Remembering Robbie

Of course Robbie has been on my mind a lot lately.  The fact that he would have been joining us in just 21 short days.  That while I've been through morning sickness already and didn't have my baby to take home, I get to go through it again, during what I know will be one of my roughest months ever.  I've already decided that this blog is dedicated to the memory of my son, and to chart my walk while I learn to live with my grief.  Maybe our little firefly will have a blog.  But I will only mention my pregnancy as it pertains to my healing, and adjusting to the fact that my little boy won't be coming home with us on March 22nd (the scheduled c-section date).
I've spoken with my mom, my husband, and two friends about my dilemma about taking a personal day on Robbie's due date.  I felt very conflicted.  On one hand, I don't want to minimize our loss, and ignore the fact that that date (well, a date around it) would be his birthday.  But on the other I can rationalize that like so many other mothers (I think of mom's with preemies), sometimes our little ones don't make it to their due date.  Our babies chose their own birthdate.  And Robbie has his.  Not in the way we thought, or imagined.  But the dates November 14th, November 17th and November 24th will always be the dates associated with our son.  Not March 22nd or 28th.  So while we will do something on that day, I don't think staying at home, reflecting on what should have been, is healthy or necessary.  Nor does my son want me getting myself upset.  So I'm not having a baby in March.  I'm not 8 months pregnant.  But I will be 8 months pregnant someday.  I can look forward to the future.  The past is the past, and its not what I wanted.  But I also can't live in the past, of the "what should have been".
When my assistant superintendent and  I spoke this week I mentioned this to her, and she told me how mature that was, and how far I've obviously come in my healing.  But also knew that I was still going through a process, and this was just one step in a series of steps.  But she acknowledged my son, and that he did exist.  For someone out side of the family to acknowledge this was so touching.
I know my family will never forget Robbie--he is a part of our family, our story.  Today I was talking with a co-worker about women who had 3 girls, and wanted just 1 boy, and when it was a 4th girl, they were devastated, and really neglected their daughter because she was the wrong sex.  And we chatted about how people should just be grateful for a healthy child.  And I mentioned how in my family, for the last 3 generations, we only had girls naturally.  So something is obviously in our gene pool that chooses that x-chromosome sperm over the y-chromosome sperm...something about acidity.  But she stopped me and said "But you had a boy.  You had Robbie."  I was stunned.  I mean, I knew I had a boy.  But I never thought of it like that.  And that a non-family member not only reminded me, but called him by name...I was speechless.
It touched me that while I know I talk about all 3 of my children, other people are acknowledging Robbie as my boy, not just as a taboo subject (if we don't mention him then maybe she won't talk about him).
It does help me to know going into the next 22 days that while I know I will never forget my son, neither will those around me!  And it doesn't matter how I choose to formally remember him.  The fact that people talk about him means that he won't be forgotten!