home that Friday we were supposed to leave to go down to the shore to pack up the dining room. My girls were acting up, and unpacking everything I had packed. Plus the weather was cold and miserable, so I cancelled it. The next day I decided "let's still go to ocean city and get some mack and manco's"...in the rain and wind. My oldest decided to have a temper tantrum in the pizza shop, and we went home, with no pizza and chilled to the bone. Happy birthday to me.
The 3rd year was my 30th birthday--I had been hinting at it for weeks, and while I didn't want anything big, I did want it acknowledged. He made no plans. Nothing, nada. The day before I turned the big "30" I learned he honestly didn't make any plans. So I called up some friends and we went to PF Chang's for dinner--just 5 of us. But I had to make the plans.
Then there was last year, the 4th year. I guilted him all year about dropping the ball on my 30th birthday, hoping something would spur him on. But, apparently not. I had to make last minute plans with dear friends to go out to dinner. Unfortunately (or fortunately for Mario), that was the night an hour before our friends were due to arrive we learned our basement started to flood. Therefore, we spent the whole night and into the next morning getting rugs and carpets and toys out of the basement and upstairs. Fun (well, at least memorable).
So onto the present...we were excited because I would be 9 months pregnant, weeks away from having our son, and celebrating our life. See, I was foolish enough to think that me saying I wanted to have my third child by the time I was 32 meant the universe would listen. But our plans are meaningless.
Last night I was teasing him about our plans for my birthday this year, only to learn that he hasn't even thought about it, or planned anything, again! Not even dinner out. And i'm giving him 5 weeks notice!!
So as I was teasing him, suddenly the tears began to fall, and next thing we knew I was in a heap on the floor, a mess of sobs, snot, and cries. I was supposed to be planning my maternity leave. I was supposed to be waddling around with a cute (while large) belly, knowing that my little boy would be greeting us in a short amount of time. I was supposed to be celebrating my birthday, not being sad about the path my life had taken.
It just sucks. Here I was moving along, actually doing quite well (yes, pat myself on the back), taking everything in stride and day by day (which my friends and family know is not me at all). And one little thing just set me off.
I know March is going to be a difficult month, just like next November and December when the anniversaries come around. I thought though I would have January and February to prepare myself. I wasn't prepared for the onslaught of emotion that hit me just trying to plan something as innocent as my birthday.
I can just hope that my 32nd year will be better than my 31st!
But last night I started teasing my husband about what plans was he making for my birthday. See, for the last 4 years that we've been together, he has forgotten my birthday every year, and I ended up making plans for myself. So a little background (and know that I love my husband very much, but his track record with planning birthdays is not great!):
The first year I was fortunate and had 2 great girlfriends who took me to AC for a night, and we had a very expensive, very tasty dessert, then dinner hours later!
The second year we were supposed to go to Sea Isle and stay in a friend's house for a weekend (us and the girls)...which I organized. But then I received an offer on my house, and stayed home that Friday we were supposed to leave to go down to the shore to pack up the dining room. My girls were acting up, and unpacking everything I had packed. Plus the weather was cold and miserable, so I cancelled it. The next day I decided "let's still go to ocean city and get some mack and manco's"...in the rain and wind. My oldest decided to have a temper tantrum in the pizza shop, and we went home, with no pizza and chilled to the bone. Happy birthday to me.
The 3rd year was my 30th birthday--I had been hinting at it for weeks, and while I didn't want anything big, I did want it acknowledged. He made no plans. Nothing, nada. The day before I turned the big "30" I learned he honestly didn't make any plans. So I called up some friends and we went to PF Chang's for dinner--just 5 of us. But I had to make the plans.
Then there was last year, the 4th year. I guilted him all year about dropping the ball on my 30th birthday, hoping something would spur him on. But, apparently not. I had to make last minute plans with dear friends to go out to dinner. Unfortunately (or fortunately for Mario), that was the night an hour before our friends were due to arrive we learned our basement started to flood. Therefore, we spent the whole night and into the next morning getting rugs and carpets and toys out of the basement and upstairs. Fun (well, at least memorable).
So onto the present...we were excited because I would be 9 months pregnant, weeks away from having our son, and celebrating our life. See, I was foolish enough to think that me saying I wanted to have my third child by the time I was 32 meant the universe would listen. But our plans are meaningless.
Last night I was teasing him about our plans for my birthday this year, only to learn that he hasn't even thought about it, or planned anything, again! Not even dinner out. And i'm giving him 5 weeks notice!!
So as I was teasing him, suddenly the tears began to fall, and next thing we knew I was in a heap on the floor, a mess of sobs, snot, and cries. I was supposed to be planning my maternity leave. I was supposed to be waddling around with a cute (while large) belly, knowing that my little boy would be greeting us in a short amount of time. I was supposed to be celebrating my birthday, not being sad about the path my life had taken.
It just sucks. Here I was moving along, actually doing quite well (yes, pat myself on the back), taking everything in stride and day by day (which my friends and family know is not me at all). And one little thing just set me off.
I know March is going to be a difficult month, just like next November and December when the anniversaries come around. I thought though I would have January and February to prepare myself. I wasn't prepared for the onslaught of emotion that hit me just trying to plan something as innocent as my birthday.
I can just hope that my 32nd year will be better than my 31st!
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