Life's Not Fair

Remember when we were little, and our parents/ teachers/ adults in our lives used to tell us “Life’s Not Fair”.  After these last 7 weeks, I can’t even fathom what I thought was fair about life.  Nothing is fair about life.  Why some women get to enjoy pregnancy, oblivious to the dangers surrounding the unborn life they carry.  Why some women get those last few moments to hold their little one, to greet them, even if just for a short while, but have the memory of a picture, their touch, their smell, how they looked.  I don’t get any of this.  Even if we try again, I will constantly have the fear of what if.  Sure, the chances of a structural abnormality is nil, according to my perinatalogist.  But explain to me what the odds were of this happening the first time?  Numbers don’t comfort me anymore.  They mean nothing when you are that 1 in 4000 that this happened to.  If life was fair, I would be awake at 2:20am because my little boy would be rolling around, playing and kicking, experimenting with his hands.  Instead I’m awake because I can’t stop crying.  Tomorrow is New Year’s Eve, and my dear husband wants me to go with him to our friends’ house to celebrate.  He understands that I don’t want to go to their house because it was the last place my baby was alive.  What I don’t think he understands is that just like with Christmas and the holidays, I don’t have anything to celebrate.  Yeah, bring on 2011.  Sure…as my facebook friends are posting their well wishes for their friends in the new year, its just a slap in my face that 2011 is going to bring me : 1) no baby in March 2)  possibly no job by April and 3) the continuation of a lawsuit that started about a year ago, which has incurred several thousands of dollars that I don’t have for attorney fees.  I want to scream leave me alone.  I don’t have anything to look forward too.  If I could, I would pull the covers over my head and hibernate until 2012.  Maybe then 2012 would seem brighter than 2011, which hasn’t even started yet.  But I know its not fair to lash out at the innocents on facebook.  Its even more unfair to lash out at my poor husband, who is so confused by what to do to make me “normal” again.  So tomorrow he is going to change my password so that I’m not tempted to put anything on there that people might take offense to. 

Life sucks.  And at my darkest times, like right now, it is hard to see the silver lining.  Hell, its hard to see any lining at all.  Its now 2:25, and I’ve been in the bed crying because my dear husband doesn’t like me to cry alone.  I got up at 1:00am, with the idea in mind that I would cry myself to exhaustion out here, but apparently that didn’t work.  Instead I found myself back at the computer, playing Solitare again (I had played earlier this evening while my husband watched Book of Eli—as a side note, probably not a great movie to help cheer you up or lighten the mood).  I began crying with almost no effort while I lost game after game.  It wasn’t until the end of the movie that he looked over at me and saw the tears.  He was very confused.  The poor man.  He just wants to know why I’m crying all the time.  And I can’t even get any words out to help him understand more.  So I played at least 10 games of solitare with the plan that once I won a game I’d start typing my feelings out.  I tell my 7 year old all the time to write in her journal when she is upset, scared, or just can’t talk about it.  What type of role model am I if I can’t do the same thing?  By the way—I still haven’t won a game tonight.  But my hope is that somehow if I start writing my feelings out, and expressing myself, that my healing will begin.  I’m sure it has already, but on nights like these I am put back right to the doctor’s office staring at the ultrasound screen with my little boy so still.  You don’t forget that—ever.  And again I am reminded that life’s not fair.  In fact, its pretty damn well cruel.